Thou Shalt Not be a Gooner


Thou shalt not sit in silence if there's a game going on.
Thou shalt not worship statues or follow the herd blindly.
Thou shalt not ignore the names of Woolwich, Fulham circa 1910, Henry Norris, Gillespie Road.
Thou shalt not think any male over the age of 20 that doesn't vote in on-line polls is weird. Some people are grown adults.
Thou shalt not read John Cross.
Thou shalt not pretend our best players are not good enough for us when they get sold.
Thou shalt not obsess about petitions.
Thou shalt not pretend I didn't start supporting the club after the Invincibles.
Thou shalt not pretend I didn't start supporting the club after reading Fever Pitch.
Thou shalt not pretend that we don't care about Tottenham.
Thou shalt not claim to be embarrassed by Piers Morgan when he's the poster boy for all our knee-jerking.
Thou shalt not want Wenger out, Wenger in, Wenger out, Wenger in, Wenger out, Wenger in, Wenger out, Wenger in.
Thou shalt not bury myself in club merchandise to protect my low self-esteem and lack of individualism.
Thou shalt not ignore that geographically I should be Spurs.
Thou shalt not read blogs and 50k+ Twitter accounts and nod in agreement no matter what.
Thou shalt not constantly gloat like a self-righteous pr*ck and hide when the tables are turned.
Thou shalt not celebrate a player that doesn't understand why a rival club lost their minds when equalising as though it was a winning goal.

Thou shalt not put average players and the over-rated on ridiculous pedestals no matter how good the players they replaced were, even if I didn't see them play.
Paul Merson: Was just a mess.
Tony Adams: Just a donkey.
The 1971 double side: Just a bore.
Peter Storey: Just loves porridge.
Pat Jennings: Just on loan.
North Bank: Just half a minute.
Judas: Just soulless.
Moving from SE18: Just a franchise.
The Emirates: Just catatonic.
Dennis Bergkamp: Just a Spurs fan.
Thierry Henry: Just a flat-track bully.
Harry Kane: Just not Arsenal.
Mike Dean: Just a hero.
Zips: Just so tricky.
Selfies: Just so cringe.
The next big thing...Just made of crisps.

Thou shalt not accept a club captain from our rivals and idolise him as one of our own as it personifies a lack of self-being.
Thou shalt not forget that 'boring boring' was the clubs tradition for over 60 years, sacrificing style with no complaints.
Thou shalt not ignore Wenger painting on a blank canvas, all created in his image
Thou shalt not belittle the NLD by calling it 'their cup final'.
Thou shalt not talk about net spend.
Thou shalt not scream, meltdown, cry and contradict on Arsenal Fan TV.
Thou shalt not lie about attendance figures.
Thou shalt not turn up in N17 for a midweek evening game.
When the tannoy says "Forename" thou shalt not say "Surname".
When I say "gunner" thou shalt always say "runner".
When I say, he say, she say, we say, make some noise - kill the Away Boyz.

Ah, I forgot where I was, hang on, South or North London?

Thou shalt not use stats to prove world class status.
Thou shalt not behave like an eleven year old when discussing football with anyone that isn't an Arsenal fan.
Thou shalt not use the word 'yid' detrimentally when our own fanbase is diverse and multi-cultural.
Thou shalt not reference the word "Spuds" as the pinnacle of hilarity when our own club name has the word 'Arse' in it.
Thou shalt not question why our mascot is a dinosaur.
Thou shalt struggle to accept our true identity.
And thou shalt always...
Thou shalt always be a salmon chino wearing Rupert.



Re-imagined from "Thou Shalt Always Kill" by dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip