Craig Bellamy? I'd rather we sign David Bellamy

How are you feeling? I'm feeling parched. In fact I'm worse than that. I'm dehydrated, lips dry and cracked and gasping for a drop of water. The vast sandy plains of the desert is a never-ending landscape of nothingness. Unbearable heat, sun burning the skin raw, one mirage after another after another playing constant tricks on my eyes.

And when I finally see something in the distance, and I sense in my heart of hearts it's not a mirage and I crawl towards it praying I get there before I black out…I reach for it hoping and praying it’s the miracle I've been waiting for but all I find in my hands is a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. An ironic sick joke and as helpful to a man dying of thirst as a saxophone is to an astronaut walking on the surface of the moon.

Welcome to this seasons summer transfer window.

Today is Wednesday. Nothing has happened. Yesterday was Tuesday, nothing happened. And tomorrow (Thursday) is also scheduled for nothing.

Such is the desperation that even the rumours and the ITK gossip is as dry as a grain of sand in the Sahara. We see Zokora going to Sevilla, but then it's off…but it could be on again. Who knows? Bent is over-priced and nobody appears to be interested. Apart from Sunderland who might want him if the price is right, but Harry might want Jones so nothing might happen here. Or maybe it will because Crouch is being linked to a move to the Stadium of Light. But he's also being linked with us, but only as a back-up option. Meaning someone has to be our main target. But if we had a main target, we'd surely know who it is. No? Answers on a postcard.

Bentley was going to Villa and we were signing Young. This was then followed by the Spurs invasion of Madrid to pick-up the Dutch players pushed aside by the return of the Galacticos. Alas, the mind is playing cruel tricks again. It was just an hallucination. Here's hoping that the Pennant rumour is also a full blown mirage too. What next? A cheeky bid for Rohan Ricketts? The return of the Ginger Pele?

Pav is linked with a different club every week. Either his agent is desperately trying to orchestrate a move for him or we are trying desperately to orchestrate a move for him. Or the tabloids are trying desperatley to orchestrate a story. Nobody is interested. Much like nobody is interested in Boateng, but then who would be if we are trying to claim back what we paid for him in the first place. If Levy is being this shrewd we might never sell him. Or Gio for that matter, who has no future at the club. Harry doesn't fancy him. He fancies a bit of Adel, but the young midfield maestro fancies us as much as I fancy Courtney Love to eat a plate of steak and chips.

O'Hara to Fulham? Swap Jamie for Tom Huddlestone and you've got the same rumour for two different players and every other week just mix it up by changing the story from 'we don't wont to sell' to 'they won't pay what we want'.

Bale to go? No chance. Wouldn't even loan him out. Considering how many players we are meant to be selling, we won't have a squad left considering we are not yet opening the floodgates for incoming signings. Gunter on the other hand may well be surplus to requirements. If he's not, he'll definitely be out on loan because we have more players for the right-back position than Leyton has Polish residents.

Talking of right-backs, if Harry manages to re-locate Pascal Chimbonda - expect him to be sold on for a loss and signed back at Christmas. Apparently he's been sighted in Goa, but it's being suggested it's just a look-a-like.

And as for players we want to sign. With the Dutch lads at Madrid all 'dead in the water' (not literally, that would be murder) we have to persist with stories about how we are once more back in for the Welsh injury-prone version of Robbie Keane, Craig Bellamy.

Craig Bellamy? I'd rather we sign David Bellamy.

Heat stroke has kicked in and the desert mocks me further with a mirage of Comolli drinking Evian.

There's no coming back from this, unless the sky clouds over, dark and brooding, and a thunderous roar leads to relentless rain drowning me in hope.

Will I be saved? Nobody knows. At the moment I have to make do with crawling my way from one false hope to the next, as I progress to the next stage of delirium, heading towards ireversable insanity.

Hold up...I see a miracle...A MIRACLE! ENGLAND ARE THRASHING THE AUSSIES AT THE CRICKET! It's not a Spurs transfer deal, but it will do.

I'm finally at peace.