Tottenham set for relegation if they appoint Andre Villas-Boas

Guest blog by Daily Express journalist and rreporter Colin Mafham

 

Tottenham Hotspur are on the verge of a cataclysmic black hole that will systematically suck their history, past present and future, to oblivion crushing all hopes to ever aspire to bettering the Harry Redknapp era at White Hart Lane.

The suggestions are the former Chelsea flop, Andre Villas-Boas, will take the job in a futile attempt to improve his own damaged beyond repair career having only previously enjoyed moderate success at Porto. Club captain Ledley King is holding emergency talks currently with the intention to strike once Spurs unveil their new Christian Gross. The supporters are hoping Villas-Boas has enough credit on his Oyster Card to find his way back home from N17 after what many expect to become a disastrous second season in England, one that sends Spurs spiralling back down to midtable.

King (according to our club insiders) will not be offered a new contract and will be kicked out of the club by Villas-Boas as his first act as Spurs boss. The suggestion is Villas-Boas plans to damage King's only working knee to make sure the player retires from the game completley. Also, all squirrels will be hunted down and killed at Tottenham's new training ground because Villas-Boas is pure pure evil and hates anything fluffy and furry. Which doesn't bode will for Tom Huddlestone who will be ordered to shave off his afro (grown for charity) because Villas-Boas is rotten to the core. The sixteen year old Portuguse manager with no experience in the game also enjoys to **** in your bowl of corn-flakes if given the chance.

Spurs fans on Twitter are outraged and are calling for the club to roll back and reappoint club legend Harry Redknapp. One fans claims, "I've never heard of this Villas-Boas" whilst another commented, "He looks like a serial-killer". There are also suggestions that Villas-Boas purposely lost his job at Chelsea to take the Spurs job in order to sabotage the club, with his former employee Roman Abramovich financing the conspiracy. There's no evidence to suggest this but I'm fairly certain it's the truth.

Nico Kranjcar and Vedran Corluka have already deserted the sinking ship and pivotal players dos Santos and the brilliant David Bentley are writing up their transfer requests as we speak.

Regardless, chairman Daniel Levy is pushing ahead with signing players without the consent or knowledge of the new manager, suggesting there is already trouble at the mill. Had Levy retained the services of Redknapp, with the players Harry would have signed, Spurs would have achieved the position Harry would have got at the end of the season against all odds and punching above their weight.

A demonstration is planned later on today by journalists and sports editors.