Bale to Madrid: "Stop stalking me and p**s off"

"I know who you are, Pérez. I know what you want. If you are looking for Bale's signature, I can tell that you won't get it. What I do have for you are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you don't come after Gareth Bale, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you persist, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you" - Daniel Levy.

Florentino Pérez, the Real Madrid president, discovered the hard way that 24 year-old Gareth Bale is not available for transfer from Tottenham Hotspur. Accustomed as he is to tough meetings, the phone call Levy had with the Real Madrid president last Wednesday left the Madrid supremo paralysed with fear, rocking back and forth in a corner, gently foaming from his mouth.

Bale was fairly casual with his approach to his chairman unlike the demonic power he displays on the pitch of White Hart Lane. The Welsh forward left little room for doubt with his concerns: "I'm not interested in Bose or Sennheiser. I only want a new pair of Dr Dre Beats"

Bale is under contract at Spurs until 2016 but his sly agent, Jonathan Barnett, unbeknown to them, punked Florentino Pérez and José Angel Sánchez in a meeting held in Madrid on 25th June that Madrid could purse Bale under the illusion they would pressure Spurs into selling. However this was simply a ploy for the player to maximise the potential for an extension to his current contract. Should the new deal at Tottenham be accepted, Bale will spend the next five seasons at White Hart Lane, and as part of the new agreement, be imprisoned within the Phantom Zone during the summer months to avoid any harassment from Pérez and Madrid.

The clock is ticking and although there has been no official response to Daniel Levy's threat, there is now an air of resignation in Madrid which is seeping in as they are beginning to accept the inevitable. It is clear that where Bale would really rather be next week, rather than in Hong Kong, is in New York, Times Square...dressed in white. Oh hold up. He's already there. Tottenham High Street. It's Tottenham High Street.