Five ways to end Real Madrid's interest in Gareth Bale

Five fool-proof methods to end Real Madrid president Florentino Perez's obsession with super-star attacking midfielder Gareth Bale:


1) Have Bale sign an extension to his contract in the middle of the White Hart Lane pitch in front of the press and TV cameras. But also invite Perez and his representatives and encourage them to object to the signing. As they approach Bale takes a mic and tells Perez he would love to join Madrid, signalling to the Madrid chairman to approach for a hug. As Perez does so, Bale moves swiftly forward kneeing both representatives than takes Perez, lifts him up, turns him upside and pile-drives him through the table. With Perez out for the count, Bale puts pen to paper to his Spurs contract and walks away with a swagger as Chas'n'Dave plays out from the tannoy system.

2) Pay to have reconstructive surgery on all first team players to look like Gareth Bale, including changing their name by Deed Pole and falsifying passport information to match the Welsh wizard in every fine detail. Then line them all up in a room and tell Perez he has a single chance to pick out the real Bale. If he does correctly he can sign him for 10 quid. Kenny McEvoy will then step forward and state 'I'm Bale'. Then everyone else will follow in the same manner ala Spartacus. Perez will panic with confusion and select the really big Bale with the afro and Nottingham accent.

3)  Levy agrees to sell Bale to Madrid only if Spurs win the double this season and then the Champions League the following season (with Bale still in the side). Real Madrid, in their desperation, allow Spurs to loan Ronaldo and Modric for two seasons and proceed to win the title, FA Cup and then the CL. When Madrid ask Spurs to honour the gentlemen's agreement written on a serviette, Levy reveals the pen had invisible ink and that the 'contract' is null and void. Levy then pulls down pants and waves bottom with Perez cursing and fist shaking before smiling and laughing with acceptance, muttering, "That Levy is craaaaaaaaazy"

4)  Ask Adrian Durham to broker the deal by meeting with Bale's agent and Real Madrid representatives live on air. He'll panic when Madrid offer £60M and keep repeating the Talksport phone-in number, foaming at the mouth and crying 'You're Daniel Levy. What do you say? What do you say? What do you say?' In his excitement he eats his own face. Talksport will confirm record listeners for the show and replace Durham with a brick whilst he recovers from his self-inflicted injuries. Madrid will walk away from the deal citing 'complications with the English'.

5) Get Under Armour to stuck up a massive billboard at Times Square of Bale in the new Spurs shirt. In addition; Bale will headline BT's coverage of Premier League games and appear on the cover of FIFA 14 alongside Messi wearing a Tottenham shirt. This one is probably a touch too subtle in delivery and to be honest, also over elaborate and hardly feasible in its application.

Number 2 is our best bet.