Conference room 23.
Famine - I'm struggling with the character development of Alfie in Eastenders. I don't get why he persists with Kat and her flaky antics.
Pestilence - Sorry what? Eastenders? Don't watch it. I'm more a TOWIE man myself.
War - Great. So whilst you two are busy watching tv I'm getting my arse handed to me on Call of Duty. You two do understand the concept of a clan, right?
Death - Can we settle down please? I'll be taking the minutes.
Pestilence - Do we need to refer to the previous agenda?
Death - No, no. This is an emergency meeting to discuss the Tottenham Hotspur situation. Gentleman, I'm afraid its all gone a little pear-shaped. Famine, take the floor please.
Famine - Yes, well if you would all look towards this power-point presentation you'll see some quite horrific stats.
Pestilence - Is that a Mac book?
Famine - Yeah, it is.
Pestilence - I thought you had an iPad.
Famine - I do. But that's more for Angry Birds and music; David Guetta, Pitbull, One Direction...
Pestilence - Cool. I'm digging that Lana del Rey chick at the minute. Very brooding. What's that app that allows you to stream music?
Death - *cough* Can we please move onwards with the presentation gentleman.
Famine - Yes, so, what we have here is a rather disconcerting trend that shows Tottenham's continued progression under Harry Redknapp. Champions League, followed by 5th and now currently sitting in the top three of the Premier League.
Pestilence - Any chance we can get Jenas recalled?
Death - I'm afraid that's a no. Simply not possible. He's contract working at present.
Pestilence - Shame. I preferred it when we were the Fab Five. Good times, good times.
Famine - Concerning these stats, in terms of output, you'll see I've done us much as I can possibly do with Adebayor.
Death - Good work there, it's not gone unnoticed.
War - It's not deterred them though. He might not be scoring, but Tottenham hardly ever lose games.
Famine - Yeah, well...we all know why that's the case, don't we?
War - What?
Famine - Nothing.
War - No go on, put down those Jaffa Cakes for a minute and just let it all go. You obviously want to say something.
Famine - Just that if it wasn't for you dropping the ball in the summer we wouldn't have the difficulties we currently have.
Pestilence - Here we go again...
War - What difficulties exactly?
Famine - Look, all I'm saying is, I did my job within the structured time-lines outlined in the business case submitted prior to season 2012. I meet all my objectives.
War - What and I didn't?
Famine - Sorry, someone please confirm to me. Does Luka Modric play for Chelsea? Is Scott Parker rubbish?
War - Come on, I stirred up enough in the summer. I went above and beyond my remit. Try working with the Daily Mail before you get all high and mighty about meeting objectives. I pulled all the strings I could get my hands on to engineer a move. That Daniel Levy obviously has contacts high up.
Pestilence - Can I have a Jaffa Cake?
Famine - If you weren't so busy drinking with your mates instead of putting in the extra hours.
Pestilence - I'll just take one then...
War - Extra hours? I do over-time all the time. Have you seen my travel expenses? I'm a busy man and if I want a cheeky pint with John or Luis then that's my business. I'm allowed a social life.
Famine - Just admit you were distracted on this one.
War - I oversee a variety of work buddy. I don't get distracted. You keep plodding along with your nonsensical roadmap whilst the big boys do the big jobs.
Famine - You know what, screw you and by the way, what is that exactly?
War - What?
Famine - That.
War - It's a bow tie.
Famine - A bow tie?
War - Yes.
Famine - Jesus wept.
Pestilence - Where? What? Again?
Death - Can we get back to the main agenda please people.
War - There's nothing wrong with bow ties. I'll stick to fashion and corruption of man whilst you stick to overseeing the transfer window.
Famine - I've got two words for you: Nelsen. Saha.
Pestilence - Got to admit, that was a great touch.
Famine - Thank you.
War - Yes, yes. Okay. Whatever. They wanted gold and you gave them rust. Give yourself a medal.
Death - Enough! Please, everyone quiet down for a moment. It's obvious we have to be more decisive here. Long term implementations are not as fruitful as the forecast outlined and we are running out of time.
Pestilence - Guys, guys, hold up, hold up...this isn't good news. I've just checked my Twitter time-line.
Death - If it's Piers wanting his old job back, tell him he's got no chance. I've been made director.
Pestilence - No, no. It's...haha, laugh out loud!
Death - What?
Pestilence - Oh, no, its something else I've just seen. Someone just #FF me and it's Wednesday!
Famine - Laugh out loud!
Death - What was the first tweet.
Pestilence - Oh yeah, that. Redknapp has been found not guilty.
Death - What? How did this happen?
War - Why is everyone looking at me?
Pestilence - Did you not deal with the jury? You we're meant to deal with the jury.
War - That wasn't my task. Surely that's your responsibility?
Pestilence - Yes, normally, but you agreed to support me. You know I spend most of my time down at the Emirates these days.
War - Are you sure you had me pencilled in to cover you?
Pestilence - Mate, check you Outlook calender.
War - It's not there its...oh. It's there.
Famine - I rest my case. Amateur.
War - You know what, I've had enough of your BS. It's not my fault Outlook didn't pop up the calender reminder. How am I meant to know if I don't get the pop-up?
Pestilence - You have that problem too?
War - This laptop belonged to you before it was handed to me. IT gave me this when I lost my Blackberry in Acapulco just after you started working from home.
Pestilence - Doesn't look like they fixed it before handing it over. Acapulco?
War - They have nice beaches.
Famine - Textbook. This is exactly like the time when Inter were four nil up and you feel asleep. Remember what happened that night?
War - I was on a double-shift. I was tired. It was four flipping nil! And let's be honest here, that match was meant to be your responsibility.
Famine - I had the flu.
Death - SILENCE! I have to report into my direct line later. I need to take something into that meeting, something positive. Has anyone got any suggestions?
War - There is something we could do.
Death - Go on.
War - It's not strictly within company policy.
Pestilence - Oh God. You're going to suggest the locusts.
War - No.
Pestilence - Plague?
War - No, enough with the old skool.
Pestilence - We've got no budget left for the Biblical stuff anyway.
Famine - What then?
War - This will knock them for six. Devastate Tottenham Hotspur once and for all. Their season will spiral out of control in the aftermath and we can finally close this off.
Death - Go on...
War - We're going to remove Harry Redknapp from the Tottenham job once and for all.
Two weeks later.
Conference room 23.
Death - What happened?
Famine - This is monumental, it really is.
Pestilence - It's screwed up England though.
Famine - England are always screwed up. They don't need to be any more screwed up. Anyone can handle that account. We've got interns looking after it ffs.
Death - What happened?
War - What particular detail are we referencing?
Death - The detail concerning removing Harry Redknapp once and for all.
War - Oh that. Look, soz and all, but things happen, you know.
Famine - Things happen?
War - It's obviously Outlook again, this time it's that forsaken spell checker. Gone and corrected my spelling when it wasn't necessary. Got me all confused.
Famine - Spell checker? You're blaming spell checker?
War - Yeah. Blame the IT department too, they really need to look at upgrading. I mean really, Office 2003? Get with the times already.
Death - What happened?
War - I sort of removed the wrong person from Tottenham.
One week earlier.
The FA: Ladies and gentleman, the new manager of England...Kevin Bond.