How to survive the lack of proper football this weekend: Tottenham top tips

Bored? Indoors watching the snow fall outside wondering how to past the time? Nothing to look forward to thanks to Liverpool begging (and succeeding) for tomorrows game to be called off? Pass the time with these Tottenham Top Tips.

 

Go to your local supermarket for a bit of food shopping. Push the trolley around from aisle to aisle without ever placing any items into it. The shop staff will look at you and frown at your indecisiveness as you leave the shop without actually purchasing anything. Your confusing lack of direction and decision making will leave you with the same sensation Jermaine Jenas has every weekend.

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Randomly walk up to restaurant windows and star-jump. Make sure you have a goofy smile whilst doing so for maximum effect. Honestly, it's classic.

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Go to Heathrow airport and check out any of the fast food outlets (i.e. Burger King, McDonalds). Odds are you'll see a footballer and his agent speaking to a Tottenham representative meeting. Take a photo, from distance, make sure its with a camera-phone - 2 mega-pixel - and do so whilst shaking your hand so that the image is not focused and thus a touch blurry. Leave without getting any closer to properly identify the player. Go home, post the image on a message board that requires membership to access it and inform all that Sandro has finally landed.

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If you suddenly feel the urge to act the complete c*nt in a public place run off in the opposite direction and slide in front of anyone you don't like the look of, posturing and fronting as hard as possible. If you feel that's not enough, kick/spit/foul or do anything that would be considered an act of unequivocal arrogance and self-importance. If someone questions your behaviour - especially the police - tell them you're Arsenal. They'll apologise for disturbing you and possibly ask if you require any assistance. Tell them you're fine and then continue your jolly to your hearts content.

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Take your Blackberry and a broadsheet newspaper and go sit on a park bench or bus stop with a friend. Discuss Twitter and the property market, making sure you introduce light-hearted topical discussion about the wife and the skiing holiday you've just booked up for. Leave after 90 minutes and celebrate the fact that you were not born a Chelsea fan bestowed with a season ticket.

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Play Football Manager 2010. Use a pre-game editor to create disharmony at Arsenal by transfer listing their star players and creating animosity between them and Arsene Wenger. Then smash your computer to pieces with a baseball bat in your back garden or street when your Tottenham team still loses 3-0 away at the Emirates proving that the FA Premier League and Sky Sports conspiracy to undermine us transcends to the gaming world. It's not a bug. It's been hard coded. Educate yourself.

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Cook some home made lasagne. But make sure you under-cook it, leaving some ingredients a little raw or alternatively ask a friend who is suffering from the flu to cough all over it whilst it's in the oven. Tomorrow will be a write-off as you find yourself struggling with food poisoning and chronic diarrhoea so there will be no time wasted on contemplating the postponement of the Spurs v Liverpool game.