Dear Mr Levy, I emailed but you still ain't callin

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DML was 14 years old in the month of May, so naturally, it makes sense to revisit and revise (for modern times) the quintessential satirical Dear Mr Levy blog from 2009.

With the deepest heart felt apology to Eminem and his trademark "Stan" track which tells a story of an obsessed fan who writes to the rapper without (initially) receiving a reply.

DAN 2021

Chorus:

My supports gone cold I'm wondering why I

go to Spurs at all

The timeline seethe clouds up my iphone

and I can't see at all

And even if I could it'll all be memes

Put the Bahamas on my wall

It reminds me, that ENIC’s so bad

ENIC’s so bad

[Spooky]

Dear Mr Levy, I emailed but you still ain't callin

I left my Twitter, my Insta, and my dick pic at the bottom

I sent two letters back in lockdown, along with half a gram you must not have got 'em

There probably was a problem with security or the postmen

Sometimes they just throw out my parcels when I drop them

But anyways; f*ck it, what's happening Dan? How's the naming rights going?

I got furloughed too, but I’m still spending in the club shop

If I spend more cash, I’ll be fully bankrupt, loving that purple top

I'ma still give you my money

I read about your mate Perez too, I'm sorry

I had a friend mug himself over Chirpy, who didn't smile and wave back

I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan

I even liked the director shit that you did with Comolli the Modric Stan

I got a room full of your THST minutes and your letters to supporters man

I like the sh*t you did with All or Nothing too, that sh*t was deadpan

Anyways, I hope you get this guv, hit me back,

Just to chat, truly yours, proper Spursy

This is Spooky

Chorus

[Spooky]

Dear Mr Levy, you still ain't texted or pinged me, does Donna Cullen never write a post-it note, she disrespect me?

I ain't mad - I just think it's F*CKED UP I don’t float your boat

If you didn't wanna talk to me at the old White Hart Lane

You didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Cuddly Poch

That's my little effigy man, he's a reminder of good times of old

We waited in the blistering cold for you

For four hours and you just said, "No."

That's pretty stubborn man, he got us to the Champions League final

You could have backed him in the transfer window, he could have been an idol

I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein' lied to

Remember when we met in Stratford, you said if we moved we’d be bigger than everyone

See I forgave you for that in some way

I even did you a favour with Archway so they could go away

You used to always promise grand things and no price hikes

But I can still relate to what you're saying in your club statements

So when Spurs have a shitty day, I tweet then block and mute

'Cause I don't really got sh*t else so that sh*t helps when I feel cute

I even got a tattoo of Steve Hitchen across my chest

Sometimes I even rate Mourinho to see how much it hurts

He’s like ketamine, the pain is such a sudden k-hole, the man is proper dirt

See everything you say is real, and I respect you and would love to flirt

My friends are jealous 'cause I vblog about you 24/7

But they don’t know you like I know you Dan, no one does

They don't know what it was like for Joe Lewis growin' up, you gotta call me man

I'll be the biggest blogger you'll ever lose

Sincerely yours, Spook

P.S. we should share an IPA soon

Chorus

[Spooky]

Dear Mister You're-Gonna-Get-My-Burning-Replica-Kit-Thrown-At-Your-Door

this'll be the last f*cking effigy I ever send you, 1pm Cornerpin, I will end you

It's been Christ knows how long and still no word – new manager? We don't deserve it?

I know you got my last two letters;

I wrote in blood on 'em perfect…

So this is another audio note I'm sending you, I hope you see and hear it

I'd have rang you using voice-call but I lose reception when I use it

I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 61 on the High Street

Hey Daniel, I drank ten cans of Holsten, you dare me to do?

You know the song by Hoddle and Waddle, "Diamond Lights"?

About the guy standing alone in the rain regretful

And he declares his love for her even though she's as hard as stone

That's kinda how this is, you're as cold as ice to me, I'm struggling with my airflow

Why the fuck do you persist with ignoring me, do I not deserve a guitar solo?

Now it's too late – you’re gonna appoint Conte over Poch aren’t you?

And all I wanted was peak Poch and some transfer window hauls

I hope you know I ripped ALL of your naked photo-shopped pictures off my bathroom walls

You're not keeping Harry Kane either, he needs to stay up front with Son, think about it...

These two are the greatest, they’ve been destroying the Premiership, do you not dream about it?

And when you dream it, I hope you can see Dele’s nutmegs and you SCREAM about them

I hope the Super League EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE about it. Please don't sell Kane to Man City or Madrid, I want us to build the team around him.

See Daniel; {*screaming*}

Shut up bitch! I'm trying to talk!

Hey Daniel, that's Eric Dier screamin in the trunk

But he ain't too good, I dropped Chirpy on his head

See I ain't like you

'Cause Eric’s defending makes me frown

It's time to get rid of him knees up mother brown

Well, gotta go, I think I'm almost here now

Oh sh*t, I forgot, how am I gonna renew my season ticket now?

{*car tires squeal*} {*CRASH*}

.. {*brief silence*} .. {*Police siren in the distance*}

Chorus

[Daniel Levy]

Dear Mr Spooky, I meant to message you sooner but I've been quite busy

I'm glad you like the new stadium, the NFL will be great there, I tell ya

Look, I'm really flattered you spend so much time protesting at the ground

and here's an autograph for your effigy, his cashmere jumper looks so sound

I wrote it on a P45

I'm sorry I didn't see you at the old Lane, I must have missed you

Don't think I did that intentionally, I had to pull the old girl down, I didn’t mean to diss you

But what's this stuff about the ESL?

I say that's just slightly untoward

Come on now, do you not want to be elected as a non-executive on the club board?

You got some trust issues Spooky, I think you and the THST need counselling

To help I'll put your name down in the raffle for a free sausage, you're bound to win

And don't worry the board will not be resigning, my door is only open for my own investments

I’m sorry about the furlough though, would you like some more refreshments?

I really think you need to stop getting so excited just relax the new manager will be a belter

We've got Kane on a long term contract, my mate Perez and Pep can’t afford him, it’s no helter-skelter

I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time before you hurt yourself,

I think that you'll be doing just fine, if you relax a little

I'm glad I inspire you but Spooky why are you so confused?

Try to understand, there's no Conte or Poch, it's Howe, you should be enthused

You should be so happy season ticket renewals are up, stop being so frantic

I watched this one bloke on the news a couple weeks ago that looked so sycophantic

He crashed his car into Matt Doherty’s house, high and drunk on booze

Had a naked chicken in the trunk and another lad, he was black and blue

And they found the drivers phone with an audio message he made, but they didn't say who it was to

Come to think about it, his name was...it was you...

Damn.