Field report: Daniel Levy THFC club secrets revealed
Dear Mr Levy,
Evening to you.
Well technically, it's morning. 4am.
Been sitting here for an hour. Meditating. Yes, yes. I still recite passages from The Art of War by Sun Tzu. Some things, they never change. But other things, do. I recently upgraded to the ATN Night Warrior. Let me tell you, it's a stunning piece of kit. It really compliments my Snap Gun Lock Pick (it's what police officers use to open locks with minimal fuss). Very handy when you've gone and forgotten your credit card at home. Uses primary laws of physics to compromise locks. Genius. Picked it up on-line for just under £50, comes with picking needles and a tension tool. But without the ATN I'd be lost out in the dark, walking into your professionally trimmed rose bushes (why no Lilies?) and falling over the copies of The Opus you keep out back near the trash. If you need a fence to get rid of them, I know someone. He's well kosher. Knows a man who knows a man. Text me.
As for that ATN. We are talking high-tech, water-resistant second generation pocketscope technology. Had to upgrade from my trusted PSP-10 Cybereye which to be honest has seen better days. Sadly almost damaged beyond repair after the last squirrel attack at The Lodge. Those pesky b*stards never forget a face. Still, got a decent price for it on Ebay. I've already tested the ATN prior to my current assignment. Was out the other night with it. All girl Catholic boarding school just down the road. Have to say the 3X magnification on the lens...just stunning, stunning. Perfect for best balance between light-gathering ability and field of view. Paid out a little extra for the IR illuminator and the camera adapter.
Battery life, 15 hours. More than enough time to go in and come out. You should know, I see you have your own NVG kit. Along with a 12 channel UHF receiver and various transmitters. Where did you get the ultra slim voice activated room bug from by the way? Lovely build on that. You been busy doing some surveillance of your own then? Let me guess. That same Catholic school? Don't worry, it will be our little secret.
Enough about technology. Let me take a moment to breathe in the surrounding odours that have me transfixed. Yes, yes. I can smell you Daniel. I can smell the smell of a true mans man.
It's been some time since I've sat in this room. In your home. Been a very long time. Although the view from underneath the dining table is hardly my choice of comfort. Work before pleasure. Hence the camouflage, face paint and hiding place. Reconnaissance means sacrificing one or two pleasantries, like treating myself to your biscuit cabinet. You still digging the Custard Creams? I bought my own food supplies this time. Wasabi peas. Keeps me on edge, alert. Takes me back to the Gulf. Actually no, wasn't a gulf. More of a bay. In Cornwall, near Newquay I think. Lovely little restaurant. I ran away without paying the bill. The adrenaline, man, was something else. The peas, they work like a flashback mechanism. Triggers the edge, the alertness. It's the difference between sitting here in ninja silence and tripping a security alarm.
In fact, the more I think, it's been an absolute age since I last found myself spending several days a week completing community service due to my prior...let's just call them indiscretions. Or 'home invasions' as CID exaggerated. No longer does the 100 metre restraining order matter, long since ceased. If I get caught I'm hoping the judge will not dismiss my recent good behaviour out of hand. Everyone is susceptible to a relapse. I can just blame it on forgetting to take my medication.
I've been a model citizen. You'll have probably noticed, I no longer stand around the West Stand entrance holding a bucket of p*ss. I'm a reformed character. Although I remain completely committed to making sure you do an acceptable job for us, the fans. Which is why I'm here.
It's my duty to make some noise. Metaphorically speaking. Would not want to wake up your wife. By the way, if the dog is still sound asleep in the morning when you get out of bed, don't fret. The sedatives are extra strong, for that extra reassurance. No long lasting damage. Other than perhaps a day or two of incontinence.
I've already found what I was looking for, along with one or two other minor surprises.
Here's a tip for you. Free of charge. Don't stash your porn behind books in your study. If I found them then it's only a matter of time before your missus does. Also, 'Confessions from the David Galaxy Affair' and 'The Playbirds'...really? This stuff is softer than a Care Bear drowning in feathers. I'll hook you up with some Tori Black sometime. You do p2p?
Talking of porn, your laptop was easy to login to. Security is a joke. Password: Stratford4eva. So textbooky Levy that. Your screensaver is an even bigger joke. Although as far as photo-shopped nudes go, it makes Karren look very, dare I say, sexy? Granted, it's Karren Brady's face on Natalie Portman's body, but hey...whatever turns you on.
I also see (from your internet browser cache) you still flirt with the message boards. Look, some more free advice for you. If you wish to go incognito online you need to be a little more subtle. People will put 2 and 2 together, you'll leaving far too many obvious stand-out clues. Firstly your user-name on Spurs Community. Blatantly blatantly obvious to the more inquisitive user.
Allow me to show you the math.
What music plays before the team runs out: Duel of the Fates from Star Wars Episode 1.
What's our home: White Hart Lane.
2+2 = Phantom (as in, Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace) of the Lane.
Where's the imagination Daniel?
You are winding up people who spend hundreds on a season ticket yearly. Which by the way is stupendously hard to burn in protest. You do know it just melts away right? You can hardly start a bonfire like the old paper booklets. I had to claim it lost when I was informed that you're meant to keep it for the following season. The irony of having to hand over money because of a protest against season ticket price increases to get a replacement card burnt in protest of season ticket price hikes...it kills me, kills me.
What else can I see? World of Warcraft installation. Lady GaGa mp3's (illegally downloaded) and a Facebook friend request to Carlo Ancelotti.
Word of advice. Again.
You should also look to encrypt your word documents. I just read the Luka Modric related club announcements you've drafted. Very clever. You've done this on purpose haven't you? In fact, it's the reason why you've not encrypted your documents. Trying to f**k with my mind, Daniel?
Statement one: An apology and explanation why the offer from Chelsea was too good to turn down and in the long term best for the club to sell a player who no longer wanted to be part of the team. Complaint lodged with FA. Undisclosed donation accepted to the Tottenham Foundation.
Statement two: An apology and explanation why the offer from Manchester United was too good to turn down and in the long term best for the club to sell a player who no longer wanted to be part of the team. Complaint lodged with FA. Undisclosed donation accepted to the Tottenham Foundation.
I've helped you out here. Both beautifully crafted, but I've deleted the first statement. Let's not go ruin the relationship with our parent club. Also, just to let you know, he wont be any good for us or anyone else chained up like that. Kudos for the basement prison and I know the little Croatian is gaunt and petite looking at the best of times but I made him a cheese and pickle sandwich. He needs to regain strength in time for pre-season. He called me 'mother' so I think he might also be hallucinating, so I left him with a couple of bottles of water. At least have him chained up in the back yard or somewhere with a window.
Then there's the small matter of...Christ, there it goes again. That snoring, it's relentless. Damn it, lost my train of thought. Best I leave my base under your dining table and return to the living room. Do I need to leave an anonymous phone message with the Daily Mail about this? I can see the headline now.
MEXICAN IMMIGRANT FOUND SLEEPING ON PREMIER LEAGUE CHAIRMAN'S LIVING ROOM SOFA.
He's in his boxer shorts. Let me revise that headline.
MEXICAN SEX SLAVE IMMIGRANT FOUND SLEEPING ON PREMIER LEAGUE CHAIRMAN'S LIVING ROOM SOFA.
What's the deal with this guy any ways? Pedroza Witham? Really? Is this the best you can do?
Let me give you a heads up. Football Manager 2011. It's like Damien Comolli but without the smug glasses. Actually, Comolli is more like a ten year old with Google and You Tube access. My point is...Pedroza Witham? Really? Did the scouts misspell Wickham? Mexico and Ipswich. Guess there's not that much of a difference. Just ask Gio.
Bless Pedroza, he's now talking in his sleep. 'Gooooala, Goooola'. At least he's scoring somewhere. I've checked Wikipedia and his stats belong on a t-shirt. 12 games. No goals.
Oh look, the sunrise, my cue to leave. Daylight is creeping into the room. And I now need to creep out. Not quite had enough time to rummage through your laundry basket. Souvenirs can wait for my next visit. Although I'm liking the calendar in the kitchen. Never guessed you were a Glee man. Felt-tip circled around the 31st August, 11:45pm. You got something planned for that day?
By the way. Love the new carpet. Never red, hey?