The Stupendous misadventure of Gareth Bale

Spurs pre-season Tour of the US...

Gareth: 1-0! Take that Galaxy!

FIFA’s HQ...

Blatter: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F**K? WHAT IS THIS? THIS BLATANT FABRICATION, THIS MONSTROSITY OF A LIE? I WANT THIS PLAYER BANNED FROM FOOTBALL FOR THE DURATION OF THE OLYMPICS! NO, NO, I REFUSE TO DELVE DEEPER AND INVESTIGATE WHY HE’S PLAYING AND SCORING FOR SPURS. I WANT TO BE QUOTED AND I WANT TO TREND. FACTS ARE INCONSEQUENTIAL. THIS ENGLISH MAN MUST BE PUNISHED. WHAT’S THAT? HE’S WELSH? THERE’S A DIFFERENCE? I DON’T KNOW, THEY ALL LIVE ON THAT GOD FORSAKEN ISLAND I CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE. HOW DARE HE FEIGN INJURY AND IGNORE THE HONOUR OF THE OLYMPIC GAMES. HOW VERY DARE HE. BRING ME THE HEAD OF GARETH BALE.

PA: You want to use that as part of your press release?

Blatter: No, no. Just state if a club does not release a player then their association, if they so wish can come to us here at FIFA and we can then ban the player from participating in club related football for the duration of the Olympics. I’ll let everyone take my generalisation and run with it to the hills. If the kid was injured during the selection process it's a non-story. Now cancel my 10 am call. Berlusconi is coming over. He said he’s bringing a nineteen year old. Malt whisky I guess. At least I think he was talking about whisky...

 

archive