Hello. My name is Arsene. You may know me from such incidents as Pizzagate and my exercise video 'Squat Yourself to Size Zero'.
Welcome to my guide to losing graciously. Let's begin.
If, for example, one of your players is several feet away and spits in the face of another player, simply close your eyes or look away and if questioned later for your opinion state that your eyes were closed during the whole duration of the alleged incident and you could not possibly comment on something that you did not see, especially as the likelihood of it actually having occurred is unlikely because you did not see it.
If you lose 5-1 away in a cup tie or 4-1 at home in the league, do not admit you have been outplayed or outperformed. Because that is simply not the case. My team never loses because they are second best. We lose when the opposition manipulate circumstance and luck which results in a fluke outcome that does not equate to the balance of the game. State that it was never (for example) a 4-1 game and that had the opposition not scored the four goals then the result would have gone in your favour.
The game is not about putting the ball in the net but about how many opportunities you carve out in a game. If the opposition have two or three chances and score them and we have eight or nine clear cut chances but fail to convert, then the opposition has not won because they were the better team. They won because we nearly scored eight goals.
It's important to understand that if you lose its is because the team or an individual made a mistake and had the mistake not been made then a victory would have been accomplished in our favour. Remember, you are only ever defeated by one's own self.
If we win games with our academy and youth players it is amazing and proof we have the best young players in Europe. They are the best as long as they are playing Championship sides at home or reserve teams. If we play a first team and get beaten, this does not matter. If we play a first team and win, then do not act surprised. Remember, we have amazing young players who have gone on to do fantastic things at other clubs.
I do not understand this. Is this a cockney slang rhyme?
Young first team
Always make sure the average age of the first team is around twenty-two or twenty-three years. Their time will come with experience. The past four years we have played with this philosophy and we are now three-quarters of a percent away from dominating the league. There is no need to buy an experienced holding midfielder or a centre-back. Simply rotate the kids from one year to the next making sure the average age is always in the early twenties and when they turn twenty-four or twenty-five, replace them with younger players. Continue this rotation system and the percentage will continue to drop.
Accuse other teams of diving and cheating but what if your own player is guilty of it? Ha! Trick question. Your own players are never ever guilty of it.
Losing to lesser sides
If the unthinkable occurs and you lose away to a side like Sheffield United then this has only happened because they have refused to play football and have instead used physicality to bully and foul their way through the game not allowing us time on the ball and not allowing us to play our natural game so we can score at will.
When something happens that is not meant to happen, place your head in the palms of your hand. An additional squat aids to illustrate the injustice.
NEXT WEEK: Arsene reveals his perfect recipe for lasagna.