What if Daniel Levy actually replied to one of my letters?
With the deepest heart felt apologies to Eminem and his trademark "Stan" track which tells a story of an obsessed fan who writes to the rapper without (initially) receiving a reply.
Chorus: (Harry Redknapp)
Juande's tapas has gone cold and I'm wondering why..
he got two points from eight games
The morning rain clouds up his window and still..
two points from eight games
And then he's sacked and I take over
put my picture on the wall
It reminds me, that I'm so great,
I'm so great..
[Spooky]
Dear Mr Levy, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my mobile, my email, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in May, along with an effigy you must not have got 'em
There probably was a problem with security or the postmen
Sometimes they just throw out my parcels when I drop them
But anyways; fuck it, what's happening dude? How's the ground re-development going?
I can't wait for the new eco stadium, gonna leave us all crowing
So what you up to at the minute? Should we expect to sign Downing?
I'm only joking, if we sign him I think I might cry and consider drowning
I'd rather stick my head up my arse and taste my own browning
Can we not try and sign someone else instead?
Ashley Young would be better than having myself ending up dead
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even hide out in your garden in the shrubbery and watch you tan
I got a room full of your photos and pictures that I took
I like the old work you did with ENIC too, that shit was off the hook
Anyways, I hope you get this, and mail me back,
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan, let's talky
This is Spooky
Chorus: (Harry Redknapp)
[Spooky]
Dear Mr Levy, you still ain't called or wrote, does your PA never take a sodding note?
I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer your phone
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside the Lane,
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Damien
That's my little effigy, he looks just like the Frenchman
We waited at the West Stand entrance for you in the rain,
four hours and you just passed us leaving us in pain
That's pretty shitty man - just like Pavlyuchenko
If you don’t sell him and that useless Bent I swear I'll go flipping mental
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to
Remember when we met at the AGM - you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I never rated Martin Jol neither, he was Dutch decay;
he used to always choke in the big games and we'd always get slay
I can relate to what you're saying in your match-day notes
So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and read them to myself
Cause I don't really have much else other than a blog and twitter to help me when depressed
I even got a tattoo of your face across my chest
Sometimes I even shave my head to see how good it looks
It's like adrenaline, the shine is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is real in those official statements and I respect you cause you tell it
Other blogs and forums are just jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But they don't know you like I know you Dan, no one does
It's not your fault David Bentleys lost his buzz
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Spooky -- P.S.
We should share a bagel soon
Chorus: (Harry Redknapp)
[Spooky]
Dear Mister-You're-Gonna-Get-My-Burning-Season-Ticket-Thrown-At-Your-Door,
this'll be the last fucking effigy I ever send your arse, it's war!
It's been Christ knows how long and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect…Bill Nick Way 748 High Street
So this is my mobile phone recording I'm sending you, I hope you see and hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the High Street
Hey Daniel, I drank ten cans of Holsten, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Chas'n'Dave, "Ossies Dream"
About that guy who's knees go all trembly on his way to Wembley?
And Ricky scored that goal in the replay and we won?
That's kinda how this is, you could have played a blinder and rescued me from drowning
Why the fuck do you persist in wanting Stewart Downing?
Now it's too late - I'll even buy the new yellow streaked home shirt, even if its fucking lousy
and all I wanted was a letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your naked pictures off my bedroom wall
You're not keeping an eye on Harry, he re-signed Chimbonda, think about it,
you ruined it for everyone now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
and when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE about it. Why did we sign him, when we can live without him?
See Daniel; {*screaming*}
Shut up bitch! I'm trying to talk!
Hey Daniel, that's Chirpy screamin in the trunk
But he ain't too good, I dropped an Opus on his head
Cause a hostage ain't a hostage if he's completely dead,
Well, gotta go, I think I'm almost at the Spurs Shop now
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?
{*car tires squeal*} {*CRASH*}
.. {*brief silence*} .. {*Police siren in the distance*}
Chorus: (Harry Redknapp)
[Daniel Levy]
Dear Spooky, I meant to write you sooner but I've been quite busy
I'm glad you like the stadium plans, it will make the gooners dizzy
Look, I'm really flattered you spend so much time outside the ground
and here's an autograph from Robbie Keane, he's sound
He wrote it on a programme
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the Lane, I must have missed you
Don't think I did that intentionally just to disrespect you
But what's this stuff about your little effigy?
I say that's just slightly off-key
Come on now - you don't want yourself banned and have to plea
You got some issues Spooky, I think you need some counselling
To help I'll put your name down in the raffle for an Opus, you're bound to win
And what's the issue about us signing Stewart Downing?
That type of attitude makes me not want us to meet each other
I really think you need to stop being so damn bitter
Because with Stewart we are purchasing box-office glitter
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time before you hurt yourself,
I think that you'll be doing just fine, if you relax a little,
I'm glad I inspire you but Spooky why are you so confused?
Try to understand, stop throwing frozen shit pellets from afar
And I don't want you handcuffing yourself naked to my car
I watched this one bloke on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some bloke in N17 was drunk and drove his car into a wall of bricks
Had a man dressed as a chicken tied up in the trunk,
And in the car they found his phone with a video message he made, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Phew!