Seven magnificent ways to improve the atmosphere at the Lane
1) Increase 4G and wireless coverage inside the ground so that pockets of vocal support can access their Twitter feeds on their smart-phones to take instruction from those not present in terms of what songs to sing and what songs to avoid singing as the latter can led to much on-line embarrassment when the critiquing begins post-game.
2) As pyrotechnics are prohibited, in order to attempt to match the fiery atmosphere of continental clubs and their ultra fanatical supporters, consumers within the Park Lane end of the ground should all hold up iPads and other tablets with You Tube videos of firework displays streaming to recreate a perfectly legal and safe environment but at the same time give a spectacular visual effect for those standing next to any of the iPads.
3) Ticker tape is a fire hazard (it can also choke someone to death if said person was to open their mouth and look upwards as the tape falls and lodges itself in their throat) and it's possible that if someone was to smuggle in pyrotechnics it could set the paper alight. As clothing and other items such as scarves and hats can also be set alight, supporters should turn up naked (preferable to sing 'everything off if you love Tottenham' at this juncture although best not to pogo what with all the flapping about).
Pubic hair can also potentially be set alight so anyone participating should man-scape down below including chest hair. Backs as well if you're that unfortunate. The Levy look up top also preferable for those that want to retain complete smoothness. Any women in attendance, if you really have to be shaving down below the 1970s called and they want their bush back.
All of this will create a sea of mostly naked male flesh singing 'back, sack and crack army' making it as visually stunning as Dortmund's yellow wall and perfectly within health and safety regulations (although club not responsible for any frostbite incidents and persistent standing is strictly prohibited as you risk erection from the stadium).
4) As the Y-word is a contentious issue with a hefty weight of ambiguity and supporters are encouraged to call a hot-line to report such things as persistent foul language, in order to experience a brilliant energy fuelled atmosphere where you truly feel like you're alive and embracing the escapism of the game, stay home and watch it on the telly or find a pub where you're allowed the freedom to display relentless passion without upsetting any given rule, regulation or the type of football fan that wants to discuss property value and the latest Blackberry in-between lulls in the game. By not being at the game you will be able to release all of your caveman frustrations and instinctive reactionary screams via the common man's conduit known as football. By proxy.
5) Rather than taking a risk and attempting to sample the ambiance of any given match day within the stadium, attend one of the several blocks allocated where the in-game atmosphere is broadcasted through a pre-recorded soundtrack via wireless headphones, so those wearing them can hear continuous chanting and singing through-out the game. There is no need to participate, just listen to the audio whilst watching the game unfold. As no standing is permitted, retain your seat whilst stewards bring you refreshments. Go home with ear drums positively buzzing no matter the result.
6) A human wall of specially assigned stewards will form a tunnel at every exit leaving the stands. This 'human tunnel' will come into effect around the 70th minute mark and retain shape until the 90th minute. During this time period if a supporter wishes to leave the stadium early to 'beat the traffic' they will get a beating attempting to run the gauntlet by escaping through the tunnel. Stewards will be able to use excessive force including ticker tape and pyrotechnics.
7) Boost supporter morale by having club legend and former captain Brian Roberts read out the team line-up before kick-off.