The Book of Daniel - Chapter Three
by Ryan the Perplexed
After the demise of their beloved Ari at the hands of Daniel and the impending crowning of Boaz, the Hacks assembled their tribes from the foul swamps from whence they came. They were joined by the Goonites and Chelsea Despicables in their belief that there would be a great mutiny at the Lane. Yea, said the Hacks and the Haters, an uprising will take place, so disgusted would the Spurs players be with having to work with Boaz. The exodus will happen again. Doom was guaranteed. They prophesised a great rebellion. The great stars would depart, Jenas would force through his move to Barca and Gio would join Seville, Pienaar would be off to Everton. Tottenham would be left with the bare bones as Ari's prophecy predicted. Corluka and Krank had already run off to Russia, though it was taking them a long time to get there because they both ran so incredibly slowly. Even Chirpy would be so alarmed at Boaz's treatment of Terry and Lampard, he would immolate himself with fire and oil and be consumed by Huddlestone at Chick King on the High Road - once Daniel had been forced to sell him for an undisclosed fee. None would be left. The Lane would be a wasteland, the new training ground abandoned except for some over-elaborate tactical plans, some untalented youths and an unfulfilled Project. The Hacks' false prophecy was sinful in the eyes of the Lord and, in the manner of their great leader Ari, He banished them to go and fackin run around a bit.
After their gloating at the Tottenhamites, the Goonites fell silent and wailed once they realised that their Holy Persie had studied Wenger the Blind's spreadsheets and, after conducting some variance analysis, concluded that his figures did not stack up. Van Persie addressed the Goonites and told them that their future was bleak. Talent had bred arrogance. But then the arrogance had eaten the talent. And just a husk remained in the form of Theo Walcott. Holy Persie announced he would seek a new flock of pathetic wretches to protect with his miracles and goals. Wenger the Blind would have to find a new Saviour.
And so Daniel spoke to Bale an a bid to entice him to stay. Bale said he already had 3 year contract. Daniel was desperate for good news for his Tottenhamites, so told Bale he would increase his salary from £70-£90k per week. 'What do you want in return? asked Bale. 'An extra year on your contract and the number of your hairdresser' said Levy. And so it was done.
Before he could join the club, Boaz underwent a lengthy period of ritual purification to cleanse his soul from the vile impurities of Chelsea. For forty days and forty nights he bathed in scented oils. He would confess his sins to Daniel and show true penance for his sins. And Daniel prescribed punishments fitting the sins as follows; for the sin of arrogance - 40 lashes; for the sin of poor man-management - a week of fasting and good deeds; for the sin of upsetting the media - ritually shaving Martin Samuel; for the sin of tactical naivety - having to watch Chelsea win the CL on a loop for 24 hours; and for the sin of prolonged proximity to John Terry - cleansing with industrial strength detergents and a visit to a competent doctor.
And Daniel was satisfied that Boaz was his new prophet and he set about obtaining adornments for him to succeed with the Tottenhamites and fulfil his dream. A dream to build a Temple on Earth with 56,000 seats, extensive corporate hospitality and viable transport links. And so Gylfi joined, amidst much gnashing of teeth by the Kopites, who could not believe that he would chose Boaz over Brendan, just as they could not believe that it was no longer 1984 and they were no longer good. With their riches wasted on mediocrity, they would be doomed to walk on, walk on, forever, sustained only by hope in their hearts, spearheaded by a ponytailed giant with a brain the size of a flea's dropping.
'Where is Vertonghen?' the Lord said to Daniel. And Daniel replied 'Am I his agent's keeper? He should be announced soon'. After much back and forth, Jan was signed. The Lord grew frustrated as he could not believe how long it took Daniel to complete a deal, for the Lord himself had managed to create the entire Universe in a week, and with lower agent's fees and less ITK leaks.
And the Tottenhamites were greatly excited by Daniel. There were rumours within the camp that Daniel would sell part of his birthright to mysterious men of the East who had pots of gold and whom he had told that vast untapped wells of oil would be found below the club shop. Twitters circulated the camp that these redeemers would be appearing imminently, bearing money and hope, and would strike mortal fear into the hearts of the Goonites. The Tottenhamites waited with baited breath but nothing happened. Yet.
But Luka was a thorn in Daniel's side, complaining that he was dreaming of Madrid and causing Daniel great discomfort when he texted him naked pictures of himself, just as Daniel was about to sit down and eat. Luka enlisted a team of Croats to leak stories to the media about his impending departure. It seemed that Luka was much better at scoring stories on Newsnow than he ever was at scoring goals. But the Lord hardened Daniel's heart. He summoned Luka to his underground lair and told him that if he thought about releasing a statement like Holy Persie's, he would not be sold for four more years and be banished. And Luka trembled but still made a glorious sideways pass. Storm clouds gathered. Daniel stood up, waved his staff and thundered to the cowering Luka 'When was the last time you saw David Bentley? He was last seen somewhere in East London kicking balls into skips. He tried to defy me and look what has happened to him. Do you want to rot in the reserves? Do you want to see Tim Deadwood every day?'
Luka then bowed down and retreated, astonished at Daniel's new resolve. Pleased with himself, Daniel ordered his chamberlain to polish his little bald head, but he was soon disrupted.
'We need a striker Daniel. Quickly' said the Lord. 'Preseason has started. We only have Defoe. And he is on holiday. How do you expect Boaz to succeed if he has no strikers?'
And Daniel did what he always did when he was short of strikers. He reached for his file marked 'THFC loan signings 1995-2012' and looked through the list to decide who he should sign on a permanent basis - Stephane Dalmat, Mido, Gudjonsen, Andy Booth, Adebayor, Konchesky, Frazier Campbell. Such rich pickings, Daniel thought, who should I sign...
Previous chapters: