5 Reasons why we should sign Patrick Vieira

1) He possesses a wealth of experience and has a winning mentality.

2) It will murk the Arsenal fans to see an ex-player wearing our Lilywhite.

3) He will have a Davids effect, which will aid the squad on and off the pitch.

4) Has great technique and leadership skills.

5) Bargain signing for free.

That didn't feel quite right. Need to clear my head. Stick my finger down my throat.

Ok. Let's try this again.

5 Reasons why we should never sign Patrick Vieira

1) He's old. 5 years past his prime and discarded by them lot over there years back because Wenger knew the player was in decline. Has shown little in recent seasons to suggest he can have any kind of impact back in England. The fact he has won silverware and has done it whilst festering in the swamps of Highbury only tells me that his personal ambitions can not exactly be sitting high up in his list of priorities, let alone the ones Spurs have as a club looking to step up. And forgive me for being a traditionalist, but I'd much prefer a squad without him than one with him in it with the winning (dirty, cheating) mentality of an ex-gooner who got mentally battered by Roy Keane.

2) Signing an ex-Arsenal player who has struggled with injuries in the slow-paced Italian league and hardly played a full season for years will not murk a single gooner off as far as the rivalry with us is concerned. Sure, they would be angry to see one of their own - unquestionably a legend for them and a player that epitomises everything about their club (cheat, scum, insufferable personality) - wear our colours, but it will simply incite laughter to see us turn to a has-been as some form of inspiration to help us move forward. This is not like bringing Bentley or O'Hara to the Lane. Vieira is an ex-Arsenal captain and it's not like he's fucking them over and joining us in his prime now, is he?

3) The Davids effect? What, you mean piss off team-mates and get into punch-ups with younger players? Davids did some good at the club, but it's a fallacy to believe he was solely responsible in the way of a major uplift of form for the side. Watching videos of Dave Mackay would be more uplifting than having a player that has not a single quark of Tottenham in him pretend he cares about the success of the teams progress. Want to aid the team off and on the pitch? Sign a CM who is 24-27 years of age and can play as back-up to Palacios who will no doubt serve a ban or two for yellow cards during the season, which will leave us with a massive hole in central midfield if we don't have a proper understudy on the bench.

4) Great technique is something he possessed 5-6 years ago when playing in the fast paced Premier League. And you can still have great technique half a decade on and it can even make make you look good when you're playing in Serie A where you have plenty of time to light up a cigar and Twitter about the step-over you're about to do. Bring it back to the 1000mph hellmouth that is the EPL and you'll find yourself in a little spot of bother. A bit like Mr Magoo walking down a street in Pamplona during the Running of the Bulls festival. As for leadership skills, sure, he can lead himself downwards to the ground allowing gravity to embrace his falling body and hug the grass as he claims for a foul when one was not committed. Although I expect his ancient legs will give way to injury and be the main catalyst for further adventures on the turfs of England. Great leadership skills there. It's the missing link in our quest for turning us into contenders.

5) If you want something for free, then wait for the start of the season when no doubt we'll be treated to more raffle prizes at half-time when the club give away yet another Opus. £5M - £10M will get us a younger, hungrier battling midfielder with his whole career in front of him rather than behind him. The transfer market might be an over-bloated joke at the moment with any target we'd love being snapped up by the likes of City, but please let's not pretend there are no options out there. Christ, I'm almost missing Comolli. There, I said it out loud. He might have ballsed it up around 90% of the time with some of his inflated over-rated signings but at least he…actually, who am I kidding? He was crap. And I don't miss him. Even though someone without sight could have scouted Wilson Palacios as a must-have for the Spurs midfield I'm sure there are other players - in England and abroad - we can take a gamble on. We have scouts, right? We have You Tube, right?

Levy, Harry…don't force me into burning bagels outside the ground again. The hypocrisy hurts.

Never red. COYS.