A Guide to Knee-jerking
Hello. Welcome to my Guide to Knee-Jerking, presented by my good self, Gareth Bale. As you know I play left-back and sometimes cameo in the left midfield position. I have beautiful hair, conditioned and shampooed every day and a cheeky Welsh smile as wide as the valleys back home. There's been plenty of confusion recently with regards to the form of my team, Tottenham, and our progress as we mount a Top 4 challenge, so to help you along, here's something I prepared so you can avoid confusion at the final whistle of games and be cool with your mates and impress them with your unbiased and insightful opinions on Spurs. Enjoy.
If we win well, then it’s a sure sign of certain progression and the 90 minutes in question stands as a true testament of our season ahead.
Lose, and the same logic applies in reverse, deeming us simply not good enough. Feel free to jump from one bandwagon to the next on a fortnightly basis dismissing your prior standpoint.
It's perfectly fine for a player to sit at the top of the goal-scoring charts and be worshipped with much acclaim after a 5 goal haul, but remember - if he misses a few chances or perhaps even a penalty, it's unquestionable evidence that he's over-rated and one dimensional. I mean come on, five against Wigan? If we had Rasiak up front in that game, even he would have scored. Probably. Might have. Okay, maybe Rasiak isn't the best example there. Nico Claesen would have bagged six.
Substitutions made by Harry Redknapp should only be cited if:
A) He doesn't make any substitutions, which is proof he has not got a clue how to change a game
B) He makes a sub and nothing in the game changes (meaning he made the wrong sub)
C) He makes a sub, but in hindsight, not at the right moment in the game, meaning he made the wrong sub
D) He makes a sub and we still lose, meaning he's responsible for the defeat
E) He makes a sub and that sub has a positive impact - the player gets the credit
If Robbie Keane plays but doesn't score it's because he was otherwise engaged with all the hard work and running into deep positions to aid the teams structure with connecting the midfield with the attack and if he did not do this under-rated work, the side would not function properly. This is bollocks. Do not be fooled by this blatant propaganda. Running up and down the pitch doesn't constitute productive play. If he does not score, he has done nothing to warrant his place in the side. If he scores, he didn't mean it. I'm only joking Robbie. Everyone knows he was the one that made Berbatov look good.
If Ledley King has an off-game, it's all the proof you need that he's finished and it's time for him to retire.
Playing scrappy, with various players lacking decent form, but still managing to scrap a fortunate win is the true sign of resilience and mental strength.
Playing scrappy, with various players lacking decent form, but unluckily failing to scrap a fortunate win is the true sign that we're a team without resilience and mental strength.
Huddlestone. Just have a dig at him so you're not left out of conversations. Make sure you get in the one about the QE2 and turning around slowly and your mates will be buying you drinks for the rest of the night. However, if he's scored one of those blistering volleys, he's top drawer and who needs mobility when you can score from distance, right?
If you're not a fan of his passing, it's because his passing range is nothing more than disguised long hoofing balls forward.
Peter Crouch. It's totally his fault that most of the balls played up to him are high and in the air. He's tall ffs. What does he expect? Ball to feet? God created him like that for a reason, so stop confusing matters with your tidy quick feet Peter and try and head the ball for once rather than give away yet another free-kick.
Rubbish, just rubbish.
Young players. If they don't play well or look out of sorts, get on their back! It's a common misconception, but the more you sigh and groan and slate them, the more chance they have of improving. Look at me. I'm improving all the time, even defeated my jinx recently and it's all because people keep saying that I should go out on loan or be sold to Birmingham.
Top 4 is a possibility but only when we win games, not when we drop points. The more points dropped the less likely we are to make the Champions League. It's obvious, no? However, if the clubs considered our rivals drop points, its because they are suffering a slight dip in their projected form, and that form is evident when they win a single game - proving they have far more than us to sustain a challenge.
Next week: David Bentley goes in search for the dodo, "It's out there. I know it is".