The 11th chapter in the epic Book of Daniel by Ryan the Perplexed (guest-blogger).
And the so it came to pass that after many years of toil, Daniel had finally appointed a priest of worth in Maurice. A man who suffered fools without gladness. And the Lord saw that Maurice instilled strength in the Tottenhamites. And yea, Maurice believed more than the Tottenhamites in the road to Heaven.
And though Daniel bestowed Wanyama upon Maurice, he also gave him Janssen, Nkoudou and Sissoko. And Maurice did not weep or wail, unlike the rest of the Tottenhamites, who said 'How are we expected to compete with the best if you give us so little! The positions are correct, but the quality is not! Do you really expect us to believe that Sissoko was the plan at the start of the window? Oh Daniel, yet again you have failed us! You spend too much on the wrong players and spend too little trying to sign the right ones!'
And so the Tottenhamites camped at Wembley, a land inhabited by past ghosts and dreadful transport facilities, where they sojourned for an entirely forgettable Champions League campaign. It was a great burden for the Tottenhamites who assembled in great numbers. And amidst much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the team suffered boils, locusts and conceding poor goals. 'O Hugo!' they cried, 'Why hast thou been instructed to pass the ball badly from the back?! Nervous are we, and our enemies will smite us thanks to your dreadful kicking, which brings fear into our hearts'. And the Tottenhamites approached Daniel and complained to him 'For one year we toiled greatly, and suffered a great injustice at the hands of the Foxites. We had dreamt for Champions League football. Where is our van der Vaart? Instead you gave us Sissoko, who is so bad, even his own mother cannot be proud of him'. And the Tottenhamites moved their camp.
But Maurice was a wise and brave man. And he made his players wise and brave. They forgot how lose at home. Their mere appearance struck fear into the hearts of most teams who cowered before them. And the Lord set before them Kane, who would protect them by day and Jan and Tobias who would protect them by night. And Maurice had an epiphany to make Alli the Exalted a second striker. Though young and rash, Alli soon grew to be greatly feared amongst the tribes. The Tottenhamites rejoiced in his coming, for he knew no fear, and they played their lyres and timbrels and sang about Alli and their enemies' inability to understand just how good and cheap he was, especially compared to certain Goonite cowards of strange countenance.
The Tottenhamites won victory after victory. At Swansea, death seemed imminent but out of nowhere, Alli, Son and the Christian delivered the Tottenhamites from the fiery furnace. At the Palace of Crystal, the Christian again made the difference. The Tottenhamites grew fearful, waiting for their great joy to collapse as it had done so many times in past.
The storm clouds grew over White Hart Lane on the day of the last North London Derby. The Goonite hordes had lost their superiority of ability, but their superiority of arrogance was as immovable as a mountain. The Goonites toiled, but they could not prevail against Maurice's men who were faster, stronger and better. It was done. The St Totteringham's Day beast was slain. There was a great rejoicing and the Goonites, rather than contemplate their new reality as inferiors, sought refuge in the past. After two and twenty years, the Goonites were finally and without struggle, left in the shadows they themselves wrought. The Goonites wanted Wenger the Blind to be banished to the wilderness, and the Tottenhamites rejoiced greatly in their suffering.
The Spamites emerged from their hovel into a stadium designed for running and not football. Taken aback by the fact that their small, beady eyes could barely see the football, their season was a sad one. They turned up once all season to defeat the Tottenhamites. But in the end, it mattered not. And Maurice and his tribe saw the evil and filth before them and knew the task at hand. Harry laid waste to the Foxites and meted justice sixfold upon their strange thatched heads and sevenfold upon the men of Hull. And the barbaric tribes and simple men of the media tried to besmirch Maurice and the Tottenhamites: 'Look upon yourselves' they said 'we all said you were not good enough for top four. We said Kane was a one season wonder. We said Maurice could not get you playing for a whole season without fading away. And so we will change the goalposts yet again and say that Daniel will weaken and sell your best players and who cares about second place anyway? You need trophies now'. But the Tottenhamites girded their loins and ignored them and hoped that Daniel would harden his heart.
And so the final horn blew against Man Utd at the Lane, and the multitudes came onto the sacred ground singing hosannas. They could contain themselves no longer- the young, the old and the morbidly obese. Old men rolled on the ground like playful children. They kissed the ground and wept, in raptures being so close to something so holy. And after completing their devotions, the Tottenhamites returned to the enclosures quietly. And out of their midst appeared a chariot dragging a strange trailer. And the Tottenhamites grew fearful and murmured amongst themselves, speculating about what was contained therein. Could it be Lamela? Adele? Milenko Acimovic? A letter from Rivaldo? Or Sol Campbell, emerging clad in robes of spandex, with Wilshere strapped to his back, about to sing a Goonite dirge about winning the league at White Hart Lane. A long time ago. When they used to be good.
Yet the only emergence was the parade of legends. A group of men who over many years, brought forth joy to the Tottenhamites, and in the case of Anderton the Sick, brought great wealth to medical healers. And the Tottenhamites showed their love for those that were there and those that were not - either in this world or the world to come. And Daniel appeared before the masses, via the Jumbotron installed by Alan The Gob. Daniel's little balloon head bobbed as he blessed the people God had set before him to deliver from darkness to light. And the Tottenhamites thanked Daniel for his good works, though some cursed his mistakes such as Tim Deadwood, Santini, Soldado and a lack of ambition in the transfer market.
And Maurice and his troops were brought forth from the depths and the old and the new merged as one as the Tottenhamites thanked them for many good days of their lives.
And suddenly the heavens stopped their weeping and the Lord bathed the East Stand in bright sunshine. God blessed Daniel and the Tottenhamites, saying to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth with Spurs kits. The fear and dread of you will fall on all the Goonites, Spamites and Chavites, and on all the birds in the sky, on every creature that moves along the ground, and on all the fish in the sea; they are given into your hands. Just as I gave you Bill Nic, Jimmy Greaves, Glen Hoddle, Paul Gascoigne and Gareth Bale I now give you everything'.
Then God said to Daniel and to his sons with him: 'I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you and with every fan that was with you—even those wearing half and half scarves —every Tottenhamite on earth. I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all hope be lost; never again will there be a Goonite flood to destroy the earth. You are better than them at last. Just as you had to wallow in history to evade the present pain, to this they will now be condemned, as they wander the wastes of the Earth on Thursday nights, bearing the mark of Kane'.
And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you. Come On Ye Spurs'.
And the rainbow encased the East Stand as it bathed in the warmth of the sun. The Tottenhamites prayed fervently, along with a singer Daniel got cheaply from an insurance comparison website, and said farewell to their old temple, as it waved its proud children goodbye one last time.
And they saw that it was all good.
The Book of Daniel