The original collection of DML letters and rants dating back to pre-blog days: 2004, 2005 and 2006 . The caps lock styled over the top ranting from 2004 was birthed thanks to the knee-jerking taking place in forums relating to Spurs pre-season form. The ranting gradually evolved into short letters that appeared on the Glory Glory message board.


From 2006


Dear Mr Levy,

We are still in the month of  August, and yet you appear to delivery Christmas to me on a silver  plate. Please feel free to try a little harder. Surely I shouldn’t be  complaining about lack of ambition and drive till the actual month of  December. Surely burning my season ticket shouldn’t be an option till we  fail at the very last hurdle like we always do.

Three games  played. One win and two defeats. And with games against Manchester  United and Liverpool on the way, we could be facing the humiliation of a  bottom three placement. Yes, relegation form. What wonderful  consistency and progression. Maybe if you get Martin Jol to mention our  unbeaten pre-season friendly record in his next interview people will  forget how utterly shite we have been thus far in our Premiership  outings. Though Martin should probably concentrate on his work as  manager than talk to the camera. He is currently proving to be as  tactically inept and one dimensional as you are as chairman of this  club.

I won’t talk about the Bolton defeat. Basically because I  don’t want to end up writing the sequel to War and Peace. Yes sure, we  looked majestic against Sheffield United. That’s Sheffield United.  Majestic against Sheffield United. No matter how many times I say it, it  doesn’t make it anymore impressive does it? I don’t think there’s any  positives in discussing that game either.

I want to concentrate  on the home game against Everton. The team who haven’t won at The Lane  since the mid-80’s. Fortress Lane, the home of the Spurs, where only  Chelsea and Man Utd are permitted to take all three points. And what do  we do? We give a performance of gutless and backwards play, resulting in  the ten men of Everton taking all three points and making it look like a  walk in the park.

I don’t quite understand where this  performance came from. Maybe Chirpy invited all his family, and in a  moment of comic genius, they all dressed up as Spurs players and ran  onto the pitch. Next thing you know, they decide to stay out there and  give this football lark a go. Whilst the actually players get dressed  and leave to go out and do whatever it is that people who have about  £40,000 drop into their account at the end of each week do. Play Pro-Evo  apparently.

Let me attempt to be pragmatic here. Much like the  other night when I got stranded on your roof. There I was, with a paint  bucket in one hand and a brush in the other trying to finish off my  pièce de résistance worrying about whether my plan should now change as I  had lost my only route of escape. The ladder had fallen back and there  was no safe way down.

I could have panicked. In fact I could  have scrapped the paint job and tried to slide down the side of your  mansion on that woefully dirty drainpipe. But no. I was there to make a  statement, and damn it, a statement is what I intended to make. While  you danced away in your study listening to Topol, I was on your roof  fiddling away with a brush. Passing traffic and police helicopters would  have seen my masterpiece. And word of mouth would have made you look  the fool when they told people what I had painted.


As for your rose hedge. I know it took some hefty damage, but you’ll be happy to know it hurt me more than it hurt the hedge.

But  unlike me, the players were unable to take control of the situation.  They were unable to give their blood and guts to the cause.

They  were not fighters. They were not warriors. They had no passion. They  had no drive. Desire. They had nothing. They simply failed to raise  their game, the tempo and the pace of the match. They failed to adapt  and take control.

I won’t dwell or review on each player’s  performance. For the sake of it, I’ll just randomly choose two players.  Christ, I miss Carrick. I’m sure with The Conductor in the team, we  would not have struggled against ten men. Oh, and by the way. How on  earth did Everton look to have so much room and space to play the ball  and move forward, and we looked utterly bewildered and lost with the  extra man? Our players looked like they were all coming down from a  ketamine high. Anyways…

Robbie Keane. Wonderful player. But is  there any need to showboat three minutes into a game? Flicks and  fancy-dan leg work is fine when you are two or three up. But at any  other time, it’s wasteful. And tell me, has he now got a clause that  prevents him from scoring tap-in’s? Tell you what, he’s pretty good with  those Pringle cans. Maybe you can give Pringles to all the ball boys  and girls and we can attempt a cheeky swap when the football goes out of  play.

Jermaine Jenas. Jermaine Jenius. The Genius. JJ. The  Jezza. What does he do exactly? I don’t know. Maybe you do, but I don’t.  Maybe you can ask Martin, but as I know you will read this letter and  not reply to it, I’ll try and work this conundrum out for myself.

I don’t know what Jenas can do, other than fluke a goal from midfield every few games. However, I know what he can’t do:

He can’t trap a simple ball.
He can’t control a simple ball.
He can’t tackle and take the ball.
He can’t seem to run forward with the ball.
He can’t shoot on target.
He can’t play a one-two.
He  struggles to understand the concept that he is a professional  footballer whose job it is to look (or at least pretend) like he knows  what he’s doing.

He’s a confidence player, I hear you cry. Well  okay. He is a confidence player. And, what is a confidence player  exactly? Because if you are suggesting, like many of your minions do,  that Jenas needs to have the crowd behind him in order to do the simple  things, then you do understand that this is a catch 22 situation.  Because until he masters the art of taking the ball under his control,  looking up, and neatly playing said ball – the crowd will struggle to  sing his name.

Jenas can’t be selected simply on the basis that ‘he might be good’. He can’t be selected because ‘he might score’.

Knee-jerk!  Knee-jerk, I hear you cry! Well, I actually do agree with that. Because  all his knees seem to do is jerk. They jerk all over the place. Maybe  swimming around in that goldfish for all those years has given him  arthritis.

And yet he plays, and a World Cup/World Class player  like Zokora is on the bench. How is it that Spurs always manage to  demote their best players to sitting on the bench? I’m beginning to  wonder if some of the lads who are in the first team week in and week  out without question may have incriminating photographic evidence of  you. Like you at that hotel with the bung.

You think I didn’t  know about that, did you? Levy and bung in the same sentence. What a  disgrace. I’ve seen the photo too. You, and there’s no doubt its you,  with your hands all over the bung, gleaming with delight. And I’m  certain it isn’t photoshopped either. Though I couldn’t work out one  thing about the photograph. Was it Zippy or George in the gimp outfit? I  mean, it’s not important for me to know, but I’m a little curious. I  grew up watching that programme and I need closure.

Anyway,  forget about that. I’m getting sidetracked and that doesn’t happen  often. And the court injunction permits me or anyone else for that  matter from discussing it in any great detail. You got away with  destroying the memory of my favourite childhood tv program and now you  are doing the same thing to my beloved football club.

But take  note of the final 15 minutes of today’s game. Yes, that wasn’t fickle  football fans leaving early. And it wasn’t fickle football fans booing  the team and having to listen to chants of ‘Your support is f**king  shit’ being thrown back in their faces. They were people who, like me,  are sick of you injecting smack into our veins. You have turned us into  crackwhores. We know its bad for us, but yet we still come back for  more. Knowing that it won’t end well. But we crave that next fix. And  like the greedy dealer, you get rich off our misery. And when we die,  there’s 20,000 other mugs waiting inline.

So, that’s my weekend  done and dusted. Ruined. Turned to pish. While I watch a DVD and order a  pizza and  look forward to my community service early Monday morning -  you on the other hand will pull out a shoebox or two from under your  pink waterbed, and send all fourteen million notes up to Teesside. 

And in a flash, everything will be set right. Oh the glory.

Yours hoping to get my Tottenham back,





5 August 2006

Dear Mr Levy,

Here we are once again. A  brand new season upon us, which follows another summer of mediocrity. I  am more staggered with disbelief and contempt for you than ever before. I  hate to imagine what will happen once the season kicks-off.

Firstly,  as I am a man with principles and honour, I’d like to apologise for the  water balloon attack. It was meant for you and you alone. Is the old  dear okay? I know pensioners tend to get hypothermia quite easily. I’ll  use custard next time. Ironically, I do hold you partly responsible  because if season tickets were not so expensive I could afford a decent  pair of night-vision goggles.

The summer has been hot and my  hopes and dreams for Tottenham Hotspur have long since melted away with  many a child’s lollypop. And as I stand on the corner of the street  waiting for you to drive along in an ice cream van, you instead pull up  selling bagels and smoked trout.

Mr Levy. With each season I  pray that God will reach down and touch your soul, but it seems your  pact with the devil is as strong as ever.

All we want is ice  cream in a cone with a flake. Instead, you shower us with crusty bread.  Fact is, Mr Levy, is that you don’t care what the people want.

This is my report on your performance this pre-season.

Firstly. Duff.

Now.  This, without doubt, shattered me. I find it quite incredible that you  allowed this transfer saga to run riot across the world wide web and the  tabloid press. It’s embarrassing. Humiliating. To nearly sign Duff and  end looking like a bunch of cheap skates whilst Newcastle United capture  his signature. Lack of ambition bleeds from the very heart of White  Hart Lane. And the blood is gribiche horseradish flavored.

Now,  I’m going to ignore the fact that ‘officially’ the Stamford Bridge club  may have rejected a bid for Duff from us or that Duff wanted a decent  wage packet for his services and that we refused. What concerns me is  that you are incapable as a chairman to hold down confidential and  private information concerning club transfers.

The policy should  be that when I receive my Spurs Mobile text message and see the  information on the Spurs homepage, that this is the oracle of fact  concerning any imminent transfer deals.

What I find  incomprehensible is that weeks before any thing official is stated and  usually days before the media get hold of it, I am reading about Duff on  Spurs forums on the Internet.

This is the year 2006! We have the technology to stop things like this from happening.

Do  you know that you have people working for you that are passing on  information to friends who in turn are then telling other contacts who  post the information online? Exactly what kind of measures are you  taking in keeping delicate information under wraps? Well?

Let me give you some advice on the matter.

1)  Do not discuss possible transfer targets while you’re leaning up  against a urinal or taking a dump, or speaking from one cubicle whilst  Damien sits comfortable taking notes on another.

2) Whilst in a cubicle, scribbling ‘DUFF 4 SPURS – L3VY’ on the wall is a big no-no.

3)  Patting the cleaning lady on the bum, giving her a wink and saying  ‘Something big is about to happen, and I’m not talking about my pants’  is also best avoided.

4) Do not leave your laptop lying around so that people can see the team you have built in Football Manager 2006.

5) Suspend Damien Comolli for fraternising with the public and speaking to young boys.

6)  If you are having discussions about signing a player with the directors  of another club, for example a Spanish club, try not to text your mates  saying ‘ITS IN THE BAG’ when it clearly isn’t.

7) Spend more  time speaking in that funny code language when discussing transfer  targets, as nobody can understand a word of it when the information is  posted on forums.

8) Take Martin Jol aside and have words in his  ear about socialising with fans and hinting at whom he likes and whom he  dislikes. Nip this in the bud NOW, before we end up having speed-dating  events with the staff and fans at the Lodge.

9) Cut down all neighboring trees in the local vicinity of the training ground.

10)  Yourself, Damien and Martin and possibly high-level directors should be  the only people in the know concerning club transfers. If the  information is leaked, then it’s obvious who is leaking it. Use this to  your advantage by giving duff information out to the lesser beings that  work there, as to deflect away from the truth.

You see, I am a  purist. It makes no difference if I know something 10 days before it  happens. The fact is, if it happens, it happens. You cannot change it.  If it doesn’t happen, then you feel that you had something that was  taken away from you, even though the reality of it is that you never had  it in the first place.

I know that you will ignore my advice;  because the true reality is that all this is part of your war against  the fans. You want to make us all look like fools with your  cyber-propaganda.

Fact is, with Duff, you didn’t have the  ambition to pay him what he is quite obviously worth. Newcastle want to  achieve great things, and they don’t allow something as shallow as money  to get in their way.

Moving swiftly on. Michael Carrick.

This,  for me, epitomises what is wrong with our great club. The very fabric  of Tottenham has been ripped from the club and used to string us all up  by our necks.

Martin Jol has built the team around Carrick.  Everything goes through Carrick. He was our conductor. More passes and  through-balls than anyone else. And yet, as simple as 1-2-3, you sell  him to Manchester United guaranteeing that we will not finish in the top  4 next season. This, in-effect, will lead to Defoe, Lennon, King and  Robbie Keane all handing in transfer requests. Jol will then look to  Ajax as a quick getaway, citing that he always wanted to manage them.

Obviously,  you want this to happen because you didn’t do a thing to stop it. Sure,  you offered him a new contract and stuff. Well whoop-dee-fucking-do.  This all could have been avoided by NOT SIGNING CARRICK in the first  place. He used us as a stepping-stone and you were quite happy to  oblige.

Tottenham Hotspur are now nothing more than a selling club. You may as well colour us claret and blue and call us shit.

And talking of shit.

The  3rd Puma kit. This for me is the Mount Everest of cock-ups. I see what  you have done here Mr Levy. And if this doesn’t serve up as blatant  evidence that you think everything is a joke, I don’t know what does.

You  have taken it upon yourself to commemorate our end of season away day  defeat at Upton Park by asking Puma to produce a brown coloured shirt.  How apt. All that is missing is the change of sponsorship to Imodium and  having Jenas making lots of runs from the midfield.

Now, we all know that’s not going to happen. Jenas is rubbish.

Making  things worse is that I would have preferred Imodium to Mansion. What’s  your obsession with red sponsorships? What next? Red sleeves? Red  shorts? Never red my arse.

You know what, thinking about it maybe  I have this wrong. Maybe you have other reasons behind the choice of  colour for the away kit. Brownshirts marching across Europe. I think  that’s enough to prove how much of a fascist you are.

You have  spent more time this summer spending money on players than thinking  about the shirts. Which should, theoretically, be a good thing.

Berbatov.  Zakora. A couple of French blokes nobody has ever heard of, but must be  good cause there French. And no left-winger. And possibly Chimbonda.

Excellent.  Let’s spend over £10M on Andy Garcia cause he scored loads of tap-ins  in Germany. But he must be worth all the money cause he looks all moody  in pictures. We’ve just got ourselves a good-looking tall Bulgarian  version of Rebrov.

As for Zokoria, what does he do exactly? I’ll  tell you what he doesn’t do. He doesn’t score goals. Losing Carrick, you  would hope to bring in a free-scoring attacking midfielder. But no, we  bring in Zackora a player who Man Utd and Arsenal both rejected.  Therefore deeming him good enough for us. Let’s keep on signing  second-rate players whilst we sell world-class players to rival teams.

Duff.  Carrick. The brown shirt. New signings. It’s been busy hasn’t it? And  yet why do I wish it was the start of the summer instead of almost the  end of it?

Even the contrived pre-season fixtures against weak  opposition to give everyone the illusion that your stormtroopers are  unbeatable is at best laughable.

I have my season ticket. I also  got that members package you sent me. After a controlled explosion, I  found a key ring and a scarf inside it. I’m uncertain at this time  whether the key ring is bugged, but one thing is certain. It’s the first  key ring I’ve seen that’s designed to lose keys.

The season ticket however is quite handsome. I already look forward to toasting marshmallows on it. 

I’ll think I’ll end this letter here and I look forward to your reply.

HAHAHAHAHA, yeah right. Like you ever acknowledge us true supporters.


Spooky, block 34




Dear In the Know and Club Insiders,

My name is Spooky. You may know me from such titles as ‘Dear Mr Emperor Levy’ and ‘Dear Chelsea’.

I  am a season ticket holder in Paul Robinson’s very own ‘The Park Lane  End’. South stand. I’m very much a mis-understood character. I prefer to  be known more as a maverick soul rather than ‘that miserable git’.

I’m  a thinker. A revolutionary. Very much infamous in the little corner of  the world wide web reserved for us Tottenham fans. I’d prefer legend,  but that’s a little bit over-used nowadays.


Hoddle has the rights to that, so for the time being, Spooks will do me just fine.

This evening I am upset. Very very upset.

Now,  placing aside the restraining order and that rather unsavoury incident  with the bagel shaped dildo, the Alan Sugar effigy, Daniel Levy’s car  exhaust and the two female policewomen, I am not a troubled young man. I  simply love my club and do my best to unite supporters against the  boards continuing reluctance in helping with the progression of the  team. This can sometimes lead to…situations. Raging against the machine  is dirty work and I don’t mind doing it. Nobody else will. Which brings  me onto the fans.

Unfortunately the vast majority of Tottenham  fans are deluded and believe all the propaganda that Levy and Damien  ‘Spin Doctor’ Comolli spurt out of The Lodge. It’s my job to un-wash  their brains of the Mk-Ultra style operation that Levy is  commander-and-chief of.

I suggest you read my previous  correspondence to the chairman if you are curious to what my battle  strategy and viewpoints are relating to the club and the management.

Fact  is, here I am on today of all days, and I have no intention (as  originally planned) of throwing frozen shit at Daniel and his family as  they carry their shopping through the Tesco’s car park. Apparently this  isn’t something that’s sanctioned legal by the government, but have you  ever seen signs forbidding such behaviour? Anyway.

Today, the  blame doesn’t fall on Daniels lap. The blame is elsewhere. It’s within  our very own ranks. It’s running through our veins. But there’s a blood  clot. And I’m the doctor that’s gonna go all out NHS on it’s venous ass  and rip that infected limb off and feed it to the rats.

ITK’s and Club Insiders. You, you are the blood clot.

I  have suffered many humiliations in my years on Gods green earth. Most  as a teenager. My first ejaculation into a woman’s mouth at the back of  the bike shed at school springs to mind as a perfect and fitting  example.

Fit girl she was. Great pair of tits. Missing biology  for some true hands-on fieldwork was far more educational. She hardly  ever wore knickers either, the tease. By the time she unzipped me and  placed my ruler in her mouth, it took a grand 5 seconds for me to shed  many tears of man-love over her lips.

Taking into consideration  that her oral examination of my good self was only meant to be an  appetiser, the humiliation steems from the fact that she spat, wiped her  mouth and gave me a wink advising me to:

‘Picture Tottenham’s starting line-up next time. You might last longer’

It didn’t bother her that she failed to deliver (we should have skipped the appetiser).

And what has this little anecdote have to do with anything? Allow me to enlighten you.

She had something I wanted. Badly. She promised it.

She flirted and teased me with it, never showing it all, but letting me know it was there and letting me know it could be mine.

She kept me hanging onto her every word. ‘It’s our little secret’, she would seductively tease.

And as I remained hypnotised on her every word and whisper, I unconditionally gave myself to her. No questions asked.

I was smitten. And there was no doubt that I was going to get some. At least, that’s the signals she was sending out.

But  instead of getting what was teased, what was promised, I shot my load  too early and didn’t get to stick anything in her warm pie.

She  leaves the bike shed with an untainted whore status. I on the other  hand, dick still hanging out of trousers, have this overwhelmingly  horrible feeling of rejection and emptiness. Is she to blame? Or did my  over-excitement set me up for the fall?

Maybe I was never meant  to shag her? Maybe a blowjob was the only thing I was ever meant to get?  Maybe she didn’t know what she was planning on giving me. Maybe she  teased and moved just enough to allow for the mask of mystery to hid her  true intentions. Maybe she knew all along I would spurt on touch. Maybe  I just made assumptions and mis-read something that’s usually pretty  impossible to read anyway.

We all know how difficult women can be, right? They always seem to talk in code.

You  know, like they would say one thing, which doesn’t make any sense at  all and means something altogether different and we men are meant to  understand and work out what it is. It’s like cracking the Da Vinci  code. And then when you’ve worked it out, it no longer matters because  she’s changed her mind or said she was wrong to say it in the first  place.

And yet, as she skipped away to her mates, giggling and  fluttering her eye lashes, she turned round and gave me one of those  seductive looks that caught my attention the first time round.

‘Same time next week?’

How  could I say no? I mean, sure, she’s a slut. Sure, she has this  undeserved power over how I behave. And even though she leads me on, I  find myself wanting more. Just in case I get the grand prize out of it.

But hold on.

Maybe  it isn’t her that’s the problem. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m taking our  bikeshed frolics a little bit too seriously. I mean it’s just a bit of  fun isn’t it? She might whisper in my ear that she wants to give Willy a  ticket to the chocolate factory, but that doesn’t mean its actually  going to happen.

In fact, to her, it may be nothing more than  what it is. A tease. A suggestion. Something that may happen because we  find ourselves in a situation where it could happen, leaving the  anticipation to be the real highlight.

But then, with others, she  has got them round to the bike shed and promised them something quite  specific. This one bloke, he was told she’d let him French kiss her lips  and then French kiss her other lips. It never happened. They shared a  packet of Monster Munch and chatted about Charlene and Scott’s wedding.

He  went mental afterwards. Called her frigid. He told everyone during  lunch break that she was a virgin. Big mistake. He got beaten up by her  mates for slagging her off and was duly banned from going anywhere near  the bike shed.

Sure, most of the time I’m left disappointed.  Disappointed that her promise didn’t ring true or that what she told me  I’d get wasn’t exactly what I got. Gutted that kids from other schools  would turn up outside the school gates or even venture into the  playground to take the piss. Even some of the kids from the same school  took the piss.

She wasn’t the only slut. There were a few. Some  better looking than others. Some liked to do their business behind the  bike shed. Others were more accustomed up a tree. Sometimes one would  offer a blowjob but all you got was a handjob instead. Wasn’t a blowjob,  but it was close enough.

These birds had it and flaunted it and  used it. There was still a fair share of mingers to go around. Ugly  birds who would make extravagant claims that they had two clits or could  deep throat, when in truth the ‘second clit’ was a tampon and their  version of deep throat was gagging on a saveloy from the local  fish’n’ship shop.

This lot had no respect from anyone. Proper munters, who were full of shit.

But  everyone served a purpose and to be honest, if you were someone who  didn’t want a handjob from one of the birds or didn’t want your balls  tickled, then there was nothing stopping you from going off to the other  side of the playground and kicking a football about.

Still, for  every bloke who went off to play football, there were two or three that  hanged around the bike shed making sure the girls didn’t come to no  harm. Defending them with honour, like they were Queens or royalty or  something. You half expect medals to be handed out.

As for the  humiliation I referred to at the start, I had fun right? Regardless of  the outcome. Not really humiliation is it. I think I was wrong to use  that word.

Maybe this anecdote wasn’t the perfect and fitting  example to talk about whatever it was I was meant to get across in this  letter. What was the point of this letter?

Oh yeah, blood clots.

You  know what. I wanted to say something about Internet message forums and  people who claim to be ITK (In The Know) and have contacts within the  club and inside information on transfers and stuff. I sort of got  sidetracked with those old skool memories.

As I think about it a  bit more, I don’t really see the point in slagging you people off. I  mean, at the end of the day, to use a metaphor, if the school had no  whores or sluts, we would only go home and wank off.

Screw this  letter. Nothing much has happened today. Zidane got a 3-match ban, even  though he has retired from football and Damien Duff joined Newcastle.  That Jayne from Big Brother got evicted. Now that’s a munter.

I’m  sure I was meant to be upset about something. And if I'm meant to be  upset, then that wanker Levy must have something to do with it. I’ve got  some frozen shit-bricks in the fridge that I could put to good use.

I’ll see you all when I make bail.






A Memo To Martin Jol

Date: 12/03/06

To: Martin Jol, First team coach of Tottenham Hotspur

From: The Association of Real Spurs Enforcers Neutralising Anarchist Levy

Subject: "Next year, maybe Tottenham fans"


You  dont really know how to take Spurs to the next level. We were given 4th  spot, gift-wrapped with a ribbon, and yet you have done your best to  give it away. We all expected 4th spot pre-season, and now we are  destined to end up without it. At the very least we might sneak into the  UEFA Cup, with is the equivalent of the League Cup of Europe.

Stubborn  to the bone, you seem obsessed with playing players who look good on  paper but do little on the pitch. You dont make substitutions when they  are needed and you dont attempt to win games when they are there to be  won.

Six Premiership defeats is disgraceful.

We have  conceded several goals in the dying moments costing us valuable points.  We have also been knocked out of two Cup competitions because of lack of  conviction.

Yet, the fact you have no hair appears to be  somewhat of a shrewd tactical ploy on your part to keep the fans singing  songs in your favour. I hear that you have asked Paul Stalteri to shave  his head.

If you struggled with English and had bug-eyes you would be shown the door for incompetence.

And  yet you are still here, forcing Defoe out of the club and showing  over-the-top loyalty to the likes of Robbie Keane, a one-trick pony from  the school of Joe Cole who knows nothing about team-work. The same  thing applies to the vastly over-rated Paul Robinson whose strong point  appears to be booting the ball down the pitch in true Wimbledon style to  our very own John Fashanu, Mido (who complains more than Mary Whitehouse did when she was alive and well).

You  play former Juventus star Davids, who if he had the looks of Luke  Chadwick, you would have sacked him by now. A man famous for his glasses  and dreadlocks and once upon a time being a pretty decent player is now  nothing but a blind pitbull with no sense of direction. But he has  dreadlocks, I hear you shout! This is quite obviously another ploy that  has close ties to the Spurs Shop and merchandising.

Then theres  are fullbacks. Paul Stalteri is like some blind demented Sam the Eagle,  galloping in the wrong direction unable to do the simple things like  trap a football/pass a football/play with a football/ kick a ball down  field in the dying moments.

Yet he is undroppable. Undroppable? More like invisible.

The  same could be said for Jenas. So what if he is outscoring previous  Spurs midfielders from recent years? He doesnt appear to do much else,  and if you study video evidence, you will find he is at fault for the  recent defeat. In fact, I also blame him for the demise of Nottm Forest,  as since they sold him they have gone downhill, struggling to reclaim  past glories.

Carrick for England? Glenn Hoddle found God with his pass. Carrick found Wright-Phillips.

Lennon  has pace. So does a 100-metre sprint athlete. Big deal. This time next  year hell be playing reserve team football, and then hell be loaned out  to Stockport.

Danny Murphy has done nothing, nothing in his time at Spurs and is a costly flop.

You got rid of the next big thing, Wayne Routledge.

You  also bought a crocked Egyptian who hasnt even played 60 career goals  and you have sold Champions League winner Pedro 'two-goals-against-City'  Mendes to Pompey.

One balls-up after another. Maybe your parents should have called you Cock, instead of your brother.

I'm  staggered to think we should have been 20 points clear off 5th spot,  yet your naive tactics and poor motivation has ruined any chance of  success. Next season, with Arsenal, Bolton and Rovers improving further,  it will make claiming a 4th place in the league nigh impossible.

I expect the summer to be full of transfers.

Defoe to Liverpool.
Carrick to Utd.
Mido back to Roma.
King to Ashburton.

Even  though these players are over-rated, its still half a team you are  going to lose and I'm sure you will waste the money on signing more  players who are not good enough.

All because you cant work out how to win games that we are supposed to win. You are technically as bad as our previous managers.

We  never attack with pace. We never have shots on goal. And we dont seem  to be capable of killing games off with some time-wasting (ball in  corner and subs in last minute).

All this says one thing to me: You dont have a clue.

We have no winners in the team. No one who has that never-say-die mentality or that self-belief in themselves and in 4th place.

Compare this to previous years.

With  so many England internationals in the side, we should be 3rd at the  very least, and yet you are driving us towards the bottom half of the  mid-table.

I firmly believe this team could match, for 90  minutes, the Brazil side of the 70s, and because of modern day fitness,  we could probably beat them (though it would take extra-time to do so).

But  with you in charge, Im positive that would not happen. Instead, in the  91st minute, Pele claims the ball from Stalteri, who doesnt clear it out  and he slides the ball to Jairzinho, who dummies, and allows the  incoming Carlos Alberto to flick the ball up in the air and header it to  Rivelino who jinxs between King and Dawson before passing the ball to  Pele who has taken a position at the far corner. Pele, controls the ball  with his chest, allowing it to drop down to his left foot. He moves the  ball to his right foot, nutmegs Robinson three times before stopping  the ball dead on the goal line. Felix is there to knock the ball in with  a deft touch with his chin.

Everyone is gutted. Except for Dawson who is smiling.

Another last minute defeat for Tottenham. A defeat that I simply cannot forgive you for.

You  have been at the club for a couple of seasons and I see no progress. We  are not impatient and over-demanding and we are not fickle. Its a fact  that your job is a comfortable one and you should be able to please us  with relative ease. And yet you cant even qualify us for the Champions  League.

You allow the likes for Jose, Arsene and Alex to  overshadow you. Compare what they have achieved to what you have and  this is further proof of your incompetence.

Congratulations Martin. There use to be a football club here.

But  maybe I mis-understand you. Maybe the truth is deep down, aiming for  success is better than the actual success itself. And your masterplan is  to keep us in a perpetual transitional period. 

Because, lets face it, winning too much will lead us to being spoilt. And thus, Champs League would be a disaster for the club.

It  would lead to extra revenue, world class players signing, 45000 ground  capacity and thus the arrival of fairweather/glory hunting fans. The  Park Lane end will be full of sit-down prawn sandwich eaters and people  who dont know who Bill Nicholson is. John Obi Mikel will want to sign  for us. Huge sponsorship. Our own tv channel (Sky Sports). Lack of  atmosphere will follow and with silverware after silverware, the club  will degenerate into a laughing stock.

So, in conclusion, either way, we end up unhappy.

Its akin to killing someone, using voodoo to bring them back to life, and then burying them alive.

No matter what, our hopes and dreams live in a bodybag being carried by you. Martin Jol, the Grim Reaper of the Lane.

I wish I was born in Woolwich.




Dear Emperor Levy,

Rome, apparently, wasnt built in day and from  the looks of it you havent even bothered to lay down the foundations at  WHL. Instead, you have removed your robes and defecated over every man,  woman and child bearing the sign of the cockerel. Im actually shaking  as I type this letter. I am so angry and frustrated and staggered and  quite simply disgusted with the ease you find in creating new levels of  embarrassment, dragging the name of Tottenham Hotspur through the mud of  dishonour.

I am ashamed to be alive today.

I would  request you place aside that Cuban cigar and that ten-year-old malt you  are drinking whilst your secretary reads this letter out to you, and pay  close attention to what I have to say. Because I have a lot to say,  which is quite unusual for me. So, lets start.

As always, I speak  for the people. I speak for the Park Lane End, including the ones who  wear Burberry. I speak for the Paxton, cause lets face it, they aint  gonna speak up for themselves. I speak for the Shelf Side and the ball  boys. I speak for the okay looking female steward that works on block 34  in the South Stand Lower. I speak for the Spurs away support and I  speak for Gary O'Reilly (who probably walked out as the pre-match  interviewer because you didnt pay him enough for his mic skills).

I speak. For all Spurs fans.

And  I speak with rage and passion directed with vengeance at the West Stand  Bourgeois. You all make me sick. Leaving twenty minutes from the end of  home games to make sure you avoid the traffic, driving out of the  Tottenham area in your Jags and Mercs to your mansions. Do you and your  directors even clap when we score a goal? I suggest you spend an  afternoon STANDING next to me. You might learn something about what it  means to be a Spurs fan, because, Daniel, you know jack. At least  Scholar had the foresight to invest money and invest it well. You can't  even build us a tube station.

Granted, you appear to be a  contradiction. A paradox. Many of my White Hart Lane brethren are  confused and gullible. They are susceptible to your illusions.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

You are not fooling me. Not today, not tomorrow and not on Sabbath.

I see the real you. The real Daniel Levy. You are akin to Angel/Angelus from the popular Joss Whedon syndicated Buffy spin-off Angel.

One minute, fighting the good fight as Angel, helping the helpless as you strive to save the day.

(Metaphor translation: You buy young British players to fight the evil across North London)

The  next, you have a moment of complete happiness, lose your soul and turn  into Angelus, then attempt to rape and pillage your way through everyone  around you.

(Metaphor translation: You take the money from  season ticket sales and spunk it on booze and women, whilst making  woeful decisions to undermine what good you have managed to fluke).

But be warned Levy. Angel was canned. Buffy only lasted seven years and Firefly didn't even make it till the end of its first season.

You are on thin ice.

Lets move onto my grievances.

The new badge

Dear  god, where do I even begin with this comical monstrosity? It looks like  a barreled chested chicken sitting on a beachball pumped with steroids.  Its a disgrace.  And apparently there will be no Tottenham Hotspur  sitting under the badge when it appears on our kit next season. HOW IS  ANYONE GOING TO KNOW WHO WE ARE? Maybe its only endearing feature will  be that the badge on the kit will be Braille, so that Rob Styles knows  whom to send off.

Why stick a chicken on a beachball? Why not get  rid of the ball altogether? Better still just replace the chicken with a  box of chicken. In fact, replace it with the words KFC and it can  double up as our sponsor. Then, the kit would only appear to have a  badge and no sponsor. We would be like Barcelona, except playing in the  white colour of Madrid, who lets face it are not very good in  comparison, and thus perfectly fitting the ethos you lead your life  with.

You are systematically dismantling our history and heritage. What next? Bankrupt us and move us to south London?

Andrew Bartholomew Reid

Allegedly,  we are willing to listen for offers for him. Tell me, did we listen for  offers for Gascogine just after we signed him? He was fat. Wayne Rooney  is fat. Are Man Utd set to sell him? Its discrimination of the highest  order, and further proof of the diet-obsessed society we now live in,  forcing people to strive towards heroin chic in order to fit in. Tell  me, do you and the coaching staff at the club feel proud that you are  singling out the only fat player at the club and not selecting him for  first team football? Fat people should have the chance to interact and  be part of something other than webcam chats with East European cam  girls.

Andrew is a quality left-sided midfielder who has never  been given a chance to shine. Maybe if he played more games he would  lose weight and fit in with your fattist regime.

Martin Jol

I  like Martin. So does everyone else, rival fans and media too. Although  tactically naive (we havent played good football this season akin to the  Kanoute inspired 5 goal thrillers of last season) I think he might  succeed. Probably at Ajax when he moves on.

Martin however needs  to learn that this isnt Amsterdam. We are not all free of mind and  spirit, walking the narrow streets peaking into kamers looking for  fifteen minutes of glory.

We expect 90 minutes of glory here,  preferably every Saturday. Instead, he allows an assortment of  characters to penetrate the Lodge and undermine his management of the  team and transfers  causing havoc with our pre-match training schedule  for Saturdays game.

I read on a internet message board that he  freely discussed transfer targets with a fan, pointing at a notepad  (with players names written on it), stating clues as to who we were  interested in and who we were not interested in.

Tell me, does he think this is Football Manager 2006? Because at the moment, he appears to be playing without the 6.0.2 patch.

He cant freely discuss such matters with any old riff-raff who stalk the players at the training ground.

In fact, I'm quite disturbed. Maybe the cake the fans presented Martin with was spiked with a hallucinogen of some kind.

Worst still is that Martin shared a moment with one chap, reciting poetry in Dutch.

If  the News of the World gets hold of the full story there, I reckon it  will be the last we hear of the Sven story for a while. And it will be  David Pleat and the Seven Sisters all over again.

Theo Walcott

This  one makes me gag and puke from the utter rejection I feel for missing  out on a player, who know doubt is the best young talent in world  football. Have you not seen the video of that chip? That goal when he  chips it in? Havent you seen the chip? He chips it. Sky Sports News play  that one clip all the time. Over and over and over again. Its the chip.  The goal where he chips it over the keeper and into the goal. The kid  has got chipability. He chips the ball in against some team, and scores.

And yet, this wasnt enough for you, was it? You obviously dont like chips and prefer the bagels of the West Stand.

Because  of your footballing ignorance, you have missed out on a prodigy genius  who is already well on his way to being a great. He is the Henry we  never had, and now Arsenal has twice the va-va-voom. Making it even more  confusing for Bobby.

Others might not see it, but I do. We could  have weighed in a bid for Walcott during the last transfer window, but  instead you bid and purchased Grzegorz Rasiak. You spent the Walcott  Transfer Fund on Rasiak. Tell me, Mr Levy, are you a man of comedy?  Because my sides are splitting.

You claim our policy is to buy  young British players and build a backbone to help us progress. Yet, the  one player who could have made the difference, helping us in our  current plight, has been lost to our enemy. They have a history of  developing and grooming the young, nursing them to adulthood with their  ball playing. 

You have made them stronger and us weaker. And  dont go quoting Jol on Lennon. Lennon didnt cost £5M (rising to £12M).  So he is obviously not as good as Walcott.

Mendes, Davis, Pamarot

Frank  Anersen was so good at his job, Chelsea snatched him from us. Yet, you  sell the nucleus of last seasons team to Portsmouth making one of our  rivals even stronger. Davids is old, Davis is young and has his whole  career ahead of him, yet you sanctioned his transfer. Tell, me, if Sean  Davis was black, short and had dreadlocks and cool trendy sunglasses  would you have transfer listed him then? What is it that you strive for,  Mr Levy? Purchasing good footballers who can do a job, or purchasing  footballers who are good for merchandising?

Mendes won the Champions League for FC Porto.

Pamarot is French.

And yet, both not deemed good enough. I bet your fantasy football team has hardly any points.

I could go on and on and on, because you and MJ have given me an abundance of worries and concerns.

I  could mention the FA Cup 3rd Round defeat but I wont (Leicester 3 Spurs  2) or I could point out how we signed Mido on loan from Roma, knowing  full well he is Egyptian and will go missing for a good month, much like  a certain Mali striker did. Or how Jol is only playing Robbie Keane so  that he doesnt sign for a bigger club like Everton, dropping him for  Defoe come February. 

Its transparent.

4th in the  Premiership? Am I supposed to ignore the fact that we are 23 points off  the relegation zone? We havent managed to net 5 goals at home in a  single home match yet. Compare it to last season. Its a joke.

Bringing  back Reto screams of desperation. Its certifiable that you dont know  what youre doing in the transfer market. Which brings me onto my last  grievance.

The January Transfer Window

'Sorry Miss, my dog ate my homework'
'Im late because my alarm didn't go off this morning'
'This has never happened before, I usually last longer'
'He didnt sign for us because we couldnt guarantee him first team football'

First Danny Murphy and now Wayne Bridge. What are you playing at? You and Martin have a lot to answer for on this one.

Heres  a player of genuine quality, yet he took one look at the set-up at the  Lane and knew Fulham would be able to offer him so much more. For a  start, they dont have Tottenham High Road. Bridge knew he would be out  of place with all the players we have. He wouldnt be able to fit in and  be part of a team. Fulham have a far more comfortable set-up, allowing  Bridge to express himself more. Fact is, we are simply not an attractive  proposition for any player who wants to better himself and become part  of something big.

I dont blame him.

But I blame you. And that Damien Corleone, our alleged director of football. Allow me to quote him:

'We  have always said this would be a quiet window for us. The best players  are not available in January. Martin and I are quite clear that we will  always keep looking, but that we will only bring in quality players that  will improve our squad'

This man is amazing. In fact, I  liken him to David Copperfield. Damien might not be able to make things  disappear, but he is brilliant at keeping things from appearing. He is  like the anti-magician.

His quote is a fancy way of saying, Kuyt  wont sign for us now, but well try again in the summer when the World  Cup starts and he is on parade for the world to see along with every  other possible transfer target.

Mr Levy, I just cant  take this form of abuse you are mentally castrating us with. I have  decided, in protest, to burn my season ticket at the Park Lane End, at  half-time this Saturday when we play host to Aston Villa.

I know  that this act will inspire many to follow me in making a bonfire of the  vanities. Take a moment to gaze over to the South Stand where us  peasants stand. The man with tears in his eyes, throwing voucher open  voucher onto the fire is a man whose very essence has been destroyed by  your greed.

Your arrogance has destroyed hope in N17. You have  even laid rest the Latin, so that you can attract fair-weather fans that  only read and write basic English, cashing in on cheap merchandise.

Please,  I beg you, tender your resignation. Leave the club now and take the  manager with you, and we might just recover from the long ball game the  team are playing.

Yours graciously,




From 2005


Dear  Mr Levy,

Cant say I am shocked or surprised that we have  finally been found out. The defeat at WBA says one thing and one thing  only. And it screams it out loud to the media and the faithful at the  Lane of Dreams. And thats:

We simply are not good enough.

As  a chairman, you are not very good, and you have clearly proven this  time and time again. I wont linger on the fact that if it wasn't for  your negligence in failing to make the surrounding area at White Hart  Lane nice and pretty, then Roman Abramovich would never have chosen  Chelsea after his helicopter ride.

In Martin Jol, you have  someone who can make a nice English cup of tea, but quite obviously  cannot motivate the team or in fact talk tactics. He is simply a big  jolly man with no hair who is in place, stragically, to force the Park  Lane End to sing funny jovial songs about him and thus distracting us  from the woeful performances. You are an alchemist, Mr Levy, who has  cast a spell over us to make us think everything is fine - hiding the  truth from us.

And the truth is, we are simply average at best.

Whats  that Mr Levy? Rome wasnt built in a day? So what. We are not  re-building Rome are we? We are building a football team. Thats 11 men  kicking a ball about, ffs. Its not that difficult a job. And yet, we  lose to WBA.

Three defeats in nineteen games you say? Well, I'd  prefer to dwell on the fact that we have a manager who cant manage. Take  for example, Andrew Reid. A player worth at least £15M, which we got  for much less. And the club has managed to push him to the brink of  depression. The lad, from the stress bestowed on him, now has an eating  disorder.

Mido is another player who is struggling with his appearance, growing his hair and never shaving.

And  lets not forget Michael Dawson. A young man, who we got as part of the  Reid deal. A player who is forever smiling. Remind you of anyone? Yes,  you have invested time and money in someone who is clearly suffering  from Ian Walker Syndrome. He is cursed, and its best to get rid before  the circus hits the town in our defence.

Robbie Keane already has one leg in Everton, which would explain why he still cant score one-on-ones. He has no balance.

Defoe is clearly one-dimensional and Davids has no friends.

King  has yet to sign a contract, which screams 'BOSMAN...TAXI TO ARSENE  WENGERS HOUSE PLEASE' and Carrick use to play for West Ham Utd and when  he was there, Lampard and Cole 'carried' him through the games.

We have a team of mis-fits who are mis-firing.

The  simple fact is, Jol has had plenty of time to build us into a Champions  League team. Plenty of time. And yet the fact is, the defeat against  WBA proved we are still the team of old.

We have got our Tottenham Back. The Tottenham we love.

The Gerry Francis Tottenham.
The Christian Gross Tottenham.
The Santini Tottenham.

The Martin Jol Tottenham sits at the bottom of this pile. Its a pile. A pile on the anus of hope.

Even the Dutch star of the future laughed off our attempts to sign him and stayed in Holland.

I dont know what more I can say. Oh wait, yes I do:

Grzegorz Rasiak.

You may have not noticed, but if you muddle up the letters from his name, you can make an anagram that spells out:

'Selling Fredi Kanoute was the biggest mistake in the clubs history'

But  hey, what does it matter when the only signing you will be making for  the club in January is Mr Dom Perignon. He'll be playing upfront, in  your throat as you drink down bottle after bottle from money taken from  season ticket sells.

4th place does not give me a nosebleed.

I am not fooled, and neither are the supporters.

Half-way  through the season, and no evidence of progression. It sickens me. But  then, why am I surprised? Its a tradition isn't it?

Promise the  world, and deliver nothing. Newcastle at home tomorrow Mr Levy. Look out  for the 'fan' in the Park Lane End with the banner that


Well  thats it. Thats all I have to say. Do me the good fortune of answering  this time. And another thing, its not illegal to walk a dog in your  street at 2am in the morning, so theres no need to call the police every  time I do it.

Its a free bloody country.






Dear Mr Levy,

Lets see now. 9 points? Sounds familar. Let me  remind you. We had the same amount of points at the same point this time  last season. Guess what happened next? We lost 6 on the trot. You know  what needs to be done. Sack Martin Jol NOW and avoid this club being  dragged into the gutter again. Admit your mistake and save us from  another season of complete despair.

At the end of the day, we  need to be up there - neck and neck with Chelsea. Why? Because we demand  it. Sod progression and patience. I dont care if Jenas and Carrick have  only had two games together. I dont care if we practically have a new  set of players in the squad. I expect Champs League and I expect it  because I demand it. How dare you let West Ham United sit above us in  the league. This must mean that they are years ahead of us in  development. Christ knows how we plan to catch up to Charlton. I can see  why Luke Young left us for them now. I should have left Spurs for the  Valley too. Cheaper season tickets there.

I think everyone has  got carried away with the euphoria of Martin Jol. I blame that song the  Park Lane sing. Put a few words to a tune, and people get blindsided.

Lets  take the Villa game. 90 minutes of football. But this is good enough  for me to lay claim on the fact  that the likes of Jenas and Lee are  just not good enough. Jenas should be showing world class performances  at this stage in his Spurs career. Its a disgrace that he has failed to  fit in. And Lee was obviously out of his depth in the Champs League  which is the reason he demoted himself to a transfer to Spurs.

Dont  get me started on Rasiak. As supporters we should not have to be  patient. All this hogwash about him being nervous and adjusting to life  in the prem. Rubbish. Him wearing the colours of Spurs allows us our  god-given right to slag him off rather than encourage him. To be honest,  I dont think Jol has a clue with buying players. Myself...or any other  fan could do a better job. The fact that Jol is a manager and we are not  doesn't mean a thing.

And that Tainio is a over-rated crock of shit.

Fact is, you are as good as your last game....and to be honest, we are not that good.

Defoe  is useless. Missed a pen, and hit a shot against the bar when he should  have dinked it. Drop him. He is not good and has no class when it comes  to movement. Rather have Harewood. At least he scores hattricks.

Mr levy. Do the right thing. End this nightmare as quickly as possible.






Dear Mr Levy,

I am utterly perplexed at the current shambles of a  transfer policy we have at the club. Selling Fredi with no backup  striker in place is criminal, and offering your resignation would at  this point alleviate the distress you have caused. Maybe, as your final  act as chairman, you can fine Martin Jol for his incompetence for  allowing/sanctioning Fredi's move to La Liga.

I dont quite follow  the logic you are leading with currently. You are happy to loan out  Ziegler to Hamburg, but you wont transfer list the likes of Carrick, who  is not Glenn Hoddle and thus not a player we want at the club. Holding  midfielders are not sexy and do not play with their shirt hanging out.

Routledge is obviously injury prone, something your scouts should have picked up on.

I  also see we are seconds away from signing another leftback. Superb.  Maybe the leftback can play in central midfield as a creative outlet or  better still, up front as one of our 4 main strikers.

23,000  people have been sold down the river by purchasing a season ticket. You  played your hand well, like a seasoned Jedi. Well the mind tricks dont  work on me. You are more Darth Sidous than Ben Kenobi.

Chelsea  paid around £24M for Essien - so tell me, Mr Levy....why are we not  paying the bargain £10M for Jermiane Jenius? Well? Do you plan to hide  your pennies behind your sofa? Saving up for a rainy day?

You  have to speculate to accumulate. First rule of business. You must have  been smoking behind the bike shed the day that lecture got taught.

And  what of Dirk Kuyt? Are we not going to sign Holland's hottest property?  Or do you plan to unzip yourself and urinate into our faces by signing  Carlton Cole - the Anthony Gardner of Forwards.

No Kuyt, Mr Levy? If that's the case, you can suck my dirk.

You epitomise what's wrong with football chairmen. A self-absorbed egomaniac that is too greedy to part with his money.

Our money.

I  wish I supported a real club like Chelsea. At least they have class to  go alongside their money. We have Tottenham High Road...they have Kings  Road and helicopters.


I promise you, I can cripple the club. Its time you find the balls to help us score some goals.

Newcastle  want £10M for Jenas? Offer £12M so they cant say no. Give them Robbie  Keane on top if you like. We have no striker? Then re-mortgage the club,  and bid £15M + for Kuyt. We need a creative midfielder? Problem sorted  with the Gascoignesque Jenas.

There you go. I just did your job  for you, and I'm sitting here in boxer shorts with a coke and some  Pringles (cheese and onion).

The last time I gave you advice, I  told you to bid in excess of £10M for Andy Reid. You didn't act straight  away, and as the months passed - a stressed out Andrew Reid piled on  the pounds. We missed out on signing a slim version of the Orish wizard.  We got his fat cousin instead.

I'm going to sit down now with  mobile in hand, and I expect some text messages from the club announcing  the news I have outlined to you.

If not - I will march on WHL and my coup will be devastating for you and the other West Stand bourgeoisie.

Yours Very Serious,





Dear Mr Levy,

It's at times like this, I pray for Frankie  Anersen. He would not have sanctioned the move for Edgar 'I've only  played 50 games in 3 years' Davids.

I see why you did it of  course. You sold some shirts. Some rasta wigs. However, this signing is  akin to the Toda signing, which brought the odd Japanese fan to the  Lane.

Money. That's all you care about. And yet, ironically, you  are paying a crock of a player £50K per week. Yes, a crock. Not even fit  enough to face Portsmouth.

And yet, left right and centre, we are buying useless midfield players.

I'm  so angry about this. You bought Routledge, statistically last season,  the worst outfield player in the Prem. You bought Lennon, who I  'imagine' is going to take you on a magical mystery the  Coca-Cola league!

I'm sick of it, tbh.

Signing Davids is worst than NEARLY signing Rivaldo or Maradona.

You  have purchased a journey man who, in the long term will cost the club  hundreds and thousands for basically parading around in flashy  sunglasses whilst visiting the Lodge treatment room.

Its time for  me to burn my season ticket, and for you to quit the club. Maybe Ken  Bates will sell Leeds and buy us. At least with him, he wont go out and  buy shit players.

Yours Left on the Shelf,




Dear Chelsea,

Hello. I have CC'ed Daniel Levy into this letter, so that any confusion of timelines can be avoided.

Basically,  I feel that one or two things have to be said. Considering that you, as  a club, are always in the limelight, I felt one or two words from a  unbiased member of the footballing word should help to comfort any  worries you have about your image and profile.

There is, without  a shadow of a doubt, no doubt that Chelsea FC are the biggest  footballing institution in world football. This is because of your rich  tapestry of a history, reaching far back, way back to such events as the  1967 FA Cup final. Through the last century, although there was failure  in winning silverware every decade from the 1950's onwards - players of  today's generation want to join Chelsea because you are a 'big club'.  Prestigious. I laugh at people who suggest they want to sign up to you  because of the wages they could earn, and the instant fix of success as  you attempt to monopolise your way to glory. What do these idiots know?

The  fact of the matter is, Chelsea have fought hard to get where they  currently are. Any club who can fight off debts of £95M deserves credit.  And credit is due at Stamford Bridge. I think its amazing, that you can  go from crowds of less than 10,000 a decade and a bit ago - to winning  over brand new fans, who are now 100% Chelsea fanatics. Some people  would call them 'fair weather' fans or 'glory hunters'. I would call  them, true football fans who simply want to be associated with a winning  team.

I think its also unfair that some sections of the  footballing world and media state that what you guys are doing is 'bad  for football' and that you are 'buying glory'. Yes, can you believe  that? I don't think this is the case at all. How can it be? You haven't  actually bought any super-star signings. Surely this proves something.  Spending £24M on Drogba is simply an intent on 'getting your man'. I  mean, why spend his value (which is probably £5M) when you can spend  £24M? Its simple logic. It's like having a big cock. If you have a big  cock, you become a porn star and flash it around. You dont go out with  the girl next door, and shag her once per month.

I know some  people who even say that the title was won only because of Arsenals  inconsistency and Man Utd's demise. But I dont believe that.

And  what of all this 'tapping up' business? I believe that if you want to  hold talks with players of other clubs in public restaurants - then you  should. As the elequont Bobby Brown once sang:

"Its my prerogative, and I can do what I wanna do"

Its not like you are a small club struggling to understand how it is to behave like a great club.

You simply want your cake to eat it. All of it. And why not. Its yours to eat.

Players  of other clubs, should show no loyalty - and sign for you because you  can afford to outbid anyone - even Real Madrid. Therefore, this  instantly makes you better than anyone else. Ever. People who cant see  this should wipe the shit away from their eyes.

You are untouchable. Invincible.

That's  why Anersen has turned his back on Spurs. Because he has seen that the  challenge at Stamford Bridge is a huge one. And that any success there  will be something that warms the heart. I mean, lets look at Anersen for  a moment. He was set to quit the game, before Levy talked him into 3  years at the Lane. So, that's one season (+ wages) that he has got which  he wouldn't have got had he just quit. But then, why worry about what  people think of you if you can jump ship and earn three times as much  for three times less work?

I would? If someone headhunted me in  my field of work, why shouldn't I leave? Why should I show loyalty? Its  all about money isn't it? That's all that matters. Money. Nothing else.

Because  lets face it, working at a desk job is EXACTLY the same thing as being a  pro-footballer (or anything else in football) and working in an  industry where your decision doesn't just effect you - but also effects  hundreds and thousands of footballing fans.

Bah, I don't know....some people, hey?

So, be proud Chelsea FC. Because the underlying truth is that everyone loves you. From a hardcore Spurs fan; no hard feelings.

Anyways, must dash. I'm visiting a friend in Southend. He has a rowing boat. Its a social thing.






Dear Mr Levy,

Firstly, allow me to say how disgusted I am  regarding the 'no-show' of a 3rd signing - as promised by Sky Sports  News late yesterday evening.

The fact that you paraded an  ex-pompey player along with Carrick (someone we already knew we had  signed) makes me feel sick and cheated.

To rub salt in the wounds, Carrick has since come out and stated that he prefered to have joined our rivals from Woolwich.

Why hasnt the club not retracted these comments? Why hasnt Tottenham Hotspur FC not fined Micheal Carrick?


I  also expect a public apology from Mr Anersen who really needs to think  long and hard about how he conducts himself when selecting and bringing  targets to the club.

I expect a response to my email, ASAP.

thank you,


Dear Mr Levy,

At  the time of writing it is 20:35 and I find myself dejected. Where is  this alleged third signing that was promised to us by the media and  several 'insiders' that are privy to information concerning club  transfers?

I, along with all true Spurs fans, feel cheated that  you allowed false transfer information (call it 'gossip') to be leaked  from your office to help secure more ticket sales and superstore  revenue.

Manchester United and Newcastle United are currently attempting to purchase Wayne Rooney.

We, on the other hand, have done nothing in the transfer market.

I have to say, that you and the club are setting the record for the longest ever wait for a press conference in history.

When exactly is Andrew Reid going to sign for the club?

When is Arnersen going to start earning his wages?

If  you do not want chants of 'SACK THE BOARD' to be shouted out for a full  90 minutes on Saturday, I suggest you get pro-active and get busy in  the transfer market, otherwise I see us fighting for our lives with the  likes of Everton and Palace.

I find myself wishing that David Pleat was still at the club.

Please, do something right for once.


xxx (signed my full name)


Dear Mr Levy,

Well what a suprise and what a typical balls-up from the spurs board and management. Something we have come to expect over the years. Who says we are not consistent?

Former Spurs Great Joe Kinnear stated that we offered everything, including the kitchen sink - but not the £5M asking price.

What will you do Mr Levy, when Andrew Reid signs for Charlton or Villa and scores the goals that get them to the Champions league - and earns them £15M or so? Well? Does £5M sound too much for the best winger in Britian?

Once more we have shown 'chicken tactics' by pulling out of a deal because we are tight.

Andrew Reid is worth at least £18M in the current market, and in my opinion, we should bid at least £8M for him and give Forest Ricketts and Jackson.

If that doesnt do the trick, loan them Carrick for a season.

Start thinking about ambition, for gods sake! Do you want us to get relegated?

Because at the moment, I cant see anything other than relegation blues for us.

We have no width therefore we have no hope.


Thank you for turning us into a 'championship team'- coca-cola championship.


xxx (signed my full name)


Dear Mr Levy,

Once  again, I find myself dusting down the olde typewriter and composing you  a letter of controlled and sustained anger and frustration. I find  myself asking whether maybe you should consider employing me and placing  me in an office adjacent to yours so that I can shout out to you the  fears I share with hundreds and thousands of Spurs fans. That way, you  will stop yourself from making the mistakes you have thus far made.

I  am no longer concerned about the Anersen incident and the utter  humiliation you have bestowed on our club by pushing Frank away from  Spurs by not allowing him to buy quality quality players.

And  now, in almost a vengeful attack on him, you have sold his prized  signing. You have placed your ego ahead of the club and what's right  for it, to spite Frank. I find this repulsive. 

Thimothee Atouba is not just any other player.  He is not only the African left-sided Ronaldinho he, and this is far more important so please take a seat Mr Levy, if  you are of course standing, otherwise if you are sitting, please add  an extra pillow to that seat so that your comfort is to a maximum, Mr Atouba, is the epitome of Tottenham Hotspur.

Young, skillful and full of potential.

Yet, you see this as a disease, simply because he was signed by Frank.

To  make matters worse you seem to believe, along with the coaches, that  Erik Edman is a better player. I'm stunned. Did you not watch the way  Atouba goes forward compared to the iceberg (that never moves) Edman?

What next Mr Levy? No, wait. Let me answer that.

I  expect that we are about to sell many, if not all of the Anersen  signings and possible also kiss goodbye to King, Defoe and Keane.

All to be replaced with players aged 28 and upwards. Its experience Jol wants, and it looks like his wish is about to come true.

I  honestly believe that this is the lowest moment for me, as a Spurs fan.  To see the team Anersen built dismantled. And all because you are  angry, even though Chelsea paid you what you wanted. Selfish and greedy  are two words that come to mind.

We love entertainers at the Lane  and Atouba was exactly that. A brilliant player, with the ability to  take three times as long to beat one player than it usual would, but  boy, was it fantastic to watch.

Now we have Edman. Defensively  sound, consistent, seasoned international. Yawn yawn yawn. Anybody would  think we wanted to be reliable at the back.

I almost burnt my  season ticket today. Instead, I placed it under the grill until the  cover slightly began to melt. Be warned, that next time, it will be  microwaved.

I expect to see a superstar signed in the next few  weeks. But I know that my next Spurs Mobile text message will be telling  me that both Carrick and Defoe have moved on.

Thanks again, for turning the summer into a crock of shit for me and all other spurs fans.

I hate you.




Dear Mr Levy,

Well well well, here we are again. Seems that once more you have proven to be the ringmaster at the circus.

Frankie  Arnesen has turned his back on the club in a move that without doubt  has now killed Tottenhams chances of ever being a 'big club' again.

This is worst then when Keith left stating '...there use to be a football club here'.

If  Frankie made a comment, I'm sure it was something like 'I'm leaving to  go to a club that can provide me with a challenge, because money doesnt  interest me'.

I am shocked to the very foundations that you have not attempted to keep Frankie.

He is vital, he is imperative, he is Mr Tottenham Hotspur.

Who can we trust to buy young players now? Who? Well? Yeah, one.

There is not a single person in football who can come in and do the exact same thing.

I  mean do you know how much skill it takes to discover someone like  Ronaldo, who was in a World Cup squad, before he was discovered by  Arnesen? That takes skillability of the highest order. Something we have  now lost to Chelsea.

Arnesen was able to attract the best young players in Holland, second only to the young players at Ajax.

Thus, Arnesen is the best in his business.

You claim you are currently attempting to reach some kind of agreement with Chelsea?

Well, rather than attempting to get Parker in some kind of compensation deal how about doing what all Spurs fans want?

You need me to state it in black and white?

Offer Chelsea Defoe and King, and in return they will leave Frankie alone.

Our future depends on the only man in football who can unearth young raw talent.

Clubs like Man Utd and Arsenal have struggled over the years simply because they didn't have the skills of Frankie.

Do we want to end up like them? Of course not.

Defoe, King...and throw in Robbo as an after-thought.

For once, Mr Levy, be strong. It took ages to sign the £15M rated Andrew Reid. Don't take an age to make this decision.

I'll wait until you respond before I burn my season ticket.




Dear Mr Big-Football-Forum,

As Mr Levy doesn't have the decency to reply to my letters, I will write to you instead.

Hopefully, you will have the dutch-courage to respond. I'm in the mood to get some things off my chest.

Firstly,  what a great result on Monday. Thank god we didn't win. Had we got a  point or even beaten the Woolwich Arsenal we would have songs of 'You  lost the league at Highbury' etc. I'm glad to say that we wont be  sinking down to the pathetic levels the Gooner fans did by proclaiming  that they 'won the title at the lane' even though there was less chance  of them losing it at that point in the season than there is of Paris  Hilton walking into the room as I write this, and going down on me with  enthusiastic gulps.

2004 was nothing like 71. But we can't account for backwards-pikey 'humour'.

Anyways,  with our current 'London derby' record and the fact that Dial Square  hardly ever lose at their stench of a ground, it was highly improbable  we would cause an upset.

I mean, firstly, we have no playmaker.  No Ginola. No Gazza. And no Hoddle. But I'm sure Frank knows this. And  there are already rumours of a summer superstar signing in the making.  The man in the pub who knows the tea ladys half-brother ladyboy who  works in reception heard from uncle Bobs third cousin that a unnamed  Dutch player might be thinking about joining Tottenham if it means that  he will attract the attention of bigger European clubs.

Now, the boo-boys. You know the kind. The ones that shout out stuff like:

"Carrick, you West Ham c*nt!!"
"You're f*cking rubbish Carrick!"
"F*ck off back to West Ham, Carrick!"

They are so obviously true supporters, so I dont have a bad word to say about them.

Stephen Kelly should be sold, cause he is young and inexperienced - and I have no patience for players like him.

Andy Reid? Well, he has had his chance in the Premiership, so he needs to go. And no, I ain't talking about a fat farm.

And  as for Sean Davis, well, I refuse to accept that he was out injured for  an age. Drop him into the reserves and let him rot. How dare he not  reclaim his form yet! Disgraceful!

As for Europe? Well, sure it  might 'attract' players to the club, and the glory glory nights are very  much missed.....but do we have a squad to compete in both the  premiership and European football?

Of course we do. We are ready  to go all the way in the UEFA Cup and finish a good solid 12th in the  league as a consequence of the distraction.

We can conquer Europe the same way we conquered Palace and WBA.

I mean, Boro and Newcastle have had terrific seasons in Europe, and their league positions haven't suffered.
They ain't far off from being 'future champs league teams' either.

And  considering we don't have a team as young and as British and as  future-proof as someone like, mmmm, lets say Everton...then we  don't stand a chance of shocking everyone next season and taking that  4th spot.

So lets all kill ourselves if we dont make it to 7th this season.




Dear Mr Levy,

I  should not be shocked or surprised that Spurs failed miserably with  regards to the on/off transfer of wing-wizard Andrew Reid, no doubt  the finest player outside the Premiership. I expect a bigger club, such  as Charlton or Villa - or possibly a richer club such as Everton will  now look towards January 2005 with glee at the prospect of signing Reid  for a cut-price £5M (rather than the £10M+ he is worth).

Now,  you might think I am ungrateful. You may argue that you have spent money  this season and Frank Arnersen has negotiated well.

On paper, I would have to agree with you. 14 players brought into the club. That's practically a brand new squad.

But lets look at this closely for a moment. Player by player....

Paul Robinson - Was in goal when Leeds got relegated. The bloke is fat, which is a good indication he doesn't train well.

Sean  Davis - Struggled at Fulham (which should say it all). Has no bite to  be a out-and-out defensive midfielder and lacks the extra spark to be a  out-and-out creative midfielder.

Pedro Mendes - If this guy is so good, why isn't he a Portugal regular?

Erik Edman - A decent player. Will probably hand in a transfer request in the summer.

Noureddine Naybet - This guy is 39 years old. FFS, is this what you mean by re-building???

Thimothee  Atouba - Clumsy player, who should be playing in defence not  left-midfield. Andrew Reid should have been the investment, not this  nobody.

Edson Silva Sousa - A Nationwide player. A good buy, if  we think ahead as we prepare to come straight back up to the premiership  next season.

Michael Carrick - Matt Etheringtons playmate. A  player who hasn't done anything for 3 years. Apart from growing a  mullet. Tell me, why are we buying a player on possible potential? This  guy isnt even the poor mans Joe Cole. He's the poor mans Vinny  Samways.

Noe Pamarot - A player who went on strike to get a  transfer. An obvious mercenary. Had we not forced Stevie Carr out of the  club, we would have saved money here.

Calum Davenport - Who?  Suddenly out of nowhere we buy him and he instantly becomes 'one of the  best young talents in England'. Please, spare me the propaganda. This  kid is a nobody. He played for Coventry, ffs.

Rodrigo Defendi - A  Brazilian Defender. An oxymoron if I have ever seen one. I cant wait to  see the headlines: "Defendi cant defend".

Marton Fulop - His name is pronounced 'FLOP'. You really *are* taking the piss, arent you Mr Levy?

Reto  Ziegler - Another left-winger who isn't Andrew Reid. Swiss ace? If he  really was a brilliant brilliant teenager - he would have joined  A*senal.

Leigh Mills - Another 'brilliant potential'. Probably  bought to keep the likes of Owen Price and Michael Malcolm company on  the reserve team bench.

So, 14 players in - and not a single signing can be proclaimed as great.

Where  is a 'Klinsmann'? Where is our 'Dumitrescu'? Where is the £11M Rebrov  style capture to excite the fans? None of these signings will appear on  the back of my shirt.

The only thing that will appear on the back of my shirt is:

"WE WANT OUR TOTTENHAM BACK!" - and don't think for a minute I'll get those letters printed at the Spurs Superstore!

We  have bought a bunch of players that might be good in 5 years time. And a  bunch of players that were good 5 years ago. Tell me, are we aiming for  mid-table dominance?

Now I know what you might say: "We are 4th"

Well, so what.

We  scored a lucky goal against Liverpool, and had Owen played in that game  we no doubt would have lost. We scored a fluke against Newcastle. Any  half-decent team would have beaten WBA and against the Brummies we got  lucky. Again.

We cant even score 2 goals in a game.

Already, the whispers in the Park Lane End would suggest we are on the verge of a crisis.

And what do you do?


Theres a 3 year waiting list for A*senal season tickets. I might just place my name down. If you don't want several thousand Spurs fans doing the same thing, then I expect you to act.

Yours Wishing,

XXX (signed my name and included my mobile number, in case Mr Levy wants to personally contact me and discuss my email)


Dear Chelsea,

Hello. I have CC'ed Daniel Levy into this letter, so that any confusion of timelines can be avoided.

Basically,  I feel that one or two things have to be said. Considering that you, as  a club, are always in the limelight, I felt one or two words from a  unbiased member of the footballing word should help to comfort any  worries you have about your image and profile.

There is, without a  shadow of a doubt, no doubt that Chelsea FC are the biggest footballing  institution in world football. This is because of your rich tapestry of  a history, reaching far back, way back to such events as the 1967 FA  Cup final. Through the last century, although there was failure in  winning silverware every decade from the 1950's onwards - players of  today's generation want to join Chelsea because you are a 'big club'.  Prestigious. I laugh at people who suggest they want to sign up to you  because of the wages they could earn, and the instant fix of success as  you attempt to monopolise your way to glory. What do these idiots know?

The  fact of the matter is, Chelsea have fought hard to get where they  currently are. Any club who can fight off debts of £95M deserves  credit. And credit is due at Stamford Bridge. I think its amazing, that  you can go from crowds of less than 10,000 a decade and a bit ago - to  winning over brand new fans, who are now 100% Chelsea fanatics. Some  people would call them 'fair weather' fans or 'glory hunters'. I would  call them, true football fans who simply want to be associated with a  winning team.

I think its also unfair that some sections of the  footballing world and media state that what you guys are doing is 'bad  for football' and that you are 'buying glory'. Yes, can you believe  that? I dont think this is the case at all. How can it be? You haven't  actually bought any super-star signings. Surely this proves something.  Spending £24M on Drogba is simply an intent on 'getting your man'. I  mean, why spend his value (which is probably £5M) when you can spend £24M? Its simple logic. It's like having a big cock. If you have a  big cock, you become a porn star and flash it around. You dont go out  with the girl next door, and shag her once per month.

I know some  people who even say that the title was won only because of Arsenals  inconsistency and Man Utd's demise. But I dont believe that.

And  what of all this 'tapping up' business? I believe that if you want to  hold talks with players of other clubs in public restaurants - then you  should. As the elequont Bobby Brown once sang:

"Its my prerogative, and I can do what I wanna do"

Its not like you are a small club struggling to understand how it is to behave like a great club.

You simply want your cake to eat it. All of it. And why not. Its yours to eat.

Players  of other clubs, should show no loyalty - and sign for you because you  can afford to outbid anyone - even Real Madrid. Therefore, this  instantly makes you better than anyone else. Ever. People who cant see  this should wipe the shit away from their eyes.

You are untouchable. Invincible.

That's  why Anersen has turned his back on Spurs. Because he has seen that the  challenge at Stamford Bridge is a huge one. And that any success there  will be something that warms the heart. I mean, lets look at Anersen for  a moment. He was set to quit the game, before Levy talked him into 3  years at the Lane. So, that's one season (+ wages) that he has got  which he wouldn't have got had he just quit. But then, why worry about  what people think of you if you can jump ship and earn three times as  much for three times less work?

I would? If someone headhunted me  in my field of work, why shouldn't I leave? Why should I show  loyalty? Its all about money isn't it? That's all that matters.  Money. Nothing else.

Because lets face it, working at a desk job  is EXACTLY the same thing as being a pro-footballer (or anything else in  football) and working in an industry where your decision doesn't just  effect you - but also effects hundreds and thousands of footballing  fans.

Bah, I dont know....some people, hey?

So, be proud Chelsea FC. Because the underlying truth is that everyone loves you. From a hardcore Spurs fan; no hard feelings.

Anyways, must dash. I'm visiting a friend in Southend. He has a rowing boat. Its a social thing.




Dear Mr Levy,

It's  at times like this, I pray for Frankie Anersen. He would not have  sanctioned the move for Edgar 'I've only played 50 games in 3 years'  Davids.

I see why you did it of course. You sold some shirts.  Some rasta wigs. However, this signing is akin to the Toda signing,  which brought the odd Japanese fan to the Lane.

Money. That's  all you care about. And yet, ironically, you are paying a crock of a  player £50K per week. Yes, a crock. Not even fit enough to face  Portsmouth.

And yet, left right and centre, we are buying useless midfield players.

I'm  so angry about this. You bought Routledge, statistically last season,  the worst outfield player in the Prem. You bought Lennon, who I  'imagine' is going to take you on a magical mystery the  Coca-Cola league!

I'm sick of it, tbh.

Signing Davids is worse than NEARLY signing Rivaldo or Maradona.

You  have purchased a journey man who, in the long term will cost the club  hundreds and thousands for basically parading around in flashy  sunglasses whilst visiting the Lodge treatment room.

Its time for  me to burn my season ticket, and for you to quit the club. Maybe Ken  Bates will sell Leeds and buy us. At least with him, he wont go out and  buy shit players.

Yours Left on the Shelf,



From 2004


25 jul 2004 (having lost to sheff utd in pre-season)


25 jul 2004


25 jul 2004


25 jul 2004


asked who has wound me up:


28 jul 2004 (whilst up against rangers at ibrox)


f**ks SAKE 










31 jul 2004 (playing @ forest)