When a goalkeeper makes a spectacular save and is congratulated by his team mates he must furiously usher them away, pretending that the save meant absolutely nothing to him.
'The Magic sponge' has magical properties that can transform a player who appeared to be at deaths door into a fully fit athlete within seconds.
A chipped penalty that goes in is genius.
A chipped penalty that is saved, the taker instantly becomes the worst footballer ever.
In Sunday league, a throw-in deep in your own half will, without fail, will force an opposing to player to shout out 'BOX 'EM IN!!!!!!!
A player coming up to take a free kick anywhere on the pitch must pick the ball up and toss it forwards about 2 feet with a slight back spin.
Any contentious decision involving Arsenal must be unseen by Arsene Wenger.
All positive contributions by Peter Crouch must be disregarded in lieu of his height.
The obstruction rule must be ignored when defenders are shielding the ball in injury time.
Mike Riley must give a penalty at Old Trafford.
Defenders are exempt from the laws of diving. (Watch how many times a defender will jump on the floor under pressure around their own box, especially near the corner flags, and always get the decision!)
Teams with a free kick 'specialist' will somehow manage to get more free kicks in or around the box than teams without one.
When a contentious incident occurs in a game, the manager on the wrong end of the decision must furiously berate the fourth official, as if HE is responsible for the decision, presumably by exercising some sort of mind control over the referee.
The World Cup must be awarded to whichever potential host country is least practical.
Obstructing another player from getting the ball is perfectly acceptable when it is travelling out of play slowly, but anywhere else on the pitch and it will be called as a foul.
When a visiting player controls the ball with his chest 90% of the home crowd must berate the ref for missing an obvious handball.
When a goalkeeper has made a spectacular save sending the ball out for a corner, he must stand up, bang his hands together three times then bawl out a defender.
When a defender has made a spectacular block he cannot wince or rub the affected party of the body until the ball is upfield and all eyes have followed it. (edit: unless your name is Gomes)
The bloke who hardly ever goes to matches has to compensate for this by being the loudest and trying to start a song every three minutes, often standing with his back to the field of play, waving his arms frantically and trying to make eye contact with anyone stupid enough to return his gaze.*
*May only apply in The Paxton.
If Jack Wilshere runs with the ball, because he plays for Arsenal, he must surely be the best young player on the planet. Second best young player on the planet.
Matchday mascots must always have a bemused expression on their little faces and have absolutely no idea where the edge of the pitch they must run off to is located.
TV highlights of a match which show a substitution being made invariably mean the new player will have a hand in the next goal.
If you play for Stoke you can spend 30% of the match cleaning the ball with a towel without getting booked.