The Book of Daniel - Chapter Five
by Ryan the perplexed
And so after many years of service to his people and visits to the doctor, King Ledley finally rested at Mt Kneebo. The Tottenhamites paused and reflected on the end of an era. He was humble, gracious, supremely talented, lightning quick. Everything the Great Sinner Terry was not. And yet Terry had the luck of Heaven and Prince Ledley had the luck of Hell. And so Daniel donned his priestly vestments and took Ledley onto Mt Kneebo, which overlooked the promised land of regular CL football and subjugation of the Goonite hordes.
‘Look at this land before you Ledley’ said Daniel. ‘This is the golden future of the Club’ And Ledley became greatly distressed as Daniel seemed to be pointing at Harry Kane. ‘No –not him. He’s useless. See there on that far mountain, a small man with ginger hair and a neatly trimmed beard is talking to the players. His name is Boaz and he had one good year at Porto and has managed the British Virgin islands in the Maccabi Champions League.’ And Ledley looked, shook his head sadly and devoted the rest of his days to the Hotspur Foundation and the Darren Anderton Institute for Sports Science.
And Daniel was proud of making Boaz a Tottenhamite and brought him before the Lord to dazzle Him with his football wisdom. Daniel asked Boaz to explain to the Lord about bringing Bale into the game more. And before Boaz could speak, the Lord placed a small frog inside Boaz’s mouth for His own amusement.
‘Felicitations Holy One’ began Boaz. ‘We plan to introduce Bale more rigourously on the more vacant placements on pitch <cough>.
And the Lord turned to Daniel and said ‘I have no idea what he is saying’.
But Boaz continued ‘ It is imperative that Bale finds and creates <croak> outlets for attack-minded runs in order to create dissonance within the minds of the opposition. We intend to <splutter> utilise retro-functioning runs by the more advanced players –to alter the targeting of the defenders. That is my project. Here is my pencil case.’
And the Lord said ‘What does that mean?’ And Daniel said ‘ I have no idea but it sounds impressive doesn’t Oh Lord? There can be no comparison between the wise verbiage of Boaz with the tics and twitterings of Ari.’
And the Lord mulled over this for a while and opened up Google Translate on his Godphone. He changed the settings to translate from ‘Technical Waffle’ to just ‘English’ and used this to translate the words of Boaz. When the Lord ask Boaz what would his advice be to strikers when bringing them on with 10 minutes left, Boaz replied ‘they should find scenarios to their advantage to create maximum likelihood of success-enabled objectives’. The Lord then translated this to ‘Cockney chancer’ and it was translated as ‘ Go and fakkin run about a bit’. He then translated it to Wengerish and it read as ‘I did not see the incident but the opposition did not deserve to score 5 goals against us. They bullied us and fouled my superior players – the brutes, the brutes!’
And the Lord strongly suspected that Boaz was actually an android created by Aurasma to fulfil Daniel’s footballing needs. Suddenly it all made perfect sense. Boaz’s robotic joints occasionally seized when he was in a crouching position, and that is why Daniel brought in a German mechanic to be at Boaz’s side to oil him and maintain his parts. A year ago, Abramovich had spent £13m on Boaz, thinking he would be a fantastic protocol droid who could entertain and astonish guests on his lavish yacht. Only when his restraining bolts were removed, did Boaz make his way to Chelsea, where he downloaded Aurasma's new ‘manager’ software. Daniel had purchased Boaz at a knock-down price and could save the money for the world-class striker he would never manage to sign.
And Bale approached the Lord and said the wanted to look beautiful. He said that his ears flapped in the wind and he would do anything to pin them back. And the Lord agreed, providing that Bale would survive a test of faith. Yea, and the Lord put Bale into a deep sleep. He woke in the morning and his ears were streamlined. He rejoiced and sang hosannas to the Lord. But being a Spurs supporter, the Lord has a dark sense of humour and did not forget his test. And so the Lord took from the Kopites a beastly creature with unbridled aggression and no football talent. In order to strike fear into Bale, the Lord gave the creature a mouth with teeth that looked like the windows of a derelict warehouse and ensured that Irn Bru coursed through its veins. And so on the fields of Bal-timor the creature, confused by its own ridiculous price tag, attacked Bale on his ankle. And Bale wrestled with the creature all night. In the morning a physio of the Lord came down to tell them stop. Bale's ligaments were sore but he had prevailed and survived his encounter with the wicked beast. And the physio touched Bale's ankle and Bale was ok. And that is why Tottenhamites from that day to this do not eat the ligaments served by a Kopite.
And after the early light, suddenly there was darkness from the ITKs. Many Tottenhamites argued that many had got lucky with a few guesses, but all was quiet. Darkness moved upon the surface of the deep and even Gio was talking about staying. The Tottenhamites looked at the holes in the squad and with the season starting soon, waited for Daniel to rise, do deals and accept the crown of true kingship.