The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley
Episode III
Gareth: Morning.
David: Morning.
Gareth: What you got there?
David: Dice.
Gareth: Dice?
David: It's part of my new life style. It's going to help me become the superstar I know I am.
Gareth: How so?
David: I roll a die and depending on the number it settles on, I do whatever's associated with the number.
Gareth: I don't get it.
David: Each side of the die has a number on it, right? Each number has an option that I give it so when its rolled and it settles on, I don't know, number four…I do whatever the option for number four is.
Gareth: How do you decide on the options?
David: They're predetermined. I have different options for the six sides of the die depending on the day of the week or where I am.
Gareth: So the die is keeper of your destiny?
David: That’s quite profound Gareth. And yes, that's exactly it. Gives me an edge if I force myself to do what the die tells me. It's like a constant test of nerve and challenge to help me excel.
Gareth: Cool. So what options have you got today?
David: Well, with training just finished, I've got some social options available to me.
Gareth: Neat. You gonna roll then?
David: Yes.
Gareth: What options you got?
David: Options are:
1. Do something different with my hair
2. Find a skip and kick a ball in it
3. Go home and wash my hair
4. Star-jump in front of anyone with a camera
5. Highlight my hair
6. Comb my hair
Gareth: Go on, roll it, roll it…
David: It's number five.
Gareth: Sweet.
David: I know.
Gareth: Do you have options for when you're playing football?
David: Yeah. I carry a die with me and roll it when I'm bending down to tie my boot laces.
Gareth: Where do you keep the die?
David: In my hair.
Gareth: Oh, so that's why you're always fixing it.
David: Clever, hey?
Gareth: Yeah. So what options you got for games?
David: I've got:
1. Hit ball cross field with outside of foot
2. Flick the ball or showboat no matter who is around you
3. Attempt to pass with Zidane quality to nearest man
4. Try to score, regardless of the angle
5. Bend it like Beckham
6. Try something that's not been attempted before on the field of play
Gareth: Wow.
David: I know. I'm just setting myself high standards so even in failure, I succeed.
Later that season…
Gareth: Hey.
David: Hey.
Gareth: You on the bench today?
David: Probably. You?
Gareth: Same.
David: I just can't put my finger on what went wrong.
Gareth: Same here. You still got the dice?
David: I got rid of them. Reckon they were cursed. Only managed to get on Soccer AM once.
In the gaffers office…
Kevin: Harry, I don't think you're doing this right.
Harry: Yes I am.
Kevin: What you writing down then?
Harry: Self promotional media friendly sound bites for press conferences and post-match interviews. All I need to do is roll the die beforehand and do as it tells me. Helps me mix it up a little if I let destiny guide me.
Kevin: What you got for number one?
Harry: I've got 'two points in eight games'.
Kevin: And for number two?
Harry: Two points, eight games.
Kevin: Three?
Harry Two points, eight games.
Kevin: They're all two points eight games aren't they?
Harry: Yes.
Kevin: Harry, you're meant to have different options for each side of the die.
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: What?
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: Why are you rolling the die now?
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: Ha ha, very funny.
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: Harry, you ok?
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: Stop rolling the die.
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: HARRY FOR GODS SAKE STOP ROLLING THE DIE. STOP IT.
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: STOP IT HARRY.
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: JESUS MAN, GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NECK.
Harry: Two points eight games...