Things you will never see...


Christian Eriksen score directly from a free-kick

Dembele gliding past three players, running towards the penalty area with the opportunity to score, then not stopping to play a sideways past

A heatmap showcasing how many flirtations Chirpy has attempted pre-match

An empty Victor Wanyama back pocket

N17 High Road signs signalling Sunday closures due to bus parade for Europa League parade

Bloggers and podcasters at White Hart Lane

Tottenham's Player of the Season 2017/18: Moussa Sissoko

Tea but no biscuits at the next THST meeting

Mauricio Pochettino failing to cite philosophy in a press conference

Vincent Janssen nonchalantly flicking the ball past a keeper, celebrating before it rolls over the line

Vincent Janssen kicking the ball in the direction of the goal

Vincent Janssen kicking the ball

Vincent Janssen

@SupaYidGoToAllAwayGamesWellArd saying anything positive about his team because all his social media mates are edgy and don't like getting fizzy over football because that's what the proles do

A Twitter indirect

Daniel Levy and Florentino Pérez whispering sweet nothings to each other, honeymoon suite, 50 Shades on the telly

Paul Mitchell's black box used for anything other than a doorstop

Ben Davies in fancy dress as Danny Rose at the next club Christmas party

An affordable bagel at the new stadium

A brick at the new stadium

A £30M Argentine footballer in a Spurs shirt

Tottenham finishing above...ah...I can't bring myself to say it...


Tottenham finishing above the scum