The Book of Daniel

by Ryan the Perplexed

 

And the Lord spoke to Daniel the Levite saying:

'Daniel, oh Daniel, why when I delivered you into the League of Champions in 2010 did thou refuse to seriously invest in my Beloved? Last harvest was another paltry sacrifice of shekels, offloading the Goliath, Wilson and sacrificing little on Scott of Tarsus and loaning the Togan. I have even sent you my prophet, Ari the Blameless, as your helpmeet. Oh, Daniel it is true that I work in mysterious ways, and none is more mysterious than Ari, who speaks in tongues behind car windows, alongside his driver Kevin the Bondsman.

Yea, and Harry delivered you from the depths to Champions League in under 2 years, but every harvest time you refused to take the next step, keeping the funds to build a Temple for me, fortified against the Philistines of Gillespie Road, and the heathen Moabites of Spam. Yes it may have a Sainsburys with 613 checkouts, but I am greatly angered by your actions. Instead of a striker, we have a planning consultant, instead of a winger, we have Saha the Crocked.'

And Daniel trembled before the Lord and said he was much vexed by Ari the Blameless, who was tempted by England, Rosie:47 and Sandra of the Banks of Sand. Then the Lord became angry, and winds around the goalmouths of Stoke howled, Webb failed to see Mario's evil, Ari was tempted, and the pathetic Goonites had their luck returned.

And Daniel trembled further as he thought CL was safe. The Lord then said 'Daniel, my Daniel , never stand still, thou need to invest in thy squad and cut the deadwood.' But Daniel was stiff-necked and his transfer policy could do no wrong in his eyes and this enraged the Lord. And the Lord put confusion into the hearts of the Tottenhamites who forgot how to score and Ari’s tactics were lost in the whirlwind.

And the Lord took blood, dung and avarice and brought forth the evil Despicables from the bowels of the Earth, led by a great and faithless Sinner garbed in shin pads. The Lord then blinded the pious Catalunians as they were pillaged by the Despicables. He again blinded Atkinson the Weak as the Despicables overran the Tottenhamites on the plains of Wembley. And lo, Levy was still holding out for tribute for Gio and hoping to offer a new contract to Jenas.

The Lord appeared to Daniel in a dream, represented by the angel Ledley.

And Ledley said 'He upstairs thinks that you needed to invest more to get into CL heaven when you have the chance. This is your final warning guv. Ouch, my knee...'. But Daniel told him to go forth and multiply.

In his wrath, the Lord created Fulop, a spineless wretch, to see a fortunate Wenger the Blind and his smug Goonites through to the promised land. Still Daniel would not budge and in a final act, the Lord came down and with great might (Drogba) and an outstretched arm (Cech), and intervened in the fabric of creation itself to the stop the Germans winning a penalty shootout, and finally prevent Daniel from entering the promised land.

Amidst much gnashing of teeth and wailing, Levy and the Tottenhamites became as one and cried 'How can it be that the Great Sinner and his Despicables celebrate yet we are left in the wilderness? Why do Sinners enter Heaven when the Righteous go to Hell?' And Levy was broken and wailed to Heaven in the form of another Open Letter but no answer came. And the Tottenhamites were banished to the plains of Europa where they encountered wild beasts, pestilence and away trips to the Ukraine.

Daniel then donned sackcloth, ashes and called the lawyers. And so Graham begat Hoddle who begat Pleat, and Pleat begat Santini who then begat Jol. Jol begat Ramos who begat Ari the Blameless. And Ari begat...