Sorry. I said I'd stop blogging emotive pieces because, let' be honest, we're all pretty much self-aware of what this season is doing to our hearts and minds. Unfortunately (for all of you) I had a conversation about our momentum and immediate ambitions out in the wild and once back home found myself having to write some stuff down to process it all. So enjoy/hate/ignore this.
It's amazing to consider how disappointed we would be if we didn't win the title this season.
Just think about that statement for a moment. Disappointed by something we've not won since 61. We've not finished second since 63. Never finished third in the Premier League era.
Is it right to feel that way?
I know that glorious failure is still glorious but still...it's not the most comforting philosophy to accept in preparation for the aftermath. We shouldn't be disappointed but knowing it's possible means we would be if it didn't work out in our favour. The fact it isn't a far fetched probability makes all of this tangible and within the context of what we've accomplished so far (in getting into this deep and thoughtful pose).
Maybe the solution is to not think too much about any of it. Just live for the moment, game by game. What will be will be. That's fine. But there's so many hours in the day I can distract myself before giving in and thinking about all of it so I'm doomed no matter what.
This isn't about a sense of entitlement. There's no childish petulance in what we desire. We never set out to be this involved at this stage of the season so unlike others the pressure is different. The expectancy is there because of the journey we've undertaken. It's a direct consequence of what we've built and accomplished in a ridiculously short space of time.
It's a surprise package, one of two this season. Football dishing out a double when in any other recent season we wouldn't have a partner in crime in attempting to puncture the upper echelons of the league.
Yet that pressure, born out of nothing, is still stress inducing because it's created an opportunity. Just to know that it's possible, that it's not beyond our reach, is enough for you to want it even more. That's the crux and why something less would be classed as a disappointment. It's so unlike anything I've witnessed as a Spurs supporter. It's a little paradoxical considering our struggles to attain a genuine challenge. We shouldn't really be disappointed if we failed to claim the summit. Still, I can't stop thinking about it.
Obviously, we're seasoned experts in dealing with everything that isn't any of the above. Even if we won a cup as consolation, say the FA Cup which we've not won since 91, it will feel like we've missed out on a far more grand and prestigious accolade. Imagine that. Thinking a cup win has diminished value compared to the league 'we had a chance of winning' when we rarely get anywhere near winning it.
WHAT IS GOING ON AND WHY DO I HAVE ZERO CHILL TO DEAL WITH THIS?
I'd love the FA Cup. Silverware that was once synonymous with this club, a day out, the chance for iconic moments that will live on forever. Yet the hard graft of 38 games and the very nature of our very non-title challenging history...it's completely distorted my mindset.
Maybe with 12 games left it's too early to be considering all this, even though we (the supporters) admit we're involved in the race along with the media (be it grudgingly). Maybe the reason we are so connected to heartbreak is because we're willing to risk it all emotionally and be damned when it explodes misery in our face. We bring it on ourselves by committing everything. I wouldn't personally have it any other way. There's a song about it, you might have heard it. Mentions smiling a lot.
I've said it for a while now, preaching from my soap box about believing and keeping the faith. I bought into it much like the players have with the coach. We can make sad faces in remembrance of all the last game shenanigans of other campaigns. Illness, dodgy goal-keeping, phantom goals. We can shrug and admit we're cursed. Bemoan the sheer fortune of others that continue to bask in the rays of luck the footballing Gods shine down on them. We've had to put up with twenty years of that crap. All the pain and all the misery makes those moments of glory (be it pocket sized versions) all the better when they come along once every decade or so.
We can suffer again or we can break football in half and let the rest of them experience what is usually reserved for us.
12 games left.
We've had some cruel twists of fate in our past. Sometimes though, you can't always deny that where you finished up is what you actually deserved. Everyone will always claim they deserved more. The only ones that don't are the ones that sit on the throne wearing their crown back to front, gully as f**k.
All of it, all of this, all of the emotions; it all comes back to how we are feeling right this moment. It's neither daft or comical to believe - as of right now - that we can win it. It's that simple. It's outstanding, to be able to channel this almost mythical emotion beyond the usual constraints of a single game or a rare adventure in a cup competition.
Now think about that disappointment again and how you would feel and how it would accompany this echo of glory if we fall short. Swap it for how you would feel if we actually won it.
Still impossible to process.
If we don't end up with the title (which is an insane scenario and arguably it's there for others to lose rather than for us to win) or a cup, there's always that other thing. You know the one.
Finishing above them lot.
Which won't quite work if they finish top.
Suddenly I realise what it's all about, what it's been all about since...well, since a life-time ago. It's not just about wanting to win the title it's about making sure they don't even if history tells us to quietly back up and re-enter our box.
I can't even wrap my head around how much is at stake when there was nothing on our plate to start with.
Not finishing about them lot. Them finishing top. How would that make you feel?
Disappointed? Dejected, devastated and destroyed.
Finishing above them though? How would that make you feel? Regardless of who finishes top, just finishing above them. How would that make you feel? What would it do to them?
No pressure Spurs.
Sh*t is about to get real.