The Book of Daniel - Chapter Two

by Ryan the Perplexed


Yea, and Ari the Blameless was cast out into the wilderness by Daniel, amidst much crying, wailing and confusion amongst the Hacks. And the Hacks took all their gold, columns and tweets and melted them down to cast an idol of Ari who they revered as a God and who had bestowed twitches and quotes to them from the days of old. And the name of the place where the idol was erected and to where Ari was banished was called Sandbanks, because it was felt that Daniel's case gainst Ari was built upon banks of sand. This displeased Daniel greatly but he was humble and knew his tongue was quiet, his bald head shone like a jewel in the sun, and that PR was something that happened to other people.

And the Tottenhamites were in turmoil, every man against his brother and every father against son in their views over whether Daniel had done the right thing. The camp was split and feared Daniel and what he would do next.

Chaos reigned.  Who was ITK? Who was not ITK?

Many of the wise elders of the camp were  bemused by Daniel's actions, saying that stability was required and though Ari had faults, his PPG record was excellent and unless the new prophet was holier, this was a reckless move. They claimed that Daniel did not provide Ari with enough shekels and he had to work miracles amongst the old, the sick, the lame and the other January transfer window signings.

Yet the younger Tottenhamites were noisy in number and  believed Daniel had done right in their eyes, for they hated Ari and the dung that spewed forth from his mouth by day and by night. They looked upon Daniel favourably and saw he could do no wrong. They did not care for a new Temple for which Daniel had toiled to no avail. They thought the squad was worthy already. They forgot Daniels sins with Santini and Ramos and Pleat. They did not recall selling Berba for Frazier. They did not remember Rasiak. Or Bentley. Or Bunjevcevic.

And so Daniel hid in a cave and considered his options. After eating 10 rubbery smoked salmon bagels from the West Stand, Daniel fell  into a deep sleep and dreamed a dream.

He had a vision of White Hart Lane glowing and throbbing. Across the battlefield gleaming metal was held aloft, the Tottenhamites had the Rapture and rejoiced in victory. Strewn across the battlefield the shattered remnants of the Goonite hordes, broken and no more. In the dugout Wenger the Blind was destroying vessels of water beyond measure and wailed. The Goonite smugness smashed forever. The Rapture grew, the Angels of '61 sang and in the Spurs dugout was a Portuguese, who had won with Porto and managed the Chelsea Despicables. The Portuguese smiled, realising that after all his travels he had now found a home, a dynasty and a calling. He looked up at Daniel in the Director's Box and waved. The Tottenhamites took this as a sign, purchased and donned official apparel from the club shop and prostrated themselves in front of Daniel, their King crowned at last.

Daniel was ecstatic and woke knowing what he had to do.

And so after many warnings, signs and wonders, such as the unholy luck of the Despicables, the Lord spoke to Daniel.

'Daniel, did you see the vision I gave you? A way for you to be loved by your people. A way forward after the days of Ari? The Man from Porto is the One'

And Daniel replied 'Yes O Lord. I have secured the man. He was surprisingly willing and ready to come, and for a very reasonable salary and bonus plan. Andreas is just packing his male grooming kit and will be here soon.

And the Lord shook his head and Heaven groaned. 'Daniel. I meant Mourinho. My child, your people look to you for I have set you as their Leader. But you need to learn from your mistakes. Andreas was a disaster for the Despicables. He even upset their evil men, which takes some doing. He talked and talked about his Project, he is of few years, he did much worse than Ari who had less shekels and no luck. He even lost to Aston Villa. At home.'

The Lord continued 'So you've got Andreas. It could have been worse like Martinez. What else has happened? What have you done following my clear warnings and lessons? I assume Kevin the Bondsman has gone and River Jordan crossed?'

'Yes' replied Daniel. 'I have cleansed the Lane of all of Ari's disciples, even Clive the Oneseasonwonder, though his love for the Club was pure.'

'So it is' said the Lord. 'And I hope you got rid of Tim Deadwood too. And no return to the DOF system. It has never worked in the PL. You were closest to glory and honour without a DOF confusing, meddling and stopping the manager doing his job and giving you somewhere to hide from your people. Why are you scared and what are you scared of? You should assemble the people, speak to the Tottenhamites and show them the way to redemption. You may try to hide, Daniel, but I am the Lord. I can find you easily.  I just have to turn up to the AGM. I hope that you have learned these lessons now Daniel, as you try to lead the Tottenhamites to the Promised Land with your 7th prophet in eleven years?'

But Daniel was silent and gulped uneasily. He looked at his calendar. It was two months and eleven days until his own personal transfer window opened at 11.50pm on 31 August and lasted for just 10 minutes.

Plenty of time to sit and wait...



Read Chapter One here.