The Five Stages


It's not two points dropped - it's a point gained at Fortress St Andrews. Chelsea got nothing there. We've got players out injured, about sixty to seventy players. We're decimated. Our defence is beyond the realms of depletion. We've got a sixth choice centre-back in there ffs people! And JD is a bit rusty what with only just returning from injury. But it's still all good. We got a point there last season too, didn't we? It's a good result. And don’t fret, Defoe will regain his sharpness soon, he's three to four games away from being fully fit. Just needs a couple more appearances on the Xtra Factor and he'll be tip top. He'll be able to beat the offside trap blindfolded, I promise you. There’s nothing wrong with our strike-force. It will come good soon. They got lucky, should have been three or four to us. Mark my words. Everything is just fine. It's dandy.


Mary mother of Christ, why? Why damn it, why? What's the point in beating Arsenal and Liverpool and then not following it up with another win? Can we not just hold out in the final ten minutes of a game? Its ten minutes. That's ten minutes of pulling it and holding it together without collapsing. Ten minutes, it’s not exactly the length of time it took Benjamin Button to regress from an old man back into a baby. And yet we manage to turn from giants into mice the moment the clock ticks over the 80th minute mark.

Same old Tottenham. Why didn’t Harry instruct his players correctly from the dugout? What the hell does he get paid to do? All he has to do is change it, you know, do something. Formations or something clever. Or a sub or two but not a substitution that fails to make us win. The sub has to work. And if it does works then, granted, it won't be down to him, just luck, but at least the result will be in our favour.

Ten minutes left and they equalise. It's gotta be Harry and his non-existent tactics. All his previous victories against Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and City? Flukes. The lot of them. Flukes. He doesn't have a clue. Winging it. That's what he's doing. I could do his job. Sit on the bench, twitch a bit. Send a Russian on. Easy.

And Crouch, what is the point of Crouch exactly? We might as well play a ladder up front, it would probably give away fewer free kicks and is undoubtedly a better dancer. Can't head the ball, the ladder, so no difference there.

Why can't we just stick our chances away like other top top sides do? Harry really doesn't have a clue with how to make our forwards move about the pitch aptly and kick the ball in the net. Useless.


Please tell me it's going to be fine? I promise to wash my lucky 1981 circa y-fronts  for the first time if we can just win two or three on the bounce. That's all I want. Just another run of games, three points a time. I promise I won't slate Jenas or Wilson or Crouchie. And no more accidental collisions with Chirpy when he's out shopping for the weekend in Tesco's. Unless he stares at me because then he's asking for a punch in his big fat stupid head. Or the back of his head when he's not looking, depends where I'm positioned to be honest. And if his wife, the skanky chicken, happens to get in the way. Self-defence your honour, self defence.

I'll sing my heart out unequivocally just for some sustained consistency and end product. We just need a defensive midfielder in there to compensate for the determent of our creative players always pushing up and the inability of our forwards to retain possession in the final third. Wasteful of the ball in areas of intent. Which results with the likelihood of dropped points because we allow the opposition a chance to claw it back. It’s cheap.

One goal is never enough, right? Or is it? No, it is. I reckon it is. If we don’t ship any in the opposite direction.




What's the point? I can't handle this. I can't handle the expectancy and the pressure of needing us to win every game. It's just too much weight for me to carry on my shoulders. City have too much money, we can't compete, we just can't compete. In the long run we're going to lose out, so what's the bleeding point of it all if it's going to end in tears? We're gonna be crippled by the new stadium any  ways.

And Bale. Christ, we're going to sell Bale, I can feel it in my bones. Levy wants the money for his transfer kitty when we move to Stratford. Oh God no, not Stratford. I can't handle this, I don’t want to handle any of it. Just want peaceful tranquillity. This is just too much. We didn't even get a club shop dvd of the 3-2 win at the swamp. The Arsenal fans were right, it doesn't count. It doesn't count! Should have been a dvd! Ah damn you! God damn you all to hell!

And St Andrews. 1-1, when it should have been 1-0. I'd rather not experience this ilk of low. I wish we were mid-table going nowhere again. That type of hurt, it's hurt I can live with. Its gentle hurt, not losing three on the trot is 'good form' type of hurt. We're rubbish but its okay we're rubbish. Like West Ham. That type of disappointment, that type of expected disappointment, it's easier to cope with.

One clean sheet in twenty-two. One clean sheet in twenty-two. How's this title winning form? We might not be bottom but we should be. This is an unmitigated disaster. I'm taking the toaster to the bathroom. Oh Christ, I forgot to pay the electricity bill. I hate you Tottenham.


It's going to be fine. We've been here before haven't we? We drew, it's not like we lost. We drew up at Everton last season, that was a far worst result but it didn't matter in the end. We learnt from it. We've got a patched up defence coming off one of the best weeks in our recent history, qualifying for the Champions League with a game to spare. Not much Harry could have done tactically. Gone more defensive? Killed the game off? Perhaps. But if the Brummies had scored after a tactical change by the gaffer he'd have been slated for not being positive enough had he gone defensive. If Pav had knocked one in we'd all be laughing now. Mistakes, individual mistakes are hardly the fault of the manager. Need to be clinical up top. Then manager will be deemed a genius.

Dropped points might catch up with you by the end of the season but then again it probably won't when others are dropping points but I guess had we picked up points when we needed to we could have placed down a marker and pushed onwards because if we win and others don't then we've got an advantage but it's hardly as convincing as when we drop points and they win. When that happens we're in masses of trouble. So what will be will be. We'll end up where we deserve to end up. Much like last season.

5th spot currently. Six points off the top. Three points off the Champions League places. Yes, yes, all good. 1-1 draw with Birmingham just another reminder of what needs to be fixed if we're going to progress to the next level:

Clean sheets. Defence needs to be consistent. Midfield bossing the tempo and dictating play - i.e. shut up shop, kill the game off with controlled possession. Do not invite the opposition to come a knocking on the door. Forwards holding up the ball intelligently and finishing off chances, clinically.

Easy. Jot it down on a clipboard.

Next up, Chelsea. It's up to Harry to navigate us through the game to victory using Cerebro-amplified powers to man-manage our players minds and feet and result with the Prem League offering us four points for the win.

Patience, it's the key. Missing players returning, the January window opening. I can wait. Patience. I promise I've got patience in abundance. We're not doing all that shabby all things considering. I can wait. Just a bit longer. We're almost there. I'm in the departure lounge. Just waiting for the delayed outgoing flight to be scheduled for boarding. Got my ticket. Not long now, not long. One way ticket to the that bit of land just beyond the promised land.

It’s going to be fine.

Faith. Keeping it.