The Stupendous Adventures of Eden Hazard

The Stupendous Adventures of Eden Hazard

by Eden Hazard of Eden Hazard fame.


"Hello, I am Ayden Uhzaaarh. Belgian wonder-kid and soon to be best player in world football. My utmost preference in my career is to have the best platform possible to be the best possible player. Football is more important than the money, my progress and development is pivotal to my happiness.

In the Premier League I will be able to showcase my unique vision and excel when surrounded by fantastic players that will aid in accentuating my skills. The club I will bestow this honour on would have to fit all the criteria that myself and my family have set out in my portfolio, terms and conditions apply. A golden era awaits.

I am Ayden Uhzaaarh, of the clan Uhzaaarh, and I am football personified"


Eden: I want to play in the Premier League.

Arsenal: Hello. I would like to make your acquaintance.

Eden: Yes?

Arsenal: Oh no, hold up, sorry. It would appear my wallet is empty. I have...I have some coupons? 

Lille: Move along.

Arsenal: What if we paid you over a fifty year payment plan? 

Lille: The door. Walk through it. 

Arsenal: Magic beans? 

Eden: I'm only interested in a move to Manchester.

Spurs: Hey, what about me? You said you'd consider me, right?

Eden: Security. Security... <snaps fingers, points>

Spurs: Nooooooooooo, waaaaaaaiiiit... <man-handled> Harry will play you in any position you want to play in, he'll even let you'll get to play with Defoe when he's not benched...we're building a supermarket next to the new stadium...Europa is still Europe, you still get to use your passport...

Eden: Manchester please only.

Utd: We have Alex Ferguson. Sir Alex Ferguson.

City: 90k per week.

Utd: We have dominated for a decade and have the heart and guts of winners.

City: 110k per week.

Utd: We will make you the talisman of the side, build the team around you.

City: 180k per week.

Utd: You will be at one of the biggest clubs in world football, you will have untold coverage for the world to witness your progression.

City: 200k per week and we'll pay your taxes.

Eden: <shrugs> Money isn't important to me.

City: 210k per week plus bonus pay based on assists, goals scored and silverware.

Eden: <cough>

City: 230k per week plus everything previously promised. Plus bonus pay each time you look in the mirror.

Utd: Hey? Hello? I'm still here you know <waves>. Hey? Am I invisible over here or what?

Chelsea: We'll match whatever City offered you.

City: 250k per week.

Chelsea: Yeah, that.

Eden: Hmm...

Chelsea: We also play our football in London, the paragon of English civilisation. Kings Road, chairman's yacht, paparazzi coverage, all inclusive.

Eden: Sounds...interesting.

Utd: What? Really? They haven't even confirmed their manager for next season? They finished 6th ffs! Hello? Sir Alex f****** Ferguson anyone? Anyone? Come on, someone!

Eden: <calls dad on mobile phone> Hi dad, it's me. What do you reckon I should do?

Eden's dad: If they all guaranteed you a shirt number and a certified position in the team, then, I don't know, choose the one with the best colours.

Eden: Thanks dad.

Eden: I will pick a team that plays in red but perhaps not actual red but probably and possibly a blue tinged blue colour that is neither red nor is it quite likely to be blue unless it is blue meaning I will pick a team in England that plays either in red or blue but I will not give my decision until it is given at some point soon. Perhaps after my last game for Lille when interviewed. Or not. On camera with ambiguity until a later date.

Spurs: Hi again. Any chance you might...

Eden: No.

Spurs: Okay, bye then.

Twitter: You're boring us now Eden. But keep flirting with all these clubs so we can pretend not to care and hate you but still clog up our time-lines with a variety of wisecracks and watch them re-tweeted to infinity even though we're all actually bored of you now but can't stop talking about you still because we'd love to actually see our club sign you.

Eden: <flutters eyelids>

Twitter: Ooooooh, Eden, stop it <girlish giggles> you big tease you <blush>

John Terry: Any chance I can get involved in this? A cameo in a joke punch line would do just fine.

Eden: Okay. I've made my decision. I will make it public later. I don't think I've built it up enough. Need more people talking about this.

LeBron James: Just make a decision punk.

City: 500k per week, final offer, plus we'll move London to the outskirts of Manchester. Or at the very least stick it on some wheels and pull it up every other weekend.

Eden: I've decided to join the Champions League winner. 

City: We've won that!! That's us!! Oh no, hold up. My mistake. The tattoo says 2013.

Chelsea: As easy as plucking a rare painting from a gallery wall.

Eden: I was always going to join a London club <laughing>.

Spurs: Oh great.

Arsenal: Nice one. Way to rub it in.

Spurs: Sigh. Might as well go and sign Junior Hoilett now.

Arsenal: No way! We're going to sign him.

Spurs: Fight ya for him! <scuffle>

Utd: Luka it is then.

Levy: £40M.

Utd: Carrick it is then.

Adel Taarabt: If anyone is interested, I'm still available. Real? Barca? New Zidane over here.

Eden: I am now on the path to glory.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your lust for power has already done that. You have allowed all this hype to twist your mind until now...until now you have become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Eden: <shrugs Tony Sopranoesque> What you gonna do?

Alan Shearer: Who the hell is Adam Hapzide?

The Stupendous Adventures of Eden Hazard will continue, this up and coming season, only in the English Premier League.



More Stupendous Adventures here.