No, I’m not dead, just not been online too much recently. Currently serving community service, sweeping the streets in and around White Hart Lane. Yes, I did say ‘sweeping’. When I said I wanted to clean up Tottenham, this is not what I had in mind. The Judge didn’t see the ironic side of me launching 125 water-balloons filled with a concoction made up of Virgin Cola, urine and fungus covered cheese. The balloons were meant for Levy’s traditional summer house party. The original plan was to shoot them down when the cloud of balloons sat high above his BBQ and guests. I just didn’t count for the change in weather that blew them off course. I had to shoot them down with my air rifle four miles away. Suffice to say, the nuns were not amused. The Judge called me ‘unoriginal’ and that my antics were akin to a rather tatty adventure from the pages of The Beano. Asked to explain my reasoning around the balloon-attack I stated:
“I wanted to get the point across that even when the sun appears to be shining; a storm is only moments away. This is the way I feel as a supporter of Tottenham Hotspur”
He decided my community service would be best suited in the motherland, sweeping the streets of Tottenham High Road instead of the well-to-do area Levy presides in. I’ve been banned from his borough for 2 months. So no more spying from the bushes. All I’m left with is Internet porn and reading message boards. As for the Nuns. I had to pay for their dry-cleaning and the mess from their courtyard. Very unsavoury moment. Thank God I'm not religious.
Sneijder and Huntelaar are targets. Bent is likely to go to West Ham United. And if it’s for £18M and 100k per week, good luck to him. No sign of Kaboul. He was meant to be signed an age ago. Why do we stuggle to tie up deals and prolong them longer than a bake beans and curry inspired fart. Also, every ‘available’ player is being linked to the same group of around 5 or 6 Premiership clubs. Giuly being one of them. Next please. And yes, the summer is truly here when Torres is linked.
It’s all hot air.
I may turn my attention to the Big Brother house. Might serve as a good alternative now that Levy’s mansion is out of bounds and everything is a little on the quiet side with players on their holidays. Would really like to throw frozen shit pellets at a few of them, the miserable depressive losers. The BB contestants, not the players. Well, apart from Stalteri. Deserves it for his dress sense and the fact he cost us Champions League.
The Welsh One, the Bug-Eyed Never-Smiling Man Hater - both of them need to removed from television forever. And as for that Charley, would rather have Dwight Yorke hit on me than have her going down on me in the cubicles of some nightclub. And by ‘hit’ I don’t mean the smack in the mouth/punch in the face kind, which Dwight did once achieve when I kicked his kebab out of his hands on one late mid-week evening in Manchester. I use to run with anti-meat campaigners back then. Those were dark days.