The Stupendous adventures of Luis Alberto Suárez Díaz

Rodgers: Okay, so you agree to behave yourself when you return from your ban for the bite on Ivanovic?

Suarez: Yes sir. I will behave.

Rodgers: Okay, that's great. So...

Suarez: Anything else boss?

Rodgers: I was wondering if...

Suarez: Yes boss?

Rodgers: The chair. This chair. The chair I'm strapped into.

Suarez: The wheelchair? Is it not comfortable?

Rodgers: Yes, yes. Very.

Suarez: Is it okay for you to be strapped into it?

Rodgers: Perfect. It's perfectly fine. The chair is supporting my body weight perfectly. I'm completely supported. Much like I'm completely supportive of you. Unequivocally.

Suarez: Great. And you're okay with my scalping the top of your head?

Rodgers: You're displaying commitment and creativity. It's what I expect from you.

Suarez: Good. Thanks boss. Here, this is...what you call in English...prefrontal cortex? Is tasty.

Rodgers: But...<begins to dribble from mouth>...<starts chewing>

Suarez: Tastes good, yes?

Rodgers: ...

Dalglish: What's going on here? Why am I wearing a black velvet cocktail dress? Why does it feel so good on my skin? What's he chewing on?

Suarez: I'm feeding him his own prefrontal cortex. A touch of how you say...sautéing?

Dalglish: WHAT?

Suarez: Is okay, I drugged him a little first.

Dalglish: Luis. You can't force feed him his own brains. It's frowned upon in this country.

Suarez: Is nice. Tasty. Little salt, seasoning?

Dalglish: <tastes>

Suarez: You like?

Dalglish: Luis...

Suarez: Yes?

Dalglish: It's going to be okay. I have a plan to resolve the imminent controversy and clear up this misunderstanding.

Next day. Anfield. Press conference.

Liverpool spokesperson: Technically speaking, it's not cannibalism. He didn't actually eat any of the meat-brain himself. Luis wanted to get into the head of his manager, connect, and understand him more. It was a very personal experience for both player and coach. We're a family here. It's a family activity. Everybody here gets to eat parts of each other's anatomy. Why this morning, Stevie Gerrard was enjoying poach eggs and Carragher's bum cheeks. Delic. In addition, Brendan's skull has been stitched back on. No harm done. Luis is also fine. He understands that some might frown on his colourful behaviour. He'll serve his thirty match ban...with chips and a Chianti.

Dalglish: <holds up a t-shirt> This t-shirt says he's innocent. That's all I've got.

Liverpool fans: INNOCENT!

Liverpool fans: Blatantly the FA's force-fed self-cannibalism rule is victimising one of our players!

Liverpool fans: Fergie wins again! We'd have won the league if it wasn't for this stupid rule!

Rodgers: It's okay everyone. I'm fine. I'm apples and a radical dance move away from enforcing pyjama clown snot and custard when looking at unicorns and bread cakes made of elephant gravy and the majesty of deep rooted caves.

Sports hack: What did he just say?

Another sports hack: Something about Liverpool only needing another 57% of accumulated possession stats to finish in the top four this season.

Sports hack: Brilliant. He's doing such a fine fine job here. Looks like we have our story for tomorrow done and dusted.

Following day, headline in the tabloids


SpookyLuis Suarez