NOTE: The following Diary extract is entirely fictional, any resemblance to persons either living or dead, or called Dave are purely coincidence and therefore DML cannot be held liable.

Week 1

Monday

Have just got Chinese New Year calendar from local restaurant, and have decided to keep a diary for purposes of documenting my scientific study of Ephedrine and its effects. Only a small space on each day for comments, certainly not enough space for capital letters only, may have to reconsider if it gets too much for me. Strange that they give out New Year calendars in February, must be cheaper to get them made in Jan I guess, what with the sales and all.

Tuesday

Decided to form Ephedrine Awareness and Testing Society, or EATS for short. Must make people aware of EVIL that is Ephedrine. After last week’s trial run of EVIL, this week I am blind testing  LSD as a scientific means of a comparative. Updated Wikipedia entry on EVIL, so far my amendments have been ignored, must write a letter to someone about this. Note: someone has stolen ‘caps lock’ button from keyboard at work.

Wednesday

Just opened fortune cookie from chinese restaurant (it had rolled under the sofa so only just discovered) it says, ‘You are Dave Ephedrine and I am going to stalk you to the end of your days’. These things are always so ambiguous so decided to ignore it. Feeling quite buzzy all day so had a cup of horlicks to calm me down. Still better than last week’s EVIL test.

                                Dave

Thursday

Not a good day! Dave the Brick (my pet brick, no relation) had a proper mard on, put him on naughty step for the rest of the day to have a good think about whether he wants to be part of the conservatory or not. Am starting to wonder if a week on LSD is enough to constitute ‘scientific evidence’, certainly it would be better than any of those hair product adverts with that annoying bint from ‘four weddings’.

Friday

Had no response from blog forums to joining EATS, I wanted to use all capital letters to make my point, but still can’t find the caps lock key. Might start a facebook group as that seems to be the way things are done today. Took three hours to get home, although two were spent studying the tube map at underground station, it’s quite fascinating really. Still feel a little bit buzzy, wondering if Horlicks might have negative effect on test results, will google later for research purposes.

Saturday

Match day – Hooray, trip to WHL. First time I’ve ever noticed someone following me to WHL all the way from my house, remembered fortune cookie, but ignored it as the features of his face melted away after a while. Don’t remember result as decided to watch Harry and only stand up when he did (thought it might make another good scientific experiment) got cold and confused, stood up and went home at half time.

Sunday

One week of testing concludes that LSD is not as bad for you as Ephedrine, Dave the brick disagrees, but I think that’s because he’s still narked at Mrs. Dave putting him outside after tripping over him when he was on the naughty step. I have compiled the heart rate readings on hard drive and labelled and stored sample bottles in fridge for reference. Will update Wikipedia again later with results.

to be continued...

So, thought I'd help him out with some all-important must-know phrases he would no doubt have to use if he decided Spurs would be his new European home. See you in the summer Sandy baby.


"You cannot be serious?"

(to any Howard Webb decision made)


"Do you know who I am?"

(for entry into any Essex or West End night club)


"Of course one day I would like to play for Real Madrid"

(for those exclusive interviews with tabloid journalists when making sure nothing is lost in translation)


"Gaffer, why am I on the bench again?"

(when dropped to make way for Jermaine Jenas)


"Michael, you have your penis on display"

(any random live game on Sky Sports)


"Hey Tommy, pass me the mayo"

(at the canteen in the Lodge, on the coach to away games, in the dressing room at half-time, in the showers post-match etc)


"I am the walrus, Goo goo g' joob"

(to Roman Pavlyuchenko, who will simply smile and wave back at you)

             King: "Hey?? Did someone just poke me in the back?"

There is altruism that ‘those who seek power, are those that you would least like to see wield it’. It would seemingly apply, fairly universally to many people in the world, from the lowliest MP and then working up the food chain from thereon in.

As president of FIFA, Sepp Blatter wields power over a sport that is holds and captivates a populous around the globe, as such his influence on people probably puts him only one step behind President Obama (and consequently perhaps a step ahead of Mr Brown).

For his part, Michel Platini (the Brown to Blatter’s Obama status to continue the analogy) appears like a wanton lapdog, trying to help his master in any way possible to avert the need for this ‘evil’ that is technology, by suggesting that it is extra officials is the way forward.

So when it comes to goal line technology what was the reason initially for its dismissal? Well, according to Blatter it ‘took too long to reach a decision’ and was ‘not sufficiently accurate’ having been tested on only a ‘third tier’ league game. As with all megalomaniacs when dismissing something, everything they have stated to oppose an idea is ‘true’, and as such becomes ‘fact’ very quickly.

Now I’d like to raise a point here, the reasons initially given for dismissing it were ‘wrong’ and ‘incorrect’, accordingly Hawkeye innovations (manufacturers of the system that ‘worked’) made an open letter just a gentle hint to nudge the President in the right direction:

It is a fairly lengthy letter but the summary goes as follows:

Dear Mr Blatter,

You are wrong, wrong diddly wrong, wrong, and we can prove it with science. Please don’t ignore us just because we’re nerds,

love and kisses,

the nerds.

So why wasn’t it snatched upon by our beloved press, and reported ahead of other such headline newsworthy items that day as “Rooney stubs toe, but should be OK for world cup next summer” or “Tiger set to appear as Santa for local school, but will stop at three ho’s”?

       Who wants to watch the re-run of the 2005 FA Cup Final?

A cynic of course would point out that, as Hawkeye have a vested interest, they would say what they have, but these guys are nerds who deal in 3-D planes and processing power, their idea of a vested interest goes as far as trying to blag free tickets to the ‘gadget show live’.

But even still, to dismiss a proven technology that works and could assist the game in making crucial decisions, that is wanted by managers and league presidents from all over, by what? Replacing it with extra officials, who between three of them can’t make the correct decision 100% of the time in 90 minutes, and you want to add another two? Surely it is an illogical conclusion to have come to.

On the surface it appears that we have put the inmates in charge of the asylum, which all sounds entertaining and a thoroughly decent watch. Just sit back and watch the nutters make up rules in disbelief, after all it has always been that way so why change it now.

But as football is not the only place where such ridiculous conclusions exist the question needs to be asked: Does it really matter?

It is at this point I’d like to, just fleetingly mention Pedro Mendes, now for some he was a solid footballers who unfortunately was playing second fiddle to a certain Mr Carrick (who’s own story is now well documented), but he was too good to be a bench warmer and so he departed, and when Carrick followed he was possibly one of those we ‘wish we hadn’t sold’.

However given the pre-amble, I very much doubt that any of you are, by now, thinking of anything other than ‘the goal that never was’.  Well, I’m afraid we don’t have the trademark on it though, as any Birmingham fan will tell you amongst others, but it is perhaps the most often cited example of where goal line technology would have assisted.

And this perhaps is the point, history will recall that the game in question finished 0-0, time will pass and that is it.

The fans will however remember the actual physical pain for every single replay like another nail pinned to a ‘Voodoo Jol’ (tm) with the curse ‘thou shall not win against a top 4 club’ repeated over and over. Stunning us, mesmerising us, each time pleading with the linesman that ‘this time’ he might get it right. It was a point of discussion then and five years latter it still is today.

And it is not an isolated incident, as only the other day I was privy to conversation on how ‘Gareth Bale is the best left back since Cyril Knowles’. Now I have to say I have not had the privilege of ever seeing Cyril, but the point is that it is the fans that remember games, and incidents and feelings and emotions. Whereas history does not, it remembers only results, and victories, and increasingly Annual reports.

So does getting the right result matter? It may not make it fairer in some regards, i.e. Dominance in possession for 90 minutes will not automatically lead to the ‘right team’ winning, as per the 2005 FA cup. Some would say that there is so much money tied up in getting the ‘right result’ that it does matter and significantly so.

So maybe Blatter is in fact doing us a favour, by allowing us to banter, and argue and discuss the painful truths of ‘what might have been’. So well done Sepp, you weird megalomaniac chocolate eating cuckoo clock making nutter, for allowing us to talk bollocks rather than having to work all the time.

Right I’m heading off for my fishing trip now, with the rest of the loonies. Anyone care to join me?

Wilson - you play for Spurs. Talk up Spurs.

But regardless of all this non-eventfulness, sing up for The Panther and the team. Don't let the bed-bugs bite. This will be forgotten about tomorrow.

According to the Sunday Mirror yesterday, one Jermaine Jenas has begun taking Italian lessons to prepare for a move to Inter Milan in the Summer. The papers really don't want to let this one lie and for anyone who has witnessed the man himself this season it is nothing short of baffling. 

Look at the two parties - Inter Milan are one of the most decorated teams in Italian football and have won Serie A the last three seasons on the spin. Jermaine Jenas has a Carling Cup medal and won the Soccer AM crossbar challenge.

Reading this story again I considered several options:

1. This whole story is one of those big media 'in-jokes' perpetuated by cheeky Arsenal and Chelsea supporting journalists. The scoundrels.

2. It's true and Jose Mourinho is such a genius he can see something in the player that a good majority of Spurs fans can not.

3. It's true and Jose Mourinho's malevolent ego has become so powerful that it has seized control of his conscious mind and is seeking to destroy him.

4. The story is completely made up - just putting it out there guys...

The man they call JJ has polarised more opinions at White Hart Lane than I've had false dawns and I don't intend to defend or attack him here. Sometimes he's great and sometimes he's awful, a couple of screamers against Arsenal prolonging the fading hope that there is a world class player in that slim, chiselled frame just bursting to get out. In fact, much like a few of our players (Hudd, Pav, Crouch) you can even be found arguing with yourself on a game by game and sometimes minute by minute basis. "He's got a good engine, but he's too soft. He can beat players in the midfield, but he's a confidence player. He's good at set pieces. he's shit at set pieces. This game needs Jenas. For God's sake sub him off." He's like Yin and Yang, it is in his essence to be simultaenously both shite and brilliant, caught in a delicate and timeless footballing paradox. By the time I've finished the 10 minute, post-match walk to my car I'm practically a quivering, schitzophrenic wreck.

But let's say he packed his designer luggage and headed for Milan. How would our boy fair in a city that is known for fashion, food and football? What impact would he have on fans who have seen their midfield strings pulled by some of the true greats of the game?

The last English midfielder that wore the nerazzuri shirt was Paul Ince, and he is till fondly remembered in Inter folklore. After a slow start, his tough tackling, whole hearted displays coupled with a good range of passing a vicious shot were a revelation at the San Siro. His sheer enthusiasm and toughness made him exactly what the Inter fans expected when they signed an English midfield general. 

So far not so good then for JJ.

But of course there already is an English midfielder playing in Milan. One who is known more for his creativity than his brutality. He's not got the legs anymore but he can put a set piece where it's meant to be. And Italians bloody love a set piece. Mr Beckham is a world star playing for Inter's fiercest rivals. Jenas would be only the 2nd Englishman currently playing in Italy, in the same city and the same stadium no less. Comparisons would instantly be drawn and I'm struggling to remember many goals scored from an expertly delivered Jenas dead ball.

2-0 to the doubters then.

However, the Italian league is less physical, more tactical and players get a lot more time on the ball. Compared to many opponents in Serie A, Jenas would probably look like he has the work rate of Wayne Rooney. He's also actually pretty bright. Word from the Lodge is that he's one of, if not THE most intellectual of our current flock. Any time there is an education initiative he's front of the queue. That's not saying much though as he's probably the only one that can even spell queue, or his name for that matter.

I for one think more English players should get out there and play abroad. We have the so-called best league in the world but foreign clubs rarely try to buy our English players. He is still young enough to develop his game to perhaps even make a decent shout for England at Euro 2012. He could be an absolute revelation and having Mourinho there would be a massive advantage for him.

He may finally find fans that really love him. He may even get his first ever proper chant - less hilarious things rhyme with Jenas in Italian than they do in English.

Love or loathe him, I'd say it's pretty universally accepted that Jermaine is not going to push on a level at Spurs, and we won't up our level with him in the team.

If he does move then I wish him the best of luck. He may not have set our world alight but he's played under about 50 managers, never moaned to the press to force a transfer and yes, he did score some blinders against the goons. 

Europeans love to give their players little nicknames. In Italy Jenas would be il potenziale - the potential. If he joins Inter this Summer I'd love to see him finally realise it.

Harry up against the club he left behind, the club he returned to pluck the likes of Defoe, Crouch, Niko and whatshisname, the French dude with no eyebrows. The club in administration, practically gutted to the bone. There's still plenty of meat to get your teeth stuck into, and with Fulham about to enter a titanic fixture list of games, I would personally be devastated if we somehow managed to allow them to win through the replay and see them face the south-coast club instead of us.

Yes, 4th spot is important. But ffs, this is the business end of the FA Cup. And it's been an age since we got our suits measured. Silverware. You can stick it on a trophy cabinet.

Having said that, Pompey in a cup final is drenched in ye old FA cup magic irony. So expect the footballing Gods to be wearing their colours, ringing out a cowbell in that traditional annoying manner that grates eternally. Considering their plight it almost feels like destiny. Or probably does from their fans perspective. No doubt if this (us v them) is the game that does take place, most will be rooting for the underdog.

I'd happily accept our role as party-poopers/villains in this.

COYS.

Not exactly your quintessential cup tie that. For all the talk about squad depletion and recalling of yoof players to make up the numbers, our starting line-up wasn't too shabby. Defoe on the bench, but the switch on the left-side (BAE slotting into left-back and Bale into left-midfield) was something I was keen to see and Modric in the middle is something that's always up for discussion - can it work? Crouch upfront with Pav and Niko on the right. Regardless of the kids on the bench keeping JD company, it's a line-up good enough to beat Fulham, or at least make the effort to do so.

So, how did this game end 0-0? Simply put, because it wasn't very good. There were moments for both sides. We dominated possession but Fulham had the shots on target. Palacios marshalled the midfield but Modric struggled to dictate or find the time to hurt the opposition. Perhaps this wasn't the perfect stage for him to play central, but then Harry was forced to do so thanks to our bare bone crisis. Had we another CM capable of fulfilling the role then perhaps Modric starting out on the left would have allowed him to roam, dink and cut inside in that wonderfully jinxing manner we love to watch. His passing was a little off-key too. Not the best of days. But perhaps not the best of pitches (although no excuse, he worked his magic up at Wigan a few weeks back).

First half was congested, untidy. No real FA Cup magic to behold, in fact no real evidence of this being an FA Cup tie full stop. Second half, better, but frustrating. For all the ball at our feet and defending when called upon to do so there was still moments when Zamora and company threatened. The threat thankfully always ended with a sigh of relief. Fulham not really causing us anything more than half a missed heart-beat. But you know how it is, we dominate, they break, they score and we rage. You could almost see it happening, compounded with what smelt like ominous irony (smells like sick) mainly because we lacked cutting edge up front. This game was made for the sucker-punch.

I guess with Fulham playing so deep and defensive, there wasn't enough about them to make us that nervous. Not really.

As for us; cutting edge, the lack of. How you haunt me week after week. I'm actually not going to knee-jerk and perhaps the more astute amongst you will reason why the Pav/Crouch combo failed to ignite today. IMO, it failed because it was just one of those games. I love the word 'fragmented' (to be copyrighted). And today it just felt like our forwards were snuffed out of it by the resolute tenacity of the Fulham defenders and the tactics of Hodgson. It was all a bit too fragmented.

I think Roy was quite clever. If this was a traditional cup tie and had Fulham gone out and attempted to give it some proper gallivanting play, we'd had beaten them. We have the better footballers. And they lacked the presence of a Murphy in the middle to make them truly tick creatively. So what Roy did (the git) was have his players work their socks off. And their more direct play pushing forward (not talking long ball but speed of attack) allowed them the opportunities to test us, so from their perspective they could contain us and counter. Good tactics.

The problem we had in countering this, is one open for debate. Pav didn't really have any goal-sniffing opps that he thrives off. No 'one second' to think moments. He disappeared in some of the build up play, sometimes struggling to bring the ball under control quickly. Could he have dug deeper? Can he dig deeper? Is it the right game to knee-jerk on his performance? No. Let this one be. Watch the difference in the replay. Although if a play fails to find another way into a game and a trend develops, we have a problem. Said player can only play effectively if the game suits him (Darren Bent anyone?)

Crouch was okay. Felt at times that we didn't really use him properly. Crossing was not great and there seemed to be the usual confusion with when exactly to aim for his head and when to play the ball forward to his feet. Towards the end (when JD came on for Pav) someone (sorry, forgot who) pumped the ball up to Defoe. I mean seriously, Crouch has gone off and we're still pumping it up forwards. This time to a midget. Giving him 60/40 against him to win it. Bit of common sense sometimes let's us down. I know this isn't exactly criminal, but sometimes a little bit more intelligence is required - especially in the final moments of a game.

edit: Crouch was in fact still on the pitch. Slight balls up there in my reporting. Soz. Evidently, one too many beers it would seem. I guess you might argue that even though he had not been subbed, he was invisible. Boom boom.

I'll add this - there were moments in the game when players made mistakes when a LEADER was blatantly required to shout at them. Sometimes it looks like discrepancies are accepted.

Perhaps its time for a new directive. Play the ball on the ground unless you're passing the ball up the field to someone's feet. There is a time and place to play the knock down via Crouch. But anyways, if we haven't worked it out yet, I can't see us working it out any time soon. It's what births the questions about how Crouch is more successful for England than he is for Spurs - and if its because Crouch is an out and out striker for England - then it means we've got the wrong player up front to aid the Spurs 'out and out' forward.

Moving on.

Bale was stupendous to watch. Powerful and silky. Our best creative outlet, but alas not enough on the day to craft out a chance. No fault of his. He had plenty of success but cut backs were limited. Gomes, confident in goal, helped as survive any potentially heart in mouth moments. In the end, tbh, I'm happy with the result. Neither side deserved to win it and had, let's say Fulham nicked it, I'd have been furious for what was such a lacklustre game to have allowed a winner to head towards Wembley for the semi-final. Mainly because I'd have looked at our players and questioned their belief and determination to force the issue and score. Losing games of this manner is far more frustrating then losing a ding dong cup tie.

Corluka almost scoring an own-goal and earlier in the game, BAE attempting to be smart in the box and losing the ball - two moments that had me screaming out WTF expletives. Crouchies header and Pav's attempted over-head kick not enough.

Far from over, mind. But Fulham have a mental fixture list in the next few weeks, so as long as we can recover some of our walking wounded and get through our games without any further damage - we should...should be able to get the right result at WHL (Wed 24th).

As important as 4th is, the FA Cup is something I'm desperate for us to win again. Been too long.