The Book of Daniel - Chapter Four
by Ryan the Perplexed
Daniel knew that his credibility depended on the success of young Boaz and so he set to work assembling a group of helpers for him. Though it was evil in the eyes of the Lord, Daniel engaged in sorcery to help Boaz, creating human-like creatures from inanimate objects to form a low-cost backroom staff.
Daniel obtained an old Pony kit stained with blood, an unhinged ferret with an unnaturally large neck and weapons-grade testosterone. He cast them all into a boiling cauldron, whispered incantations and out jumped Steffen Freund in a cloud of smoke. Freund looked around, his face turned an interesting shade of purple, and he ran up to Hudd who was taking one of his frequent rest breaks. Freund screamed various Teutonic exhortations inches from his face. Terrified, Hudd ran off, as fast as his massive legs would carry him. And so Boaz had an assistant manager.
Excited by his new found sorcery skills, Daniel obtained a satsuma, the wool of a black sheep and a crab in an attempt to revive Vinny Samways. Daniel had hoped to install Vinny as Head if Conditioning and Coaching. The experiment malfunctioned unfortunately, and instead he created a depraved Steve Sedgely, running in ever decreasing circles. Finding no use for him, Daniel installed the creature as head of the ticket office. Daniel finally abandoned the project after his third attempt ended in catastrophe, and a lumbering, stuttering abomination was created. Having no choice, Daniel made this shambles the official website, whose motto was never knowingly first to a story. Once its homepage was eventually opened, the Tottenhamites could be first hear about the signing of Jimmy Greaves from Milan and post either sarcastic or mindlessly optimistic comments in the Facebook sidebar. The Tottenhamites cried in dismay.
And Daniel decided to test the Tottenhamites with the launch of the new kit. Images appeared showcasing the players garbed in the Under Armour vestments. And the Tottenhamites were much vexed by this. Was the absence of Jenas a reflection of his impact on games? Were the players who looked angry or sad about to be sold? Why was VdV mysteriously moved? Was Friedel auditioning to be some comic book villain? Was Sandro imbibing noxious substances? No-one knew for sure.
And Daniel realised that like many things Sugar of Essex did when he ran the club during the 1990s, the old Spurs Lodge was cheap, nasty and not fit for purpose, much like the signing of Jason Dozzell.
Daniel wanted Boaz to have the best training facilities. So with help of the Lord, he created a garden for him, not as far east, in Enfield. And Daniel placed the hulking frame of Kaboul at the gates to protect the Garden of Enfield by day and by night. A pack of blood crazed Tarricos were set to watch over those entering and leaving the Garden so that none would dawdle, wind down their windows and chat to the Sky Sports cameras, as was the custom of Ari.
And so Daniel placed in the Garden of Enfield everything Boaz needed to prepare him for his quest. Pitches, swimming pools and gyms were built, along with a cryogenic chamber to freeze the DNA of the better players and create perfect clones, as part of a new cost-effective youth policy. A wise move thought Daniel, for he could utilise the sponsors Aurasma for this, which seemed to many Tottenhamites to be another faceless multinational corporation engaged in shady, morally ambiguous scientific activities. A bit like Manchester United.
And so Boaz got to work, focussing on 'Dead Ball Situations', which Ari had believed to be a slapstick 1970s comedy starring Burt Reynolds. And at last a use was found for Jenas, Bentley and Gio to utilise their free kick abilities. They excelled at forming part of the wall against which the better players practised.
Confounded by these new ways and worried about his reputation, Ari sent his loyal disciple Joseph of Jordan to protest against the attacks against Ari's tactical abilities.
The Jordanite placed his teeth in his mouth and scolded the doubters 'Yea. End thy jesting about the tactics of the wise Ari. I worked with him for many years and a greater tactical mind will not be found on the face of the earth. He would study for hours thinking, scheming, about when the best time would be to phone Talksport. Ari would have sleepless nights mulling whether to go with the 'alwight lads/ down to bare bones/ 2 points from 8 games' angle. When he knew he had to win, he shifted to the 'we battered 'em/ Spurs never had it so good/ you'll ave to ask the Chairman' formation. Sometimes he could even adjust mid-game to the 'what a shot from their right back/ the keeper had a worldy/ the lads are tired' option'. But the Tottenhamites groaned and remembered Villa away.
And so Boaz set out to do the exact opposite of Ari to find favour in the eyes of Daniel. Whereas Ari would only talk about England instead of Spurs, Boaz would talk too much about Chelsea. Before he was banished, Ari only talked about his strained relationship with Daniel, yet Boaz would talk about his fractured relationship with the Roman. As Ari would target fourth, for Boaz, first would be targeted. If Ari would train them once a day, Boaz would train them thrice.
And the players were shocked at the taskmaster Boaz. Constant training meant that Benny's afro withered, and the tattoo parlours and nightclubs of Essex faced an uncertain future. For the elders amongst the squad, they recalled the days of old, under Ramos, with a modern technical Uefa cup winning manager, intense training, fitness work without end, nutritionists, statistics, and analysts. Knowing how that ended up, Daniel and all the Tottenhamites became as one and prayed to the Lord that history would not repeat itself...