At the Spurs Lodge, in the changing rooms...
Gareth: Hey David. What you doing?
David: I’m preparing.
Gareth: For what?
David: A new beginning. One without heartache and disillusion, just peace. Just wonderful, beautiful tranquil peace. No more voices in my head.
Gareth: Is that...is that a gun?
David: Don’t you worry, shouldn’t you be out on the training pitch, running up and down, just in case someone from Marca or Madrid is sat in a tree watching you.
Gareth: There’s no need to be like that David. I beat my hoodoo and you can beat yours. Is that a bucket of gold paint?
David: Oh, I intend to. I intend to do just that. Yes, that's gold paint.
Gareth: Look at the state of you. What's with the hair, the scruffy beard? And the gun. You don’t need to go out this way.
David: Go out? Go out? I’ll be going out alright. With a bang.
Gareth: Oh Christ no. You have other options, you do. Talk to someone, talk to me.
David: Talk? Talk? I’ve done my talking. Done it with my feet since the day I arrived here. Star-jumping. Kicking a ball into a skip. Stepping down on the gas in my Porsche. Setting my foot on fire and jumping into a pool. What else am I meant to do? What else? I’m sorry, but this is the only option I have.
Gareth: Why have you got Beckham printed on the back of your shirt?
David: No reason.
Gareth: David, the gun. You don’t have to...
David: Oh do shut up Gareth. It’s not even real. It’s one of those trendy cigar lighters.
Gareth: Oh okay, ha ha ha, I’m daft sometimes.
David: I think I can hear Harry calling you.
Gareth: But what about all that talk about peace and a new beginning and the voices? Oh, and you appear to have gold paint running down the side of your thighs.
David: I need to throw the lighter away, that's all. It’s controversial because it looks like a gun. It's my only option and it...would be a new beginning for me without it. And therefore quiet and you know, peaceful. No one nagging me. You know...
Gareth: Okay, cool. And the paint?
David: Harry is calling you Gareth. See ya.
Gareth: What’s that?
David: What’s what?
Gareth: I thought I heard something. Not Harry calling, not from the outside. In here. A noise.
David: I hear nothing. Bye.
Gareth: Okay, maybe it's the lads on the training pitch. No wait...
Gareth: There it is again. Sounds like a muffled...a muffled voice.
David: I don’t hear a thing.
Gareth: Listen, just listen. It’s coming from over there, in the showers.
David: There is no one in the showers. And definitely no one tied and gagged there. No need to look. Skip along outside now. Harry has drafted in Macion just for you to run at in training.
Gareth: There it is again. I’m taking a look.
David: I'd prefer that you didn't do that.
Gareth: Oh my God! Jesus...is that? Oh no! What have you done? David! Oh my God, what have you done? He’s meant to be having his medical! Look at the state of him! He looks half dead!
David: He won’t be having a medical. There is no need for him to have a medical. I will be having the medical.
Gareth: What? What are you talking about? This is insane! Crazy, just crazy! Hold up, what's that over there? Is that a second person gagged and tied up?
David: Yes. Victoria.
Gareth: Right...okay...where was I? Oh yes, Christ, oh my God, you can't have him gagged and tied up! You just can't! It's lunacy!
David: Yes I can. There is only room for one David here. A younger David. A me David. David Beckham.
Gareth: Your name is Bentley, David Bentley.
David: Is it Gareth? Is it? My shirt says otherwise.
Gareth: You've lost it, you've lost your marbles, completely lost it. You need to untie him. You won’t get away with this. It’s madness. It’s absolute madness! What are you doing now? The lighter? I'm hardly going to run scared of a lighter that looks like a gun...wait...what are you going to do with it? No, no...not the hair, not the hair...I've only just finished combing it...NOOOOOOOOO !!
Later that same day...
Jim White: Welcome to Sky Sports News. David Beckham has been unveiled at Tottenham's training ground, The Lodge, after successfully passing a medical for a two month loan deal, although he’s already hinted he wants to stay longer at White Hart Lane. Becks was in fine form, looking fresher than ever, entertaining the journalists present with a superb display of skill, keeping the ball balanced on his head, star-jumping, with his foot on fire inside a Porsche whilst driving it into a skip. Classic Beckham there winning over the Tottenham faithful, all members of the press giving him a standing ovation. And Sky Sports was there to capture this historic moment. Just look at the yellow ticker if you don't believe me. Becks is back in England with a bang, baby!
Georgie Thompson: Great stuff, we'll have the press conference in full in around three hours after we play countless ad breaks and tease you with more footage from said press conference without ever going to the actual headline story. In other news, Spurs officials have denied Gareth Bale has gone AWOL and that he’s probably gone home to see his mum, the soft lad.
Jim White: Sorry Georgie, let's go live to the Spurs Lodge where apparently, ha ha ha, sorry, let me compose myself, back to the Lodge where apparently Beckham has thrown a bucket of water over Harry Redknapp. Classic! And it's in HD!