There are many things in life that wind me up. Things that pull at my nerve endings till they break through my skin and then proceed to strum a tune with them. The type of ear-bleeding, head-pounding, gritted-teeth…oh please just do one type of wind up.
For example, I cannot stand the London Underground. I use it so therefore tolerate and thus deal with it because I have no other choice. I generally find it to be the toilet basin of travel with everyone taking an anti-social dump of frustration in it. And never flushing.
What grates me is the complete lack of social decorum and lack of common courtesy. Perhaps it's an English problem. We find it easier to be rude, obnoxious and generally shy away from doing a good deed because…well, someone else will do it for you, won't they? Best illustrated by people who suddenly fall asleep or bury their heads in their newspapers when a pregnant lady walks on clutching her bump, never looking directly at someone, waiting for that rare moment of chivalry.
What is tenfold worse than people who show a blatant disregard are the ilk of people who are oblivious. Honestly, hand on heart, if I was ever to go postal, then I'd do so on the Central Line. Nothing worse than numptys who have absolutely know sense if their surroundings and just sleep-walk around waiting for the Tube fairies to guide them to their destination.
How hard can it be?
You walk down the stairs, you turn either left or right to walk onto one of the two platforms depending on whether you are going east or west. When you make your decision and walk towards the arched entrance…why, why stop dead directly under it facing the platform? Why stand there looking confused? What in the f*ck is there to think about? Surely basic instinctive awareness would tell you three things:
1) You can turn left or right into the platform you are facing
2) If you make the wrong turning, you can - believe it or not - turn yourself around by the art of movement - face the opposite direction and walk towards it
3) There are people behind you, people you are blocking
Just f*cking move you imbecilic douche bags. It's not exactly a decision masked in mystery is it? You don't need Sherlock Holmes to hold your frigging hand.
Step the f*ck forwards.
They should introduce a law allowing legalised 'punches to back and neck' when someone just stops for no other reason other than stupidity and block your path. I'd also apply the same law to people who gleefully stroll down the platform when it's nigh packed, as if they're walking the dog in Hyde Park without a care in the world.
It's not just tourists, and I'm not a complete uncaring a*sehole, I get it…people get lost or confused. But get this. Stepping onto said platform from under the arched entrance…it doesn't mean you can't ever return from it. You're not going to be sucked into Narnia if you just keep on placing one feet in front of the other in that movement we like to call walking.
It's a train station. People are looking to get from a to b, and usually after 4:30, most are looking at getting home in the quickest way possible. Yes I know, it's all rush rush rush, everyone's in a hurry, but if everyone - every single person - was in a hurry, then we'd all be getting from a to b at the same pace meaning nobody would get angry and upset. i.e. me. Actually, to be fair, it's not that I'm in a hurry. I'm just focused to the task in hand. I'm respectful of the people around me, even if they don't deserve it.
The all-time classic was when I stood at the edge of a platform as a train pulled in. Doors opened - I was in a position that meant I could walk into the carriage first, but I allowed two people off the train (I know, heart of gold) and the bloke behind me was getting agitated and trying to force his way though. Which I did not allow. When he got on after me, he stood nearby swearing to himself, talking to himself - and quite obviously repeating the C word over and over again for my benefit. He was genuinely upset at my behaviour. I mean come on, get a grip.
And why was said tool upset? Because he had to wait 5 extra seconds to get onto the carriage? Because the people ON the train had right of passage before us and I respected this unwritten but obvious code of conduct?
I told him to shut the f*ck up which resulted with another gentlemen standing between the two of us before what would have been the most ridiculous reason to fight (ever) kicked-off.
"Yeah, yeah, I got into a fight the other day"
"Who with? Headhunters? ICF?"
"Nah mate. Bloke in a suit on a train. I kept him waiting cause I was proper hardcore, letting people off the train before I stepped on it"
Christ, my palms have gone all sweaty, ranting and typing. I want to punch people in the face now. I've lost my train of thought (still have the power of the pun). Okay, so what was the point I was trying to make with all this tube rage anecdotes?
Oh yeah, that's right, things in life that wind me up. This has turned into the longest link ever.
Things that wind me up? More so than slow walkers and dizzy motherf**ers on the Central Line?
Always, always losing to Manchester United. Even when we're winning we manage to allow the forces of fate to place a pillow over our face and we surrender and do not put up a fight as the air we breath is suffocated out of us.
For once, can we please just push the unequivocally annoying bastards in red out of the sodding way?
Punch 'em in the neck.
Interview with a Manc