Dear Mr Levy,
Well well well. Mr Chairman, what an absolute ball-ache of a disaster you've got yourself into. Let's list the cataclysmic key moments in the build up to our Annus horribilis.
- Go to the Bahamas, sit on a yacht half naked with Joe Lewis and have Andre Villas-Boas claim a 'break through' for the club with you sanctioning a mental summer spending spree
- Finance said spree by selling the clubs best player and only truly game changer in Gareth Bale which turned out to be a brilliantly placed inception given to you by Arsene Wenger which paved the way for Mesut Özil to sign for them
- Start the squad rebuild from ground zero whilst your teenage babysitter attempts to gel all the fledglings signed and thus having to write off another season due to transition, whilst said coach gets a year closer to fulfilling his real dream: driving a car very fast. Which is ironic considering the car he's currently attempting to drive can't get out of the driveway
- Players signed all have to be carefully assimilated into N17 life by gradually being introduced into the first team fold over a period of several years (until players reach expected peak of ability at age of 28)
- Continue to watch from the directors box as the man you replaced Harry Redknapp with PowerPoints his way through learning about the game having never actually played it, waiting forever for another fluke like the one that took place at Porto
What's that? Best ever start to a Premier League season? Clean sheets? Record points tally last season? All simply coincidental. A magicians illusion that helps to mask the reality that we are on the edge of absolute oblivion. Spurs circa any season in the 90s will have amounted a similar points tally (with a slight variance of around 18 points) during this campaign.
He's had all of last season and 11 games this season. That's more than enough to constitute a probationary period. Do we actually have to wait the time it takes for him to potentially get the side working and winning something to be proved wrong? What odds on that? It's far more likely he'll fail - much like every other manager we've ever had, aside from one or two minor high points since the 60s. We're asking for something we've had not even a handful of times in our history. Considering we've only had the nerve to ask for it in the past few years you'd think the club would be polite and reciprocate our demands?
Where is our expected mixture of everything we want all nicely package and delivered to us by hand (and feet)? What is this drip drip of a waiting game we play? How difficult is it to get half the team to stick to the regimental high line that AVB does seem to have injected successfully into the side (and thus sorting out our defending) and the rest playing any shade of Lilywhite football we've been treated to by previous managers?
Have you and your coach even bothered to look around at the other clubs?
Everyone else is rubbish. There is no longer anything to fear. Why not factor this into your long term planning and instead of attempting to build for the future and attain longevity with wishy washy footballing academy and transfer templates, how about just grabbing the cockerel by the balls and doing what we all know is the only thing this club of ours is capable of doing - daring to achieve glory, even if its one single solitary moment in an ocean of moments where the rest of our attempts drown in the depths.
By signing £100M worth of fragile talent and waiting patiently (the p-word controversy again) for us to click, we are losing valuable momentum and points. I don't want to win titles and cups for a prolonged period of say 5-10 years starting 2/3 years from now. I want something tangible and entertaining and I demand to have it now. What is football if it doesn't entertain you and make you feel alive? I tell you what it is, it's just a bunch of men kicking the ball about on grass whilst I spend more time looking down the blouse of the hot bird in the row in front of me.
Give me glorious 4-3 defeats, give me repetitive heart-break and agony and perpetual ground-hog days of having it all in your hands and then losing it. I want adventure. Even if I don't find the treasure before the end credits roll, at least I'd still have that long and winding and torturous and nail-biting journey that got me there. At least I would have dared to venture to the ends of the earth. If I fall off, that would be very Tottenham of me.
We need to play with complete freedom of expression - no shackles, no deliberately controlled tip-tap football with strict rigid robotic sideways movement.
'Run around a bit' someone once said.
Therefore I propose the following essential enforced changes to allow for a single season of unadulterated swashbuckle, swagger and Spurs-fuelled drama supported with reborn White Hart Lane form:
- Untuck shirts, roll down socks
- Defenders defend, full backs over lap, wingers wing it, midfielders tackle, attacking midfielders create, striker scores
- Tactics over complicate football. Just run at high speed towards the opposition goal, if necessary, kicking the ball ahead of you so that your running remains directionally relevant to the occasion
- When at home, attack attack attack. Play like we're starting the game 1-0 down and it's the last ten minutes in a Cup Final. If we happen to go 1-0 down in the game (meaning its now 2-0 in the 'cup final') then go at it like we're 2-0 down in a cup final with ten minutes to go and need three goals to win it (which would also give us the three points in the actual game itself). If we go 2-0 down in the actual game itself (making it 3-0 in the cup final), forget about the cup final. There's always next year
- If the opposing team park the bus, pass the ball back (with carefully orchestrated possession play) and everyone knock it around our own penalty box, then just hold there, all ten players, on the edge of the box. The away side will grow suspicious of this anti-football but will nevertheless approach. When they do, kick the ball at the face of the nearest opposition player. FA rules will stipulate he'll have to be substituted for medical reasons if concussed. Repeat until opposing side no longer have a bus, just a unicycle. Score a hatful of goals. Win
- To give us the opportunity to attack with pace and avoid a congested midfield, extend the pitch size width by removing the West Stand. Resident West Stand season ticket holders and regulars won't notice as they'll arrive at the ground just before the game then leave just before the kick of to beat the traffic
- For match-days only, replace the home dug out with a rolled down car window which AVB can lean out of whilst shouting instructions. The Sky Sports cameras present and a sizeable chunk of the home support will adore the loveable rouge antics of the coach and the pure bantz of the occasion. Look at him! He's leaning out of a car window, talking with his voice telling us nothing of interest or importance, it's like he's the man of the people! This will relieve pressure on AVB, more so if Steffen Freund barks whilst on all fours, answering to the name of Rosie
- Play to strengths. Eriksen in the hole. Lamela on the wing. Adebaoyor in a white pimped up Range Rover Instragming his new designer shades
- If we fail to qualify for the Champions League and also fail to win any silverware due to the free-flowing style and its inconsistency, don't fret. No one will complain as we'll have got our Tottenham back and it's not the winning something that matters but the echo of glory in the failure of attempting it. For examples of said echoes check out any side that isn't the 51 team the 61 team, the early 70s team, the 81 team, the 91 team and the CL team
- In home games against lesser opposition where consumer expectancy is high, play in front of an empty White Hart Lane. The only words of encouragement heard will be from the players talking to each other. With no possibility of negativity their confidence will be high and practically unbreakable
- Kill Chirpy. No reason. Just kill him. Drown the SOB in Reggae Reggae sauce
Follow the manifesto and we can not lose. Either way.