Dear Mr Levy,
What has become of us? After years of restraining orders and home invasions, I find myself somewhat isolated. On this occasion I am not outside your mansion hiding in the shrubbery, neither am I following you on one of your jaunts to the local supermarket or using my night vision goggles to watch your wife shower. No. I'm sat at home in front of my pc monitor and I type this without threat of a legal violation that a judge might frown upon. I do this not because I am weak or have surrendered the fight. How many times can a man protest in the same way before he becomes a monument to himself?
Do not misunderstand me. If I so wish to claim back old traditions I will be more than comfortable to strip naked save for a bagel to hide my blushes, and proceed to handcuff myself to a turnstile in protest. I still have that in me. Why only yesterday I waterboarded Chirpy. Why? Simply because I could. But still, here I am. At peace. Microsoft Word and my thoughts. No rage against the machine here just gentle gesturing and an electronic cuddle. Hopefully these poignant paragraphs will entertain you or perhaps inspire confidence in some way.
I had grand plans to anger up the blood and lay waste to the catastrophic season that we have only just left behind. I could so easily rape and pillage my way through 20k words of ranting, spewing vengeance and disparaging rhetoric with my contempt and disdain subtly shining through the cracks of the wall you will attempt to build in defence as I come charging towards you. But what would that achieve exactly? So rather than just point the finger and once more highlight where you’ve gone wrong I’m going to attempt to add a more positive spin to it. I’m offering you a solution to the problem at hand. From one Tottenham fan to another Tottenham fan.
Harry Redknapp. We appear to be stuck with him for another season. No compensation is forthcoming as the England job has long since passed. So if he left now you’d have to fork out the less enticing ilk of compensation, the one that goes the opposite direction from your wallet. Next season’s success is dependent on what we do in the transfer window before it closes. Between now and then we’ll know if we’ll be able to sustain another challenge. Considering we need a number of players to come in and a few to go out, that’s a monumental amount of business that needs doing in the space of three months. No dithering or indecisiveness can be part of this process. Agreed?
The problem with Redknapp is that he’s short term. Even though he has been with us a number of seasons it feels like we are reacting to each new season as if it’s the first we’ve had under him. There is no longevity in our plans. This is best illustrated by the lack of money spent in the transfer market for arguably key positions. Theorise away what might have happened had we bolstered the squad with top drawer quality rather than older bit-part squad players. But then you might have been saving up the war chest for when Redknapp walked. Which he hasn’t done. So, are we left not speculating for another season or do you take the initiative and sign players that the next manager can easily work with? Or do we continue to pluck away using the prior template that involves the both of you not seeing eye to eye on potential signings?
The other issue with Redknapp is that he’s reactive to whatever is happening at any given time, adapting his soundbites to fit into whatever position we happen to be in. Contenders, title contenders, top three, top four, fifth etc. There are more contradictions and hypocrisy to be found with our manager than there is with any politician. It’s like having a captain of a ship pretending to guide his crew to a far gone land, except when he looks down all he sees is a broken compass.
“If we keep going that way, we’ll hit land soon enough”
Blag. Hope. No drilled hard thought strategy. We've got a ship, we've got a crew, that's all you need to sail right? If we sink, that's not the captains fault. It's because we're Tottenham and we always sink. The blame firmly detached from the captain because the vessel is jinxed and has struggled to brave the waters in the past. Blame the owner that supplied the ship and the people back home wishing them luck on their voyage. It's their fault for desiring new land to be discovered and conquered.
We want Francis Drake. We've got Captain Birdseye.
That’s not to say he hasn’t done good. Redknapp that is (Birdseye has done wonders for my dinners). It’s not to say he isn’t a good manager. Look at the clubs above us, the money they have and the amount of years of experience they all share being in the same competitive positions year after year. Do we honestly think this is an easy achievement to be had? But then if the captain took a little more time to plan things out, fix the compass and navigate around the storms...
...then again, is that a pirate flag I see hoisted?
Fact remains, Redknapp has to be backed and be told clearly the objectives the club has, that’s your responsibility Mr Chairman. If he stays, there's no point everyone saying he's not committed if we're equally not committed. If it means we have to work with the short term ethics of Redknapp then back him in the short term by landing long term players that will outlive his managerial appointment and throw in a cheap signing, the type he likes to make to keep him happy. He doesn’t have a choice in the matter, make that so, if he doesn’t like it he can walk.
The stats don’t lie. During your tenure, has there been a more successful Spurs manager? In recent memory has there been one blessed with such a solid graceful squad of players? Have we played with such swashbuckle and assurance in the past decade as we do now? There will be no court case next season. No debate about England. Hopefully no heart palpitations other than the ones in the stands. So another season might prove to be the very best this manager can offer us, especially after so many harsh lessons learnt this past term. It might even give him the right amount of fire in his belly to once more prove people wrong. If it's better than 4th spot, then we're hardly going to complain. Unlike now. We're complaining now. It's strange, all these seasons in midtable, and we're...I can't wrap my head around what I'm meant to be feeling. Am I disappointed or not? Are we under-achieving? If so, compared to what? To the past or the immediate past we carved out from playing so well? Isn't this as good as we've ever had it? Isn't that enough..?
You need to...you need to...give him another chance. Yes...another...another...No...No...FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Who the f*** am I kidding here? I can’t do this.
GET RID OF THE CLOWN AND GET RID OF HIM NOW! We’re a shambles! Look it up in the dictionary. Shambles, picture of Tottenham being shambolic. It's what we are! We could have won the league man, the league! Yet we watched it disappear in a blink of an eye because our striker wasn’t born an inch taller! Who makes this s*** up? We gain a 10 point lead then we lose it, then we get ourselves back into a position where it’s in our hands and we choke up again. To add insult to injury an ex-player lets in three soft goals and Chelsea (the club Redknapp wanted to see beat Barcelona) win the Champions League final and we’re left looking into the abyss that is the summer wondering if Modric is going to be sold and whether we’re going to take the entirety of the three months to flirt with the idea of signing someone before giving Jenas a one year extension on his contract. I won't even go anywhere near the capitulation at the swamp.
I’m sick of this nightmare! Why can't I wake up man? Why can't I wake up? Am I awake or asleep? If I'm awake I want to sleep. If I'm dreaming I don't want to risk reality being worse than this so I'd prefer to have dreamless sleep. A coma. Do people dream in comas? How about if I'm knocked unconscious. Will I dream if I'm knocked out? Someone please knock me out!
I can’t take this pressure any more. Just sell Modric for £40M. Sell Bale for £40M. That’s £80M right there. Luka doesn’t score goals so what exactly is the point in using him as some form of statement of intent that we won’t be bullied into selling our ‘best players’. Defoe has been engaged more times that Luka has found the net, ffs. The bloke is over-rated. His image rights are hardly worth a thing. Take a look at him! Who cuts his hair? A DeLorean with keys to a 1970s barber shop?
“Oh look I’m Luka and when I get the ball I turn and pass it out to another player”
Amazing. We’re building our team around a player than can pass a ball that doesn't even want to be here. Astonishing stuff. What next? Loan a player that can kick a ball really hard and fast towards goal? Maybe in ten years time we'll buy us one of them. Or we just wait for Harry Kane to turn thirty.
£40M for someone who can recycle possession. Other clubs must be green with envy. I blame him for not qualifying for the Champions League.
As for Gareth. Well, he’s finished. His ego has consumed his talent. He had that one decent game in Milan and that was that. He thinks he’s Ronaldo, have you seen that? Have you seen him do his Ronaldo impression? You know, the copyrighted move where he sort of floats away from the left and roams into the middle and into space? No other player does that. That’s a blatant trademark infringement and to be frank this also cost us Champions League. Had he stayed on the left in every single game played we’d have finished 3rd or better, what with all the crosses he would have supplied for our forward line attacking the box with intent. Such wasted intent.
Who else? Adebayor. He can’t trap or control a ball, his first touch is awful. In a match he might control the ball say 25 times but the 3 times he doesn’t? Christ, he hasn’t got a clue! It’s in those 3 occasions where he fails that's where we lose the game. Who cares about the goals he does score and the assists he gets. He doesn't always quite control the ball! He’s as responsible as Bale and Luka is for our failure. And he’s your failure, a testament to not splashing out the money for a long term forward.
And he’s a gooner. So is Gallas. Two key players in key positions both accountable and yet we wonder why we fail when we have players that do not have Lilywhite blood. The ones we do have in Lilywhite are not good enough when the team is failing. When we're doing well it's because that's how we're meant to be doing and if we're blipping it's because neither of you know what you're doing. I know these things, I read Twitter, so many unified voices can't be wrong. You're meant to do the opposite of what you do when you get it wrong before you get it wrong so you don't get it it wrong but get it right. Why can't you embrace hindsight once in a while?
And God forbid you spend that potential £80M on any new young world class players. How about you stick it into the NDP fund and we can sit back for another ten years whilst you and Haringey tickle each other’s bums. We’ve got no strikers, did you notice that? You’re going to sign a Belgian centre-back that nobody has ever seen play aside from You Tube clips but everyone is desperate to see signed just because he’s got a fancy name and isn't bad looking. In the mean time, David Bentley and Gio dos Santos are still star-jumping their way around the club earning thousands for what exactly? Fringe players? I’m going to try that at work, being a fringe player.
“Hi boss. What? No, no. I’m not going to do much work today. Perhaps an hour or so, nothing spectacular. I’m sure you’ll be disappointed with my output. I’m now going outside for a smoke, I’ll be six hours”
Money you do spend is spent on the likes of Pienaar and Khumalo for the sake of selling a few shirts in South Africa to cover the cost of importing prime meat into the club for the executive box five course meals. Does Khumalo actually exist? I tried to scan an image of his face with that Autonomy software thing but got nothing back from it. I claim he is nothing but a PR marketing ploy created by an out-sourced graphic designer to give the illusion of profit being spent on players. One for the future, right? Sure, whatever, maybe this will also be the year Jenas finally comes of age.
You are ruining our chances by hiding behind this fallacy of being a great chairman just because we compete on accountancy when our revenue and capacity is so much lower than so many other clubs. Stop hiding behind circumstance of stature. Why haven’t you sacked Redknapp for showing fragmented loyalty and disrespect? Why do you continue to employee a mascot that has a crack problem and deals in the stands on match-days?
When Redknapp does get his way, he signs Parker. Then proceeds to play him in every single game. Do you know why he burnt out towards the end of the season? Redknapp had him doing odd jobs all over the place. Chauffeuring to and from Sandbanks. Painting and decorating. Landscape gardening. Doesn't stop working that Parker, great work ethic, but Christ...give the man a rest!
And as for Harry Redknapp himself, again I ask, why has a man that persists in palming off responsibility onto you still receive monthly pay cheques for his services? You’re paying him to blame you for everything that goes wrong. I’m not even sure Redknapp actually works for Spurs. I think he just turns up at training, walks around a bit on the touchline and then drives in and out of the car park to make it look like he’s being kept busy. He’s got Sky Sports News fooled with a simple roll down of the car window. He’s kept the façade up for so long you’ve just let it naturally play out. I'm right, aren't I? Ha! I knew it! It’s mental, utterly utterly mental.
Perhaps almost as mental as Fulop being paid off by a betting syndicate to throw the match at WBA. But that is ridiculous. We all know that is not the case. Far more likely you paid him off so that we would miss out on Champions League. My evidence? The fact that you’ve not written a letter to UEFA to attempt to force a rejuvenated precedence of complaint for them only allowing four English clubs into the competition. You losing your touch? No, never. It’s part of your game plan. Keep long suffering Spurs long suffering because it means you can counter all the cries for money to be spent with reasoned calm that we have to be fiscally careful due to loss of revenue. All softly softly slowly slowly making sure the ENIC investment isn't spunked on the risk that comes with pushing for progression. I’ve got you sussed out.
I lied Mr Levy. I’m not at home.
You heard me, I lied. Like you lie. We've got more in common than just our bald heads. I’m in your study, I'm using your lap top to type this letter. Earlier I used your downstairs toilet. I didn't flush. I had a curry last night. You do the math. That's right, I've broken into your house again. Screw the British justice system. I’m also naked. I'm sweating too. You'll have to have the place fumigated. Send me the bill, see if I care. Why am I naked? Because I can be. I do what I want. And yes, that's one of Chirpy's in the open pack of Chocolate Fingers. You'll work it out when you dunk it into your tea. Chicken and Earl Grey don't mix well. There's no escaping me Mr Levy.
By the way, technically speaking, I'm not actually completely naked. I'm wearing your socks. Well, one of them. You get the picture. Literally. I've sent you a text.
My blood is angered Mr Levy. Do something, prove to us you're in control.
I have to go now. Before I leave I’m going to drag my backside along the carpet like a dog does when its got worms. Because I too have worms. Worms of disillusion, eating away at this ring of fire that burns me so deep. No cream to soothe the heinous pain. Pain you have caused. We're all left scratching our backsides whilst you don't even come close to scratching the surface.
Yours betrayed once more,