Casualty

By guest-blogger Fox Mulder.

 

The corridor doors fly open and a young man is wheeled at speed towards surgery. The bed comes to a rest in a room where a medical team is sitting at a screen.

NURSE: Doctor, this man is seriously injured. He’s suffered lacerations to both his legs, severing a main artery. He has severe concussion and has lost all feeling in his limbs....

DOCTOR ONE: No put Messi at right midfield and get him to cut inside with his runs.

NURSE: His blood pressure has dropped to dangerously low levels and seems to have suffered an asthma attack. He’s conscious but barely. He needs immediate surgery.

DOCTOR TWO: But I played him up front in the last game and he got a hat-trick against Real in the cup. I think I should move Iniesta out there instead.

NURSE: Doctor’s PLEASE this man is going to die unless you do something now.

DOCTOR ONE: Oh for Christ’s sake. Ok let’s have a look at him then.

Both doctors saunter over to the dying man, blood is oozing through the sheets that cover him.

DOCTOR ONE: Hmmmm doesn’t look too serious to me. Nurse get some plasters on that wound on his leg and run a wet sponge over his head. That should cure the concussion, which to be honest I think he’s making a meal out of.

DOCTOR TWO: Yes yes this really is a big fuss over nothing. That bone’s not broken, there’s just a slight tear in the muscle. Nothing to worry about really. He’ll be right as rain in a few days. He should be running about happy as Larry within the week and back at work in no time.

NURSE: But THIS MAN IS DYING!!! Look I’m going to call a specialist to come and have a look at him.

DOCTOR TWO: YES! 1-0 Messi. I told you putting him up front was a stroke of genius. Forrrrzzzzaaaa Barcaaaaa!

DOCTOR ONE: Look there’s really no need for a specialist. We know perfectly well what we’re doing

Starts to prod the patient with various implements.

NURSE: For Christ’s sake this man is in hideous pain. You can’t just patch him up and send him on his way. He’ll die.

DOCTOR ONE: Ok maybe you’re right. Doctor Stevens can you grab some aspirin from my drawer over there. Oh and a Centrum Vitamin tablet STAT!

Doctor Two passes the pills to Doctor One who forces them into the man’s mouth...There is silence for a few seconds, broken only by the beep beep of the Heart Rate Monitor.

HEART RATE MONITOR: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

NURSE: Oh my god he’s flatlining. You need to DO SOMETHING PLEASE!

DOCTOR ONE: Erm ok maybe we should call the specialist.

DOCTOR TWO: Good plan. He might be able to find what’s wrong because I really can’t see it myself. Besides we’ve got to get over to Spurs Lodge now anyway. Harry doesn’t like it when we’re late and I hear Aaron’s got a bit of tightness in his groin area.

DOCTOR ONE: Groin area? Ah don’t worry I’ll Wikipedia it on my iphone in the car.

Nurse leaves the room and glances at TV in A&E waiting room. Sky Sports News is playing. The headline running on the yellow-ticker at the bottom of the screen reads:

Defoe is 8th Tottenham first team player out through injury. Spurs to struggle to finish 4th. LOL