10 things you'll probably see from Spurs this weekend

1) Wolves to bully us into submission whilst our defenders forget how to stand upright and strong, although questions to be asked post-game why Dawson and co wore roller-skates instead of studded football boots

2) Defoe to be consumed by the offside trap, who complains to head chef that JD is a little over-cooked when he specifically ordered medium rare

3) Hutton, after travelling back from Dubai in economy class, is forced to hitch-hike to Wolverhampton as club require someone to make the half time cups of tea. ITKs everyone are validated

4) Spurs to have 17 shots on goal before hitting the woodwork. Wolves to have 2 shots on goal before taking the lead

5) O'Hara, in the stands, in Wolves hat, scarf and banner singing and hurling abuse to anyone in Lilywhite and squaring up to Joe Jordan on the touchline. Jordan backs off holding in the tears

6) Evil Chirpy forced to play central midfield as Harry overlooks Sandro again. Wilson Palacios removes mask to reveal himself as the original Chirpy with a bloody fight breaking out between the two of them that results in hospitalisation and major facial surgery. With the obsession at fever pitch, original Chirpy under go's an experimental surgical procedure to temporarily graft the new Chirpy's face onto his skull in order to destroy his image and have him removed as official club mascot. Evil Chirpy awakens from his coma and forces the same doctor to give him the appearance of the original Chirpy. The battle continues...

7) Roman to take the ball down from a cross field pass with his thigh, let it roll down to his foot, loop it over defender, chest it then volley it from an impossible angle towards goal only to see it disallowed for offside (JD). Two minutes later, scoffs a shot from a yard out after it hits Defoe on the line and goes out for a goal kick

8) van der Vaart to start, get injured, be unavailable for the Milan game. Message boards to implode over the post-game rhetoric of what is/was more important - Top 4 or the quest for the Champions League quarter final. All agree to blame Harry for his lack of savvy tactical know-how juggling domestic and European selection claiming he can't hack it

9) We lose

10) Everyone looks forward to the Milan game because 'it's more important' only to then witness Ibra scoring three away goals to end the dream whilst Gareth Bale signs a pre-contract for himself and on behalf of Luka Modric with Fergie in the West Stand car park with Berbatov as the getaway driver