Seven sure-fire ways for Spurs to score from the penalty spot

1) Draft in Derren Brown to create the illusion that the penalty has already been taken and saved and while the keeper punches the air in celebration, the penalty taker can simply slot the ball into an open goal without any concern that it might be kept out.

2) Play the ball ever so slightly forwards to allow a second player to run into the penalty area and strike the ball to confuse the keeper and score with arrogant ease. It's so easy, its impossible to fail! Impossible!

3) If the match is officiated by Howard Webb, simply wear a Man Utd shirt under the Spurs shirt and give him a sneaky look at the colours. Don't fret if you don't score first time round - Webby will let you take it until you firmly slot the ball into the back of the net. Wheel away and celebrate and if Webb happens to skid past you on his knees slapping his chest just do as he does to avoid a potential yellow card for failure to appease The Church of United.

4) Have a random bit of totty in a sexy short skirt and tight top flirting with the penalty taker from behind the goal holding up a banner stating 'Score this and you score with me'.

5) Don't take the penalty. If the ref questions this and blows his whistle repeatedly, simply explain that you have already taken the penalty. If he states you haven’t because the ball is still on the spot, tell him that in essence he is only half correct. The metaphysical presence of the ball is on the spot but it's journey from there to the goal is one that has already taken place many times before. Then explain that to get through the hardest journey we need to take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping. Proceed to shuffle in front of the ball never striking it, and then sit down and mediate for 4 hours.

6) Pick up the ball run towards the goal and then dive across the line making sure the ball (cradled in your arms) touches the ground as your body skids on the grass. Let everyone know you just invented a new version of football and then form a new breakaway league where handball is allowed. If the ref tries to argue this already happened back in 1823, let him know that history only began in 1990 and anything prior to that date is null and void. The ref will have to allow the goal.

7) A months wage docked for any penalty that isn't scored. Special DVD release for successful scorer with accompanying 'Where were you when XXXX scored from the spot?'