The Stupendous Adventures of Benoit Assou-Ekotto

Local bank on high street.

BAE enters and joins the end of the queue where people are waiting to speak to a cashier. Then suddenly...

...Three men in balaclava's rush into the bank with sawn off shotguns screaming at the top of their lungs...


BANK ROBBER ONE: EVERYONE GET THE F**K DOWN ON THE FLOOR!!! NOOOOOOW!! DO IT!!

BANK ROBBER TWO: GET DOWN AND DON'T F*****G EVEN THINK ABOUT LOOKING UP! IF I SEE ANYONE HOLDING A MOBILE I'LL F*****G SHOOT YOU!

BANK ROBBER THREE: (aiming gun at cashiers) LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS! LET ME SEE THEM! IF I SEE YOU GO FOR THE ALARM, I SWEAR YOU'LL F*****G DIE!!

BANK ROBBER ONE: OI, YOU, YES YOU! WHEN I SAID EVERYBODY I MEANT EVERYBODY, NOW GET ON THE FLOOR!

BAE: (stares nonchalantly)

BANKER ROBBER ONE: ARE YOU F*****G TAKING THE P*SS? DOWN, NOW! GET THE F**K DOWN!

BAE: (stares nonchalantly)

BANK ROBBER THREE: WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG I NEED ONE OF YOU UP TOP TO HELP ME GATHER THE MONEY!

BANK ROBBER TWO: COME ON (also points shot-gun towards BAE) GET DOWN, GET THE F**K DOWN, F*****G NOOOOOOW!

BAE: (stares nonchalantly)

BANK ROBBER ONE: ON THE FLOOR! WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU?

BAE: (stares nonchalantly)

BANK ROBBER TWO: COOOOOOOOME OOOOOON!! (leans forward to push BAE to the ground with shotgun, BAE Muhammad Aliesque swiftly shuffles and avoids the push)

BANKER ROBBER ONE: WHAT THE F***?

BANKER ROBBER TWO: YOU ARE F*****G DEAD, DEAD! THIS IS A F*****G BANK ROBBERY!!

BAE: (stares nonchalantly)

BAE: Robbery? Really? This is ze bank? I thought this was Starbucks.

(starts to wonder towards the exit)

BANK ROBBER TWO: Where are you going?

BAE: To get a Frappuccino.

♫ Don't cha wish your left-back was B-A-E ♫

Roll end credits.