'Get him to wear one of those George Best tight-fitted pink jumpers'

It's Monday and I'm already bored of this week. Once more, the break for Internationals manages to completely kill my buzz. I streamed the England game and managed to miss the penalty (Shev too) and the moment of genius defending from Rio followed by the Green red card. I did see their goal and hardly much of anything else. Juices not flowing much for this one.

The time I have spent on-line has varied from catching up with latest Studs-Up comics (blatant plug) and refreshing News Now every 10 seconds (even though it auto-refreshes all by itself) to see if there was anything worthy to write about. Guess what? Nothing. Not a thing. However today there seems to be one or two new items out there that are being discussed on various websites. I'll save you the bother of having to churn your way through them with this lazy lazy round-up. Hopefully by Wednesday we'll have another bookie hysteria episode with Harry 'set to be sacked' to break up the week and help gently guide us through to Friday where we can then start looking forward to the Pompey game.

Here's the round-up.

Redknapp to have ex-SAS as private guards for the Pompey game

Yeah, because he's going to really really need a crack unit of hardened experienced ex-squaddies to make sure all those rude words don't hurt his delicate little ears. I'm hoping this is simply a cover-story to distract us from the real reason they will be accompanying our coach. Operation: Destroy that annoying melter with the cow-bell.

Swap Deal Exclusive - Pav for Huntelaar

We all know our Roman (via his agent, Hiddink and the press) is once more looking to make a move out of N17 and out of England completely. And with Huntelaar failing to score in around 8 or so games for AC Milan and the fact that the tabloids had as linked with him through-out the summer, the blatantly obvious conclusion would be to add one and one. In this case, it equals a swap deal that both clubs would be happy to agree. Pav, who has shown no reason to be a player worthy of a AC Milan shirt will be happy to risk yet another bedding in period on the bench with KJH leaving Serie A to basically stand (sit) behind Crouch, Defoe and Keane at the mighty Tottenham Hotspur. Nailed on this one. Absolutely nailed on. Honestly, do the math. As a sweetener we should throw in Gareth Bale. Because we don't need any left-sided cover. Cue Downing bid. So what if he just joined Villa. So what if he's still injured. £15M will make it happen.

David James

International break over and a few days off before all the pre-match talk erupts for the weekend games, it's a perfect opportunity for more transfer musical chairs. Let's be logical about this. It's October. Two months and a couple of weeks and the transfer window re-opens, so its only right that David James is linked to us every 2-3 weeks. He got to play on Saturday and obviously every player in contention lusts for a place on the World Cup plane to South Africa which means a cameo here or there isn't enough and playing for Pompey is not exactly the best way to grab Fabio's attention. CC is currently doing a below average job between the sticks for us and Gomes, well, he's not quite 100%. I think. So that means we need a brand new goalkeeper. And not just any old cheap cover. And the fact James plays for one of our feeder clubs, its another unquestionable formula for success. Right? Of course it is. Sign James and when Gomes is fit then we have two players who will want to be number one, which will no doubt result in the Brazilian wanting to move on to pastures new.

Now I know some might argue that James could actually be nothing more than a replacement for CC and that Gomes is likely to be a longer-term number one. But why even bother with it? CC isn't great, but he's 'ok' until The Octopus is fit and ready for a full return to action. Invest in a young goalkeeper who could actually break into the side in the future.

Now if you find yourself bored of reading the James linkage as much as I do, then get ready for the twist. Apparently we have been 'thwarted' after a shock £3M bid for Paul Robinson.


We failed to attract Robbo back to the lane? Obviously the trial of sweets, chocs and other assortments of cup-cakes and ice-cream failed to lure the former 'England's Number One' back to his destiny as the Park Lanes favourite son.

£3M? Honestly? Thwarted? Really? Did Blackburn get Gandalf in to stamp his staff and shout 'You shall not pass' at us?

van Nistelrooy

Linked to us again. If anyone out there is handy at coding, please get in touch if you can think of a way to develop some type of attachment that would allow me to slap football journos in the face via email. I'm not talking about one of those girlie glove style gauntlet slaps. More two steps back and gritted teeth types of slap - right across the face.

dos Santos

Back from injury and wanting to once more prove himself. I say it's time for a fail-safe. Mini-bar at every corner of the ground and free-drinks if he manages to get a shot on target. Or get him to wear one of those George Best tight-fitted pink jumpers so he stands out more and people actually notice him. Because falling out of nightclubs is blatantly not working. Or perhaps send him back to Ipswich. He was good there. In the Championship. We hear about his attempted comebacks every few months, as often in fact as another International wonder-goal from Adel 'we should build our team around him' Taarabt. He's at Q.P.R. currently. In the Championship.

And that's the news that was. Some if it still is. And most of it will be back next month for the sixth time. Possibly seventh. Who's counting?