The North London Derby - presented in Technicolor
Ninety minutes. One interval. A couple of award winners in amongst the supporting cast.
Key strengths and weaknesses of the story arc?
Easy on the eye attacking bum off seats football. Lack of clinicality up front, sometimes because of the lack of chances created however mostly because there's too much of the tippy tappy and not enough of the smacking into the net ruthlessness. Dodgy keeper too. Defence can sometimes find itself all at sea, prone to lapses of concentration, what with key players usually missing from the back four. Midfield is tasty. Although if you listen to some, elements of it are over-rated. Choke? Yes. On occasions can throw it all the way.
One thing is for certain, the gaffer is much maligned. Splitting fans either side of the fence, even with moderate on the field success if not of the sustained silverware variant. The type that matters to most.
So in conclusion, deficiencies in amongst the quality. It's obvious what's wrong but patience is a commodity with a supply and demand problem with many despondent that fundamental errors occur without correction, always drowned out by familiar sound-bites. Nutty.
I'm obviously talking about Arsenal here. Actually no it's Tottenham, I've just described Spurs.
We don't choke any more, what with them appearing to have taken that indignity off our hands. Then again, we have choked a couple of times this season with some notably under-performing, home and away, dropping valuable points. We're hardly tippy tappy, more swagger and swashbuckle. When we're not hoofing it up for the knock-down.
Arguably where it matters most, both sides are masters of making it an art form in how to almost score a goal at pivotal moments.
We only have the one dodgy keeper not a collection of them like they do. That's probably open for debate what with our second keeper being as erratic as our first choice and having never seen our third I dare not comment.
The good, the bad and the ugly amply shared between the two divided parts of north London.
The only discussion point beyond argument is colour. We play in white, they play in red.
United in our hatred for each other. Binding us like brothers (I guess from different mothers) fighting endlessly over a piece of land that both seek to claim as their own. The story is rich in history. Always entertaining, always captivating. Never boring.
And if we - Tottenham and Arsenal - decide to turn up this evening and bring us some ding-dong blood and thunder tenacity and desire we might just be in for a treat.
Both teams on the brink. Arsenal dreaming of mathematical possibilities having remained anchored all season long when countless times others cited a sunken ship. Spurs once more reaching out to claim back something made theirs last time out by sheer determination and unity that they once more hope to discover, even with a fixture list uncanny in it's form. A throw-back to the aforementioned last time.
Down to the wire, it's all in the game.
So what of it then? Whether you are white or red. What does your heart sing? What does your head quickly whisper?
I will be bitterly disappointed if we don't take the game to our visiting neighbours. Really want us to embrace the 'best team wins' mantra. In fact I want to see both sides go for each others jugular, with Jurassic drive and juggernaut effort.
We're at home. And we have to win. So says me, so says any of you lot in red too.
Last time out at the Emirates, we did some of that grand olde choking, freezing up in the first forty-five to find ourselves focused and spirited in the second half and thus pass the baton of bereavement over to our arch rivals who held it firmly to their bosom then proceeded to do some choking of their own.
Last time out at the Lane, it was win or die for their title hopes and plausibly win or die for our Champions League dream. For all their possession play they lacked any type of forceful damaging punch. In fact, we happily took their body blows before dishing out a couple of haymakers to knock'em flat out. A wonderful exercise in containment and counter aided by a sensational schoolboys own stuff strike and some heart-stopping keeping with a dab of luck-riding making a cameo for good measure.
Rather than be reactive to the occasion, I'm asking for Tottenham to be proactive this time round.
Pick up the pen and write the script from the start, rather than taking the responsibility of completing it after the initial author has become disillusioned with writers block and can't think of a definitive ending. Although you and I (being the ones who frequent N17 every other week) wouldn't complain much if that happened again. Considering we are rather good at satisfying all but a select group with a traditional satisfactory 'where on earth did that just come from?' twist, leaving us dizzy and giddy.
Box office smash please. Make me throw my popcorn up in the air and cough up my Coca-Cola. I want to see men in Lilywhite man-hugging and gesturing ecstatically to the camera as the credits roll, with the men in red despondent and dejected.
Two NLD league wins in one season? I'll take the drama not the fantasy.
Thoughts will then turn to the second and third parts of the trilogy. One filmed on location at Stamford Bridge. The other on location in Eastlands. May we be the ones taking the plaudits, the critical acclaim and another ceremonious bow and ice bucket at the finale.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet. Let's wait and see how encouraging the write-ups are for the first part.
The North London Derby. Might contain scenes of an adult nature.
I wouldn't even complain if it went straight to DVD.