Attack of the clone
The Stupendous Adventures of Gareth Frank Bale. Brand new and box fresh.
Tottenham Hotspur, N17. The chairman's office. Some time ago.
Levy: Gareth, Gareth...come in, come in.
Bale: Hi Daniel. You wanted to see me?
Levy: Yes, yes. Sit down.
Levy: You don't mind if I walk and talk do you?
Bale: No, sir.
Levy: You stay seated.
<Levy begins to walk around the room as he talks to Bale, with Bale shifting uncomfortably in the chair>
Bale: What did you need me for? Do I need to call my agent?
Levy: No, no. I wanted to ask you...Are you happy at Spurs?
Bale: Yes. Very much. Could do with another new contract though (laughs jokingly)
Levy: <stops dead and turns to face Bale with stone cold eyes> What did you just say?
Bale: <red faced> I...er...I...er...
Levy: <starts laughing> Banter! I'm just bantering Gareth. Relax, I'll pour you a drink.
Bale: <nervous> Okay.
Levy: I need something from you Gareth. Something that is vital to the progression of this football club and its future.
<knock on office door>
Levy: Hold that thought. Come in!
Chirpy: Sorry...I'm really really sorry...
Bale: <talking to Levy> What's he sorry about?
Levy: He's not talking to me. He's talking to you.
<Chirpy lunges forward, grabs Bale, holds him back in chair, injects neck using a syringe>
Bale: ... <falls into unconsciousness>
Chirpy: Did I do okay boss?
Levy: It's hardly the most difficult of tasks. If you can shake a supporters hand, wave, smile and pose for a photo you can stick a needle in someone's neck.
Chirpy: So...I did okay?
Levy: Don't fret. Gareth won't remember a thing.
Levy's office, any given transfer window...
Coach: Can I have money for a striker?
Levy: No. We have no monies available. It's being reinvested in our...in our youth academy.
Coach: All of it?
Levy: Yes. All of it.
Coach: This wasn't agreed when I became coach.
Levy: It's in your contract.
Coach: No it's not.
Levy: Hold on <buzzes intercom> Chirpy, can you come in here for a second please. Oh and bring...that pointy stabby thing I gave you.
Some time later...in a secret laboratory.
Levy: Is it done?
Man in white coat: Yes. Well, almost. It's practically a complete match, aside from some minor physical discrepancies.
Levy: Excellent, excellent.
Man in white coat: What do we call it?
Levy: Pick a name from the phone book. I'll have all fake documentation in place in the next few days. When will it be ready?
Man in white coat: To play? A few months. He's currently at 87% of the accelerated growth stage.
Levy: Did you make the changes I asked for?
Man in white coat: Yes, yes. He won't have a Welsh accent. I've made him Irish.
Levy: Good, good. We don't want the great unwashed getting suspicious. Or anyone else for that matter. Operation 'Northumberland Development Project' is up and running. Phase one is complete.
On the training pitch.
Lennon: So I said to her, I said...get your coat love, you've pulled.
Bale: No way!
Lennon: Yeah man.
Bale: What happened next?
Lennon: She got her coat.
Bale: <turns head> There's the new kid.
Lennon: <turns to look> Hmm.
Kenneth McEvoy: Alright lads.
<McEvoy walks past>
Bale: Does he remind you of someone?
Lennon: I can't quite place the face.
Man in white coat (incognito): You wanted to see me?
Levy: Yes, yes. Come in.
Man in white coat: What can I do for you Mr Levy.
Levy: <in chair stroking cat> I have funds for another one.
Man in white coat: Another clone?
Levy: Let's not get bogged down with the technicalities.
Man in white coat: You want me to work from the same template?
Levy: No. This is phase two. This time, I want an exact match.
Man in white coat: Welsh accent?
Levy: Yes. It's time for the special relationship with our Spanish friends to bear some fruit.
Man in the white coat: Understood.
Levy: Oh, one more thing. McEvoy.
Man in the white coat: Decommission?
Levy: Yes. We've proved the process works. Shame we gave him an Irish accent. Could have saved us the extra work and costs.
Man in the white coat: What should I have done with him?
Levy: Wipe his mind clean. Then box him up. We'll need someone when we revamp the mascot again.
Real Madrid: We are very happy to present to you our £70M signing, Gareth Bale.
Bale: Pleasure to be here <holds up Madrid shirt>
Back at White Hart Lane, Levy's office.
Chirpy: He's waking up.
Levy: Leave us.
Levy: What? Oh, yes. Your payment of crystal meth is in reception.
Chirpy: Thanks boss.
Levy: Get out.
<Chirpy leaves office>
Levy: Wakey wakey dear boy.
Bale: Where am I? What...what happened?
Levy: Sorry Gareth.
Bale: Am I not meant to be in Madrid?
Levy: Oh, you are, you are. Well, sort of.
Bale: I don't understand.
Levy: Microscopic small print in your contract fortunately means you're staying with us.
Bale: This doesn't make sense. If that isn't me in Madrid...and Madrid think they've signed me...
Levy: Hush, hush. Two questions for you Gareth. How passable an impersonation do you do of an Irish accent? And the second is...how does this look. It's your new identity.
<Levy hands Bale a passport>
Bale: Kenneth McEvoy?
Levy: Just think of it like you're in witness protection.
Hotspur Way later that summer.
Villas-Boas: Can I have some money to buy a striker?
Levy: We have no funds. That McEvoy looks a decent player though. You should start playing him a lot more. You should really start looking to play him. You really should. Play McEvoy.
Villas-Boas: Hold up, no funds? What did you do with the £70M from selling Bale?
Levy: Vegas with Joe Lewis. Those roulette tables are evil.
Villas-Boas: But £70M? All of it?
Levy: Sorry Andre, what happens in Vegas...stays in Vegas.
Villas-Boas: But roulette? Really?
Levy: <on mobile> Chirpy. Stabby thing. ASAP.
Some time later...in a secret laboratory.
Levy: We have a £70M budget. Phase three is a go.
Man in the white coat: Phase three? What's the next assignment?
Levy: Holographic technology.
Man in the white coat: For what?
Levy: I want to project an image that a stadium is being built on that plot of land I bought.
Man in the white coat: You're not planning to actually build a stadium?
Levy: What for £450M? Ha! Do you know how many robotic monkey soldiers fuelled by left-over bagels you can engineer for £450M?
Man in the white coat: Phase four, right?
The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley