Darren Bartholomew Bent

Loved it when he scored the opener against Man Utd and wheeled away in celebration tapping his badge, which was blatantly wired up to an iPhone allowing him to Morse code a Tweet about his sassy clinical finish. The man is on fire.

No first touch. Can't drop deep. Has to have a big lump foil as a partner up front. Always scores against the 'big teams'. And if he's the main striker - he won't stop scoring full stop. Textbook confidence player? One-dimensional? Yes. But the stats do not lie. Play him and play him to his strengths.

Average footballer, great goal scorer. All he needs is a team that breaks at speed, counters and plays the ball in front of him into space to run into. Substance over style. Be done with all this Harry Redknapp possession football!

We should have built our team around him.