Dear Mr Levy, 

I thought I'd share with you these handy tips on how to conduct business in relation to potential transfer activity that might befall us during this summer time period. I know that we seek to be more decisive and efficient, after-all, you appointed Franco Baldini to assist yourself and our coach Andre Villas-Boas. But if you still own responsibility of contract negotiations, I'm thinking you need some proper support  when aiming to conclude a deal.

I hope you find this insightful and if you wish to out-source, my services are available.

 

Scouting players 

No point in Franco wasting time replacing a scouting system that already works. Simply open up a multitude of web browser tabs and social media apps linking to Sky Sports News, news feeds and club message boards along with the Twitter time-lines of a variety of sports journalists and ITK accounts, scanning for any players Arsenal and Liverpool are interested in. Lodge bids for the players you discover. The players will never sign for our rivals because: 

  • They will be rejected by Arsenal as 'not being good enough for their first team' 
  • Liverpool will pull out of any potential bid because 'if they're not good enough for Barcelona, they're not good enough for us'
  • In addition: Arsenal were never seriously interested in X player. It's always a Wenger mind-trick to deflect attention whilst they go for their real target

For examples of players signed using this method, see: Dempsey, Lloris, Vertonghen, Holtby, Paulinho

 

Prioritise players for key areas that need revitalising 

I think therefore I am - Rene Descartes

We are a football team therefore we need a striker - Four million Tottenham supporters

 

When making a bid for a player:

  • Remove the calender reminder to make all bids in final hour of transfer window
  • When faxing through the offer, do not accompany it with a :trollface: meme
  • Do not send Chirpy to meet the player/agent/chairman during any protracted talks. You might look dapper in a fitted suit. A cartoon cockerel will never look dapper in a fitted suit
  • If a player is owned by a third-party, give yourself plenty of room to negotiate...say three years
  • Draw up a list of emergency players (just in case we need to do last minute business) and add to summer transfer window spreadsheet
  • Draw up a list of main targeted players (just in case we want to compete) and scribble it on a used post-it note and leave it opposite your favourite toilet cubical seat at White Hart Lane so you can contemplate fiscal strategy in peace
  • Courtesy flush for any ITK's in the vanity of said cubical

 

When attempting to sell a player:

  • Do not tag every 'transfer listed' player with a £10M asking price
  • Actually, transfer listing them in the first place would help
  • Let go of the old 'Buy young British players, sell them for profit' mantra when dealing with any player that isn't called 'Gareth Bale'
  • Ebay is not a tried and tested method for selling footballers

 

When discussing payment methods do not suggest:

  • Delivery of money by carrier pigeon or 'those crows in Game of Thrones'
  • Monthly instalments paid in shillings, bit-coins or World of Warcraft currency
  • Request opposing club pay us for taking the player off their hands and thus lightening their load
  • Joe Lewis has buried treasure in the Bahamas and that you have a map pointing to the exact location you'd like to swap


 Etiquette guide to 'special relationship' clubs

  • Allow Madrid to persist in their chase for Gareth Bale with the knowledge that both parties know the deal will not go through this summer, in order to allow us to look strong in holding onto our best player and for Madrid to not lose face as 'biggest club in the world'
  • Sell Bale the following summer for the already 'agreed fee in principle' with Madrid that isn't anywhere near the £80M valuation, thus making Madrid look like they've got Bale on the cheap having 'stitched us up'
  • Spend the Bale transfer money on 'first option' Madrid reserve players
  • In return, we can tell everyone we are 'linked' with Real Madrid allowing us to 'swap ideas and stuff' 
  • Continue fallacy of interest in Internacional striker Leandro Damiao by doing nothing and saying nothing. Leandro Damiao doesn't actually exist and is simply a contractual obligation between Spurs and Inter to give the impression we have a long standing striker target whilst they send us the best of their youth players to 'bed into' European life*

*Youth players sent over from Brazil currently in frozen embryonic form

 

Announcing deals to the supporters 

  • Hold onto any news until the very last second to antagonise all concerned
  • Get the web guy to add holding pages that the 'server is down' to further antagonise all, more so when the site returns with no new announcements
  • When the medical is complete and the deal is practically done and dusted, tell his agent/and the club we're dealing with that we require the player to complete all of LucasArts Monkey Island series back to back without food or water as a test of mental and physical endurance before finally unveiling the player to the fans and media

 

Dealing with 'club insider' links 

Leave fake dossier and boardroom memo documents in a folder labelled: FOR DANIEL LEVYS EYES ONLY - TOP SECRET TRANSFER INFO INSIDE at the following locations:

  • Any given tree in the surrounding area of Hotspur Way
  • Jim Whites letterbox
  • A playground just before half-term
  • Reception at WHL
  • At home, when the plumber or electrician visits

Within the dossier, include factually correct transfer targets. As we're unlikely to sign any of them it won't make a blind bit of difference either way and ITK's will be accused of delusional fantasy leaving you free to work on the next list of players for the next window.

 

Yours Sincerely,

Spooky

 

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