The Four Horsemen of the Spurcalypse
Conference room 23...
Pestilence - It's going well, isn't it?
War - Yes. I've got the fickle ones booing already.
Famine - That's down to me that is. You lot are always trying to get credit for something I've done.
War - We're working together are we not? There's no 'I' in team.
Death - Now now children. We need to remain focused. The end is not quite in sight. Still a long way to go. We need to start pushing the envelope out. Together.
War - Can we get this meeting started. I've got a personal trainer session booked in for one.
Pestilence - Who's doing the minutes?
War - Not me, I did them last time.
Famine - Well don't look at me, I bought the Jaffa Cakes.
Death - I've got the agenda, so I'll do the minutes this week. First up, the problems at the back. Pestilence, everything on course I see.
Pestilence - Yes, we are seeing the effects of the foundations laid out early season. Inconsistent and patched up from one week to the next. Moments of lapses proving costly.
War - Woodgate still out?
Pestilence - Of course he is. When I do a job I do it right.
War - Shame you can't quite close the deal on King.
Pestilence - Does he play every week? No. So I'd say that's job done there too.
Famine - What about Gallas and Kaboul?
Pestilence - You like that combo, don't you?
War - It's clever. Outsourcing with the Gallas free transfer as part of the hired guns initiative. Sensational piece of work I have to admit.
Death - And the other areas of criticality?
Pestilence - Well, defence is erratic as discussed. I've also closed off the forward positions on the roadmap. Working on the midfield now. You'll have noted the work I've done on downsizing Gareth Bale by removing Lennon from the equation thus having him doubled up and frozen out of games.
War - Top bombing.
Death - Splendid, love how you've maximising our core competencies.
Famine - Hold up, you closed off the forward positions? Are you kidding me? The forward positions are closed because of the ongoing work I'm responsible for.
Pestilence - If It wasn't for me you'd have nothing to work on.
Famine - That's a fallacy. I've got to handle both the Crouch account and that Russian assignment.
Pestilence - Boo hoo, project manager of the year in da house, everyone give him a standing ovation, we've just found Alan Sugars new apprentice.
Famine - Now hold on a second…
Death - Focus people, please focus.
Pestilence - Yes, focus, is what I give one hundred percent of the time and the result is one of utmost quality. No Defoe and no summer striker signing. Resulting in dimensional hoofing of the ball.
Famine - Defoe, actually, is almost back.
Pestilence - Yes, almost being the key word. And you'll find I've left him with his offside deficiency and timed his comeback for the away game at the Emirates.
War - Is that a guesstimate?
Pestilence - No, no. Should be available for the NLD.
War - Coolio. Demoralised on his comeback. I like that.
Famine - What about Spurs being linked to Forlan.
Pestilence - Who has hardly scored since the World Cup. That's also my work.
Famine - And Suarez?
Pestilence - He plays in the Dutch league. I rest my case.
War - Thinking outside the box, love it.
Pestilence - Thanks. Multi-tasking, is what I do. Gotta make sure every angle is covered.
Death - Thanks Pestilence. Famine an update please.
Famine - Hardly any goals scored from the front-line, only two home wins in six because of the lack of said ball in back of net. Away form equally stagnated.
Death - And what work have you achieved to complete this?
Famine - Work?
Death - Yes, how have you gone about in terms of progressing development and implementation?
Famine - The strikers?
Death - Yes.
Famine - Well it's Crouch and Pav.
Death - Okay. And?
Famine - I haven't bothered doing anything.
War - Genius.
Death - Laugh out loud.
Pestilence - You've done nothing? That's classic. And you still want the credit?
Famine - Yes, I've done nothing. And yet by doing nothing, I've achieved my goal. Hence, credit all mine. Why is this so difficult to fathom? Have you even seen the two of them play?
War - Good point that.
Pestilence - Crouch scores goals.
Famine - In Europe. That isn't our department, that's the work of those God boy geeks on floor nine. And if he does happen to score in the league or assist its because of all that hoofing of the ball you keep implementing.
Pestilence - What do you expect me to do? Keep it on the floor? Hoofing is far more detrimental to...
Death - Okay, okay, let's not get side tracked. Excellent update Famine. And War?
War - Got a couple of players moaning due to lack of games. Agent Gallas is causing a few arguments within the fan base thanks to his uninspiring performances and the anti-Harry brigade is growing stronger by the day, especially in the Blogosphere and online forums. And let's not forget the booing. Got banners planned for future games. How does 'We want our Tottenham back' sound?
Death - I like it.
Famine - Anti-Harry brigade on the internet? Yeah, cause people really pay attention to all those loopy online communities and bloggers.
War - Also Redknapp slagging off the fans in a post-match interview saying they do not appreciate what they have. I know, I know, I got a little carried away, a little self-indulgent with the touch of sarcasm but, what the hell, why not, hey?
Death - Excellent, excellent. Signature work. I thought it was marvellous. Okay, my turn now. I can confirm that on current form we are on course for death of CL qualification via top four placement for next season. Launch date…sorry, death date at the moment is pencilled in for late January. But its just a provisional date and tbh I'd prefer to see us achieve this just after Christmas. We need more in terms of fragmentation of opinion and below par performances so can we perhaps see more granularity in planning? I'm also thinking we need more of Bentley. Thoughts?
Pestilence - I can try my best with Bentley.
Death - Anyone care to conceptualise?
Famine - Get a skip onto the pitch. Or have a Sky Sports News reporter with a mic on the touchline, Bentley might start star jumping mid game.
War - That's not a bad idea, but to be honest, is there any point? He can't go past a man. He can't even ever go around a lamp post.
Death - Perfect then.
Pestilence - I worry that by introducing more of Bentley we are cannibalizing other squad players.
Death - Let's review again next week. What you need to concentrate on is weakening the strong elements of the midfield. Want to see a PowerPoint next meeting covering off how we can do so. I want the midfield disjointed like the defence and forward positions. The Webb formula in the last Excel document worked a treat by the way.
War - Nice touch with the Cattermole filter.
Pestilence - Cheers mate.
Death - Defence and forward positions are struggling as planned, however we need to run a report on our next likely target.
Famine - Wilson Palacios?
Pestilence - He's already been ticked off from the check-list.
Famine - Jenas?
Death - What does Jenas do exactly?
Death - <still laughing> Let's leave the fifth horseman out of this.
Pestilence - Anyone know if he's due to return anytime soon?
Death - Not sure. It's his decision to do contract work. Good money in contracting. So, any ways, next likely target?
War - van der Vaart surely?
Death - That's achievable. It's almost Christmas, can we have him tapped up perhaps? And more 'he's the best left-winger in the world' hype for Bale, the more he gets the bigger the weight on his shoulder and the bigger the impact on his level of performance. It's what now? Four league games without a win? Just over twenty games to go before we exceed the previous hoodoo tally.
Famine - Well if someone wasn't slack with the hoodoo the first time round we wouldn't have the problem we currently have with Bale and he'd be out on loan at Forest rotting away.
Pestilence - Stop blamestorming. The calendar reminder in Outlook didn't work okay? I apologised at the time, wasn't that enough for you?
Famine - Slack.
Pestilence - Slack? I'll tell you what's slack - you. Famine? If it was a famine then van der Vaart wouldn't be scoring goals every time he plays at the Lane.
Famine - He used his arm. It was handball ffs. What am I meant to do with those types of variables? Can you not give him leprosy or something?
Pestilence - Excuses, excuses.
War - Probably my fault that, what with the O.C.W.S.S.B.A.W.
Death - The what?
War - The Ongoing Conspiracy Work Stack Supported By Clattenberg And Webb. Bit of a cross-over what with ignoring handball incidents.
Death - Of course, I knew that. Okay, great work team. I'm holding another conference call this afternoon to talk about the agenda for tomorrows conference call that covers off the workshop on Friday where we discuss how best to discuss work loads in conference calls.
Famine - Anyone want a Jaffa Cake?