The Secret Diary of Dave Ephedrine Aged 37¾ (week 2)

by guest-blogger Tricky


Please note: This dary is purely fictional, still, as per last time. So no need for anyone to take offence, as this all this existed purely in my head (which probably says more about me than any of our, ahem, esteemed posters) to start with.

ps. I love you davspur, please don't ever gve up. You give us all hope that one man / woman can make a difference. This comment has no relation to the subject matter either, it is also just a coincidence, just thought I'd mention it.


Week 2


Have now got two members on facebook group, although technically one of them is a friend, as made profile for Dave the Brick myself. Apparently I need to take a week off LSD as a ‘control’ before deciding the next one to benchmark against, had heard of ‘controls’ before but thought it was to do with flying, in a plane that is. Bought Detox kit from ‘Holland & Barrett’ that place freaks me out. Found ‘caps lock’ button again, much relief, but wonder if last week’s drug had affected vision at all as apparently it had been there all along.


Went to Spurs lodge to see if I could speak to Harry about the EVIL blighting the game today. Managed to catch him in the car park, but think he got confused as he said ‘he wasn’t worried as he had someone in his pocket’, I too was confused by then so left. Went for run, Man followed me. Very odd, he must like running too. Wrote letter to Holland & Barrett to clarify exactly how homeopathic stuff works. Tried to explain to Mrs. Dave that water had a ‘memory’ when shaken, she didn’t believe me and I got confused.


Midweek game – replay, again! Took Mrs. Dave to the match, was watching closely every time the physio went on. Couldn’t quite see into his kit bag to see what was in it. [Note to self: Buy more powerful bins]. Watched replay on SKY+ when got home later, why doesn’t it have a zoom function and why do they cut away when physio goes on? Is this conspiracy bigger than I once thought? Are SKY in on it? Is there just one big cover up?


Still only 2 members of EATS on facebook. Decided on meth amphetamine for next week after much deliberation. This experiment is starting to become expensive, might have to limit my comparison list, or at least select cheaper drugs. Spent afternoon writing letters to various governing bodies about my research so far, hopefully will elicit a better response now I have been ‘pro-active’ and have empirical data to back up my findings.


Payday – Hooray. Went straight to Dixons to get new, more powerful bins, they are the nuts so decided to call them Dave (after Dave the brick). Got letter back from FA asking me to stop sending letters to them, well that settles that then, they are definitely in on it! Man still lurking outside, maybe he works next door, which is odd as it’s a Kwik Fit and I’ve never seen him in any sort of boiler suit. Didn’t think they offered a 24hour service either, now wondering if I had misread fortune cookie from previous week.

                dave the bins


Took Dave the Bins on first trip to WHL, they really are the nuts. No-one injured so didn’t help, was able to conclude that opposition were definitely on EVIL, as couldn’t keep up when on max zoom. Fortunately didn’t make difference as we held on for a win. Drafted another letter to Daniel Levy to highlight EVIL in game, will gamble on him not taking out an injunction as per previous correspondence. Noticed one sample bottle missing from fridge, wondering if someone has read my diary and is now trying to wreck my science, decided not to mention to Mrs. Dave.


Got letter through post today, which is odd as the postman normally takes a day off on Sunday. It said ‘DAVE EPHADRINE, STOP CAUSING US PROBLEMS, WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, MICHEL’. Was confused by this as I don’t even know a ‘Michael’, so how does he know where I live? He did at least write in capital letters, so that was pleasing, even if he did misspell his own name. No reply from Holland & Barrett yet.