The Stupendous Adventures of Gareth Bale and Charlie Adam
Betty the honey bee was sick and tired of being second best all the time. She was fed up with wasps and even ants taking the mickey out of her lisp and her lopsided wing. Freaky Betty Bants they called her with cruel irony, because she never had anything to say in response. Even the drones laughed at her. She sucked at pollination, insecure and lacking confidence in her own ability as part of the work force. Many times Betty waited for a mockingbird to end it all but something stuck in her mind. If she was going to go down she might as well do so with infamy rather than depressive acceptance. Betty the bee wanted to become the most famous bee of all time. Her plan was simplistic. A high profile event, not necessarily a live television broadcast but anything where cameras were present to capture the moment. Many a time she avoided a squatting in and around the brick world away from the flowers, where she would frequent to think about life and the future.
"Those pesky football fans. I'll show 'em. I'll sting their favourite son, see how they like that buzz"
"Don't do it" said Betty's best and only friend, Barbara, "It's suicide man!"
But Betty was sick of the bullying and sick of the hive and the mundane existence. She wanted the glory. The Bee that would sting the Bale.
"I'll become a legend. They'll talk about me 'til there's no honey left on the planet"
Spurs v Blackpool, White Hart Lane, 2011
Bale: Yeah yeah, look at me, so sexy on the ball, got to get past this player
Adam: Oh God, is that a bee?
Bale: Got past him, damn it, the ball's got away from me...need to stretch a little to get it...
Adam: GARETH!! THERE'S A BEE! IT'S BUZZING AROUND YOUR ANKLE MAN! Oh God, he hasn't seen it! I'LL GET IT GET GARETH! I'LL GET THE B*STARD!
Adam: Oh sh*t, sorry mate.
Bale: Did you get the bee?
Adam: Yeah, it's dead man. Sorry about your ankle.
Bale: Collateral damage. At least it didn't sting me.
The funeral for Betty was one of much frustration for Barbara. There was no actual body to bury after the incident and the catering was dull. It also rained and a couple of drunk wasps turned up to heckle.
"I'll avenge you Betty, I promise, I'll avenge you! No matter what it takes, I'll travel to the ends of the world to fulfil the dream you failed to achieve. Your sting will live on in my sting!"
Liverpool v Spurs, Baltimore, 2012
Adam: Jesus Christ! Is that another bee? Bale, there's another God damn bee buzzing after you!
Bale: What? Again? Must be the hair conditioner. Do something, get it, get it, quickly!
Adam: I don't know Gareth, I damaged your ankle last time!
Bale: The bee man, the beeeee!! Get the sodding bee!!!
Adam: Okay...here we go...got to time this...just right...just right...come on Adam, you can do this son...Grrrrr
Adam: Oh not again!
Barbara: Glory! Reap the pain! Hold up...what the f***? Need to escape! I'm stuck! My barbed stinger! Oh God! I'm going to be ripped apart if I pull away! My abdomen! My digestive tract! Nobody...nobody told me this would happen...Glory in death! For you Betty! ...AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Bale: My ankle is fine you idiot, aside from the f***** bee sting! You let it f******* sting me!
Bale: <speaking to the press> He's obviously come for me twice now. Not sure if it's the same one but this time he got me. The sting hurts. As for Adam, from what I saw of him on the pitch, I think he's a bit of a coward. There are pictures on the internet of what he did before, it was unfortunate he snapped my ankle ligaments but he got the bee. This time, he bottled it. Missed the bee completely. I was out for three months that time and one player told me he has a bit of a thing for me and wants to protect me but is this really protection? It's flattering when players try to take you out but I'm not that way inclined. Bee's can threaten your career, he mistimed his tackle. I don't care if its just a friendly, a bee is still a bee. He should have stopped it.
A day later...
Adam agent: You okay?
Adam: Why didn't I go in with two feet? Why didn't I go studs up? Why didn't I do more? What's wrong with me?
Adam agent: Calm down. Don't worry, let me handle this.
Adam agent: <speaking to the press> It doesn't warrant a reply because everyone knows Charlie is not that type of player. Everyone in football knows he has no malice or anything like that in him. Unless you're an insect or a member of the Apini tribe. He'll f*** you right up.
A bee hive, in a middle of a field, later that day...
Adam: <walks towards bee hive to the tune of 'Still' by the Geto Boys>
Random Bee: Oh sh*t! Is that a baseball bat?