Attack of the clone

The Stupendous Adventures of Gareth Frank Bale. Brand new and box fresh.


Tottenham Hotspur, N17. The chairman's office. Some time ago.

Levy: Gareth, Gareth...come in, come in.

Bale: Hi Daniel. You wanted to see me?

Levy: Yes, yes. Sit down.

Bale: Thanks.

Levy: You don't mind if I walk and talk do you?

Bale: No, sir.

Levy: You stay seated.

<Levy begins to walk around the room as he talks to Bale, with Bale shifting uncomfortably in the chair>

Bale: What did you need me for? Do I need to call my agent?

Levy: No, no. I wanted to ask you...Are you happy at Spurs?

Bale: Yes. Very much. Could do with another new contract though (laughs jokingly)

Levy: <stops dead and turns to face Bale with stone cold eyes> What did you just say?

Bale: <red faced>

Levy: <starts laughing> Banter! I'm just bantering Gareth. Relax, I'll pour you a drink.

Bale: <nervous> Okay.

Levy: I need something from you Gareth. Something that is vital to the progression of this football club and its future.

Bale: Okay...

<knock on office door>

Levy: Hold that thought. Come in!

<door opens>

Chirpy: Boss...

Levy: Chirpy...

Chirpy: Sorry...I'm really really sorry...

Bale: <talking to Levy> What's he sorry about?

Levy: He's not talking to me. He's talking to you.

Bale: What?

<Chirpy lunges forward, grabs Bale, holds him back in chair, injects neck using a syringe>

Bale: ... <falls into unconsciousness>

Chirpy: Did I do okay boss?

Levy: It's hardly the most difficult of tasks. If you can shake a supporters hand, wave, smile and pose for a photo you can stick a needle in someone's neck.

Chirpy: So...I did okay?

Levy: Don't fret. Gareth won't remember a thing.


Levy's office, any given transfer window...

Coach: Can I have money for a striker?

Levy: No. We have no monies available. It's being reinvested in our youth academy.

Coach: All of it?

Levy: Yes. All of it.

Coach: This wasn't agreed when I became coach.

Levy: It's in your contract.

Coach: No it's not.

Levy: Hold on <buzzes intercom> Chirpy, can you come in here for a second please. Oh and bring...that pointy stabby thing I gave you.


Some time a secret laboratory.

Levy: Is it done?

Man in white coat: Yes. Well, almost. It's practically a complete match, aside from some minor physical discrepancies.

Levy: Excellent, excellent.

Man in white coat: What do we call it?

Levy: Pick a name from the phone book. I'll have all fake documentation in place in the next few days. When will it be ready?

Man in white coat: To play? A few months. He's currently at 87% of the accelerated growth stage.

Levy: Did you make the changes I asked for?

Man in white coat: Yes, yes. He won't have a Welsh accent. I've made him Irish.

Levy: Good, good. We don't want the great unwashed getting suspicious. Or anyone else for that matter. Operation 'Northumberland Development Project' is up and running. Phase one is complete.


On the training pitch.

Lennon: So I said to her, I said...get your coat love, you've pulled.

Bale: No way!

Lennon: Yeah man.

Bale: What happened next?

Lennon: She got her coat.

Bale: <turns head> There's the new kid.

Lennon: <turns to look> Hmm.

Kenneth McEvoy: Alright lads.

Bale: Alright.

Lennon: Alright

<McEvoy walks past>

Bale: Does he remind you of someone?

Lennon: I can't quite place the face.


Levy's office.

Man in white coat (incognito): You wanted to see me?

Levy: Yes, yes. Come in.

Man in white coat: What can I do for you Mr Levy.

Levy: <in chair stroking cat> I have funds for another one.

Man in white coat: Another clone?

Levy: Let's not get bogged down with the technicalities.

Man in white coat: You want me to work from the same template?

Levy: No. This is phase two. This time, I want an exact match.

Man in white coat: Welsh accent?

Levy: Yes. It's time for the special relationship with our Spanish friends to bear some fruit.

Man in the white coat: Understood.

Levy: Oh, one more thing. McEvoy.

Man in the white coat: Decommission?

Levy: Yes. We've proved the process works. Shame we gave him an Irish accent. Could have saved us the extra work and costs.

Man in the white coat: What should I have done with him?

Levy: Wipe his mind clean. Then box him up. We'll need someone when we revamp the mascot again.


Summer, 2013.

Real Madrid: We are very happy to present to you our £70M signing, Gareth Bale.

Bale: Pleasure to be here <holds up Madrid shirt>


Back at White Hart Lane, Levy's office.

Chirpy: He's waking up.

Levy: Leave us.

Chirpy: <cough>

Levy: What? Oh, yes. Your payment of crystal meth is in reception.

Chirpy: Thanks boss.

Levy: Get out.

<Chirpy leaves office>

Levy: Wakey wakey dear boy.

Bale: Where am I? What...what happened?

Levy: Sorry Gareth.

Bale: Am I not meant to be in Madrid?

Levy: Oh, you are, you are. Well, sort of.

Bale: I don't understand.

Levy: Microscopic small print in your contract fortunately means you're staying with us.

Bale: This doesn't make sense. If that isn't me in Madrid...and Madrid think they've signed me...

Levy: Hush, hush. Two questions for you Gareth. How passable an impersonation do you do of an Irish accent? And the second does this look. It's your new identity.

<Levy hands Bale a passport>

Bale: Kenneth McEvoy?

Levy: Just think of it like you're in witness protection.


Hotspur Way later that summer.

Villas-Boas: Can I have some money to buy a striker?

Levy: We have no funds. That McEvoy looks a decent player though. You should start playing him a lot more. You should really start looking to play him. You really should. Play McEvoy.

Villas-Boas: Hold up, no funds? What did you do with the £70M from selling Bale?

Levy: Vegas with Joe Lewis. Those roulette tables are evil.

Villas-Boas: But £70M? All of it?

Levy: Sorry Andre, what happens in Vegas...stays in Vegas.

Villas-Boas: But roulette? Really?

Levy: <on mobile> Chirpy. Stabby thing. ASAP.


Some time a secret laboratory.

Levy: We have a £70M budget. Phase three is a go.

Man in the white coat: Phase three? What's the next assignment?

Levy: Holographic technology.

Man in the white coat: For what?

Levy: I want to project an image that a stadium is being built on that plot of land I bought.

Man in the white coat: You're not planning to actually build a stadium?

Levy: What for £450M? Ha! Do you know how many robotic monkey soldiers fuelled by left-over bagels you can engineer for £450M?

Man in the white coat: Phase four, right?


The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley